Please watch the Man dancing to LMFAO with his boom box.
I will not back down on this subject. Speedos are good. Speedos make sense. Watch the video of the guy in Australia. And obviously no one complained when David Wilkie won his gold medal at the Olympics wearing said perfectly acceptable swim wear.
The comic masterpiece by Noel Coward The man
Private Lives
February 22nd-25th, 2012
McAulay Studio Theatre, Wanchai, Hong Kong Website
Adam Harris, Director and Elyot Chase and much much more
Noel Coward (1899-1971) wrote Private Lives What Wikipedia says over the course of just four days while recovering from illness at the Peace Hotel in Shanghai.
(Tenuous Hong Kong link) He typed up his final manuscript while staying at the Peninsula Hotel in Kowloon.
After a provincial tour the play had its London opening at the Phoenix Theatre on 24th September, 1930 with Coward himself as Elyot and Gertrude Lawrence as Amanda. Victor was played by a very young Laurence Olivier.
In this satire the affectations and polite manners of the upper crust in the 1930s are exposed, and ultimately shattered, by giving the audience an intimate glimpse of life behind closed doors. It shows that the human condition has no class boundaries so the horrors of domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse and the inevitable breakdown of a relationship is just as pathetic for the upper classes as it is for the participants of a Jeremy Kyle talk show. I am quite sure that the twists and turns of Elyot and Amanda's relationship have been used in every soap opera from Coronation Street to Dallas.
The farcical sequence of events the four main characters are subjected to are comedic, but just like a member of a Jeremy Kyle audience, squirmingly uncomfortable to witness. Snorting cocaine, face slapping, drink slinging and bottle breaking are there to shock and seduce.
The close proximity of the audience to the cast in the McAuley Studio creates an intimate feel. To witness a drama performance in this way makes the experience highly engaging. Watching Elyot and Amanda being intimate on their sofa, as if at home, almost made me want to avert my eyes. Were we eves-dropping, spying on them? Were we supposed to be there so involved in the sexual tension? Seeing them relaxing, guard down in night wear, a smidgen away from nakedness?
It was particularly enjoyable to see Adam Harris in his pyjamas and especially thrilling to see him with such a dapper, slicked-back, hair cut. He is captivating to watch and, when dressed, his costume was elegant and stylish. Surely the driving force in this production.
Who on earth dressed Amanda? The opening scene featured a very flimsy black full length petticoat which was badly made and ill-fitting. She left the scene to 'slip on a dress' and entered with an even worse cream shiny number, again flimsy, badly made and ill-fitting but this time the zip had broken. I know it is easy to get things made in Hong Kong - so why not get something substantial that fits? The awful dresses would probably not have been so noticeable if it hadn't been for the dreadful nylon wig which had a greeny, yellow tinge and in no way could have been mistaken for real hair - forget the wig go with your real hair!
The character of Sibyl was truly annoying. She was meant to be irritating, spoilt, immature and asian. She succeeded.
Private Lives produced and directed by the irrepressible and dapper Adam Harris, the George Clooney of Hong Kong, was an excellent and brave production. I highly recommend going to see future performances or productions where Adam is involved.
Coming soon Vincent, a one-man show about the artist Vincent van Gogh in May
I just had to share these spoof adverts from this months Viz. I am thinking of applying!
Rutland Council Schools Service
WANTED
Large-Breasted Female English Teacher 24-30K
A busy boys-only secondary school in Oakham is seeking a new English teacher. The appointee will have a good knowledge of 20th Century English Literature, familiarity with the requirements of the National Curriculum and a flimsy blouse, straining at the buttons.
Main duties will involve providing masturbatory inspiration for boys in Years 9, 10 and 11, as well as subject matter for crudely-drawn desk-lid graffiti. An existing rumour about having posed for pornographic photographs on the internet would be an advantage but is not essential, as this will start following the first assembly the successful applicant attends.
For an application form contact Mr Geoff Plywood, Deputy Head, St. Oswalds High Street, Rutland
"Helping Pupils Maximise Achievement of their Individual Potential"
Rutland Council Schools Service
or
Redditch County Council require a
Bitter, Jaded Geography Teacher
Grade 2 38-41K pa
Redditch County Council are seeking a tired, disenchanted professional to go through the motions of teaching geography A level at a comprehensive school in the borough.
We're looking for someone with a complete lack of drive and ambition to sit in front of a class, drinking coffee for up to 40 minutes at a time. The successful candidate will have:-
In addition he will be cynically counting the days to the earliest opportunity he has to take early retirement on the grounds of ill health whilst retaining his full pension entitlement.
If this sounds like you, then reply enclosing the same CV you had in 1976 to Mrs Audrey Frodsham, ref. V654, Town Hall Reddith RE5
Reddich Schools, more than just schools...Redditch Schools!
Did you know that the procedure for applying for a British passport through the British Consulate in Hong Kong has changed?
It has.
the following is copied from the British Consulate Website
Please note the following changes that will affect your passport application. With effect from 18 August 2011, the Regional Passport Processing Centre in Hong Kong will process your passport. The passport will be printed in the United Kingdom. You will receive two packages, one containing the supporting documents you submitted, and the second package directly from the UK with your new passport.
Previously if you needed a new passport while living in Hong Kong you could go along to the Consulate, queue up to get through security, hand your phone in, then have your application processed in that office. This has changed. You can still submit your application to that office but it is sent to the UK, printed in the UK and sent back to you via DHL.
This means it takes much longer than it used to so be aware - you need to give yourself at least four weeks. I suggest six to be on the safe side, plus you can apply for a passport nine months before it expires.
If you fail to do this and do need to travel and have no vailid passport then you can apply for an Emergency Travel Document (100 pounds) which you can only apply for the day before you travel.
All the information is on the website but I really thought I should make people aware of this change because you need to allow a lot more time since they changed the system in August 2011
How to get there
The British Consulate-General is located at
1 Supreme Court Road,
opposite the Conrad International Hotel.
The closest MTR station is Admiralty. Use Exit C1 and take the escalator up into Queensway Shopping Centre and walk into Pacific Place. Take the escalators up towards Hong Kong Park. You will come out on Supreme Court Road. Turn left for the British Council and British Consulate-General.
Entrance to our consular, visa and passport services is located on Justice Drive.
There is no parking or waiting room for cars outside the Consulate building.
Tom posing next to his portrait of Prince Charles in the National Portrail Gallery in London
Here is a link to Tom Wood's new book show casing some beautiful paintings of recent times.
It's produced on a site called Blurb, you can have a look through the virtual pages and then place an order if you so wish.
Click on the link above to read Tom's blog.
There is so much ground to cover on the subject of being new in Hong Kong I feel it needs a second installment...
Learning Cantonese
In the beginning you will have positive intentions about learning the language. You will imagine that it is possible to pick it up from other Hong Kong friends you meet. You may even consider or even attend Cantonese lessons. In about a year, or longer, you will feel confident to say the name of your street in Cantonese to a taxi driver and even though his reaction will undoubtedly be 'HA!" with a confused tone and you have to repeat it 27 times and have a conversation in English with his control room in English, you will have made progress because at least the words are being emitted from your mouth. You will also be more confident to ask the taxi driver or mini bus driver to stop in Cantonese. Top tip on the bus 'Pass the Jam Old Boy' gets the mini bus to stop, try shouting it out from the back seat today and see what happens. You are allowed to feel proud if it stops where you want.
Even though some words people say to you are actually English they have a Cantonese twist which make them harder to understand. Just because you start copying these words doesn't mean you can speak Cantonese although you will be understood. For example MTR low for MTR, capak for car park, ecuse me for excuse me or the strange custom of saying Cheers when posing for a photograph when obviously the word is Cheese (what does it mean anyway?).
Public Transport
Hong Kong public tranpsort system is the world's best, and I mean that most sincerely folks. But to start with the names of the stations will be just noise and your journey will involve intense interest in the map with the little lights. Your heart rate may increase as you near your station with the anticipation of what to do once you get to street level. You will be one of those annoying people who dither and delay when scanning the magical Octopus card (have you got one yet!) or, god forbid, at the bottom of escalators. You may even be at risk of looking like a tourist - some one who reads the Exit signs and carries a map trying to find their way. It is your mission not to look like a tourist by the way so avoid huge baggy shorts and socks with sandals especially in Central or TST and try not to be so pale.
Exotic Food
As a newbie in Hong Kong some of the food may be a challenge. Challenging Food Chop sticks may hinder your progress but believe me you'll master those quickly. I doubt that pig intestine, chicken's feet or a number of deep sea endangered species will ever become normal but try to be receptive to the new food and products you see in restaurants and supermarkets. It could be a mistake to be constantly craving that particular gravy mix or condiment from back home. It is known for some expats to bring back suitcases of their favourite consumable or even have their mother send it in bulk as a special treat. Stop this at once. You can get everything in Hong Kong. Absolutely anything you want is available you just need to know where to get it (be prepared to pay for it) and if you don't then ask me!
Useful sites to make your life easier
Broadway Circuit art house cinema
Asia Expat for second hand stuff
Hiking Options - there is more than city
Have you just arrived?
It is the time of year when a lot of new people arrive in Hong Kong. There is a period of settling in and discoveries are made. If you are new, let me warn you now, that you will feel a range of emotions on an hourly basis and the main focus of these emotions will be whether you have made the right decision about giving up your previous life to live away from your old friends and family. You will change your mind depending upon the peaks and troughs of your experience, as I say, on an hourly basis.
OK may be I'm exaggerating about feeling differently every hour, but you will have moments of doubt.
Spending Money
Obviously when you first arrive it is exciting and there are loads of things to do, organize and buy. There will be a hemorrhaging from your bank account as you shell out two months of rent in advance, perhaps buy a car (not so much 2nd hand) tax a car (outrageous), Bonus Driving Blog FYI furnish your apartment. And all the incidental purchases that make a home homely add up. You will need mosquito, cockroach and ant deterrent, dehumidifiers to suck up the extra moisture that lingers in your wardrobes and rots your clothes, damp patch blog anti mold potions to keep the unsightly black film off your bathroom ceiling and new filters for your air conditioning units which may never have been cleaned.
Funds will Fly
Your funds will fly out of your wallet in the flurry of socializing and meeting new people. Hong Kong bar prices can be painfully high but you don't know that yet because you haven't established the exchange rate in your head accurately so you keep on buying drinks. And because you are new and have no friends you say yes to all invitations because you want to come across as friendly and interesting. After a while you will stop even attempting to remember any exchange rate and you will also become wiser about happy hours.
Oh and keep in mind that you will receive a lovely green envelope through the post probably just after Christmas, this will be your tax bill.
Domestic Helpers
Guide to employing a domestic helper
You will have conversations with people who are not so new about 'helpers'. In some cases it will be essential to hire a domestic helper so that you can actually go out of the house and do the job you have come to Hong Kong for, leaving your children to be looked after by the helper you don't know yet. That will mean cooking, cleaning, delivering children to school, picking them up again, playing with your children and getting their pjs on just in time for you to come home, exhausted, to say good night! A myriad of emotions just there.
Decadence
In some cases you might just want the luxury of having a cleaner. Someone to wash and iron and make your apartment spic and span as if the fairies really did come when you were out, removed all dirt and make your home into a showroom. You may not feel the need for such a service to start with. You may not be used to such decadence, it may be against your principles to employ a third country national and pay them the minimum wage. You may feel strongly that you should clean up your own mess. Don't spend too much time beating yourself up about this - get a helper as soon as possible!
Weather Warnings
Your first typhoon could be exciting, you might even have a day off from the new job and the government will infiltrate your mind through pubic service warnings encouraging you to tape over your windows, bring in heavy objects from the balcony and hide under the bed. This will undoubtedly be unnecessary and you will be left wondering if the typhoon happened or not? The same goes for the colour of rain, a science no one understands involving amber, red or lucky black. Lucky because it could be a potential day off too. What to do 'official guide' Hot and Cold weather warnings are also there to protect the population so you will be advised to wear a vest when its cold and stay indoors when its hot. A government official will call around to check on the vest wearing in winter, be warned!
Being a Giant
Transport will be tricky. Not only will it take time to become confident and not anxious about getting places on the MTR or mini bus you will also constantly feel like a giant person when travelling on public transport. The seats and the width of the steps seem tiny as do every other asian person around you. I cannot honestly say that this improves over time. This is also a feature of clothes buying but I would need a few miles of blogging to vent my feelings about sizes of lovely clothes that don't fit and how my whole wardrobe has been purchased on holidays back home or from M&S.
Obey all Rules
Be aware that you must conform and do everything exactly as the Hong Kong Government and every assosiated agency require. If you try to buck any system you will not succeed. Every form you are required to fill in must be 100% accurate. If you are asked to produce photocopies of your Grannies 25 yards swimming certificate to your last water rates bill don't for one second think they don't mean it, they most certainly do, so read every form 28 times before submitting it. You will be asked for your HK ID card number every step of the way so memorize it immediately and be grateful for it. Without it you will get no where, whether its getting a phone line or library book that ID card makes things happen.
If you are an experienced Hong Kong expat what advice would you give the newbies?
John Lennon 1961
Aaron Johnson plays John Lennon 2010
I enjoyed this film a lot. It is the story of John Lennon's adolescence, an important period in his life when his beloved uncle died suddenly leaving him with his Aunt Mimi and also explains the very very complicated relationship he had with his mother. It ends, and I don't think I'm giving away anything here, as he heads off to Hamburg with his new band, what were they called again? The Beatles, that's it.
We meet Paul and George fleetingly, it's too early for Ringo, but it's not about The Beetles, it's about John as a teenager and the relationships in his life which probably had a massive influence on his music and choice of instrument later.
It is British. I am a total fan of the quiet portrayal of a character who comes alive in an authentic setting. The attention to detail in every frame and set is delicious. I was enthralled by each room, perfectly constructed to transport us to 1955 Liverpool. If it was Aunt Mimi's semi detached middle class parlor or the Head master's office it was so good you could almost smell it.
It's not a new release, it came out last year, but has only just made it to Broadway Cinamatique in Yau Ma Tei click here for On line Ticket Sales
This is the first movie directed by the artist/photographer Sam Taylor-Wood and she has obviously used her 'eye' in the making of this, I look forward to her next work.
Black H'Mong Tribes women and children
Location of Sapa
The Journey Begins
I arrived at Hanoi Railway Station in the dark in time to get on the night train leaving at 9.10pm and arriving in Lao Cai at 5.30am. It was quite a chaotic scene, once the ticket collectors let us through the entrance and onto the platforms. In the dark it was quite difficult to see where any platform was and which train went where, but the night train to Sapa is a well travelled route and it was easy enough to follow the crowd and find the right train, the right carriage (special ET Pumpkin carriage written on the side) and the right berth and soft sleeper.
I joined a jolly friendly couple from New Zealand (hello Steve and Veronica!) who were originally from England and we immediately exchanged life stories and bonded. The young lady from New York who entered the berth a few minutes later thought we knew each other already and seemed perturbed at the easy way the conversation flowed. Perhaps New Yorkers are more reserved?
Soft sleeper
The soft sleeper was soft enough and we were all supplied with water, a pillow and a quilt to keep us warm during the night. The train is air conditioned. It pulled away on time and we were on our way.
Rocking and Rolling
After about half an hour the speed picked up and the rocking started. And my goodness did it rock! I can only compare it to a fair ground ride which went on for hours and hours. None of the rocking or the metal grinding noises seemed to bother my three sleeping buddies who all settled down quickly and went to sleep. I watched Veronica across the aisle from me and I guess she was being nudged up and down with the motion of the train by about a foot each time. I could feel the contents of my stomach being shook.
The train arrived on time and all went to plan. We then took a mini van to the town of Sapa itself and as we pulled up outside the first guest house to let some passengers off what seemed like an invasion of screeching Black H'Mong women dressed in their traditional costumes came rushing across the road to greet the new tourists. At first I thought it would be a hard selling mission but actually all they wanted to do was accompany the travellers.
Tribeswomen
The same happened when I got off at Pumpkin Guest House. The H'Mong women gathered outside on the steps all giddy and excited to join the new people.
Waiting in anticipation
Breakfast was served, scrambled eggs but not the way I have ever had them before, that is not a positive comment and I thought about offering a quick cookery lesson...
By 9.30am our group was gathered and our friendly guide was leading us up the hill and into the vast valley of stepped rice paddies. Dih, the guide had excellent English and was able to point out all the important landmarks on the way. Surprisingly the H'Mong women and young girls who walked with our group, and I would say we had about 15 with us, had really good basic English skills. Enough to ask how old I was! How many children do I have and where I am from. Then they were able to tell me about themselves. Dih explained that none of these women or their daughters went to school but learnt English from tourists.
The weather was cool, drizzly and very slippy underfoot, especially on the downhill sections. I was well equipped as I had planned this in advance although for some of the group this must have been an afterthought as they had sandals with no grip or borrowed purple wellies also with no grip. This meant slow progress down hill as well as a few falls and muddy bottoms. Each time it got a bit tricky or slippy the H'Mong women were really helpful, assisting us and ensuring we didn't fall. Their footwear was merely plastic sandals and they do that walk every day.
Mavis
New best friend
Sue
Rita
The hike lasted until 5pm with lunch in a H'Mong village on the way which consisted of fried chicken, rice and salad and chocolate bar. This was eaten in a little hut, which had a tv, while we were viewed by the children of the village through the window. I felt like a novelty item or feeding time at the zoo but they were actually very polite children who then really nicely shared any food we didn't want between each of them very fairly which was lovely to see.
In the evening I was given a basic three course meal in the guest house and then had an exploratory look around the town which has typical shops selling Vietnamese style silk clothes and H'Mong items all embroidered in the traditional style. There are a variety of places to eat from Vietnamese to Thai, Indian and a few western choices too. Because of the French influence there are a few lovely patisseries.
The next day was a similar hike although it was shorter and was over by 12 o clock. Frankly the first one was the best and all the things we saw and were explained to us by Sue
We'd already heard the day before, plus the route was very touristy following concrete steps to a waterfall. The route was lined with market stalls for most of the way although they were not overly pushy. Of course if you go down hill you must go up again and that was a bit of a slog but we had a break and a cold drink and a lolly looking over the valley at the beautiful rice paddies.
ET Pumpkin, Ma May Street, Hanoi
I used this company for a two day hiking trip to Sapa in the North Highlands of Vietnam. Their website was clear and easy to use and the trip turned out to be exactly as it said in their information. It short it was a really interesting and very different holiday experience. I would have every confidence in recommending this company and would definitely use them again.
I paid for the trip in advance, before I got to Vietnam, by transferring money via Western Union, that was really easy and straightforward. Pumpkin acknowledged receipt of the money by the next day.
The price of the trip included an overnight train ride from Hanoi to Lao Cai Railway Station and then a half hour bus ride to Sapa itself. One night in a basic guest house, all meals and then an overnight train ride back to Hanoi. All in all I had three nights away.
Pants - you have to have standards
I ventured into the realms of fashion a couple of days ago and made it known to the world that there are very strict rules regarding the wearing of socks. If there are still folk out there who are unsure or unaware of the rules please refer to the previous blog called Socks- it's a mine field. It has been suggested that I add a section about hikers and the red sock and chunky hiking boot plus there has been dispute over dark socks and trainers - honestly its a cheek!
I am now turning my attention to the subject of pants. I mean pants, the sort you wear under your clothes (not trousers). Briefs, knickers, panties, underwear, skivvies, smalls (feel free to add more names).
I think this subject needs to be dealt with according to gender so I will tackle the men first.
There seems to be two main camps when the subject of male underwear is chosen and worn. One lot prefer the boxer and the other the tighter cotton brief. I am not a man. It is a matter of personal choice, I cannot stress this enough. But it has always been a bit of a mystery to me why men want to wear cotton boxers that have no support or stretch in them. Surely a little support in that area would be beneficial? I am just thinking how bras offer such support for females so it follows that the same would be true of the testicle area? A further advantage of the brief would be less bulk under trousers or shorts, surely? All explanations would be welcome here.
I also need to direct you to my previous blog on speedos and my confession at ths point.
Boxer Shorts
No Commandos Please
The strictest rule for males to adhere to is the wearing of underwear or at least if you have no underwear and are going to wear shorts then it is essential that the shorts have their own sewn in liner offering a snug hammock for the male parts and ensuring there is no embarrassment. For instance when sitting down with legs apart or casually placing ones foot on a chair giving others an unrestricted view up the leg of the shorts.
Female Pants
There are hundreds of different styles for women and it should logically follow that there should be enough styles for all the different shaped bottoms in the world. But you'd be wrong. Women's pants manufacturers are blind to the fact that pants have to cover cheeks so not make the dreaded VPL (visible pantie line) plus the invention of the thong has merely created a nasty infection spreading razor which is a useless piece of clothing.
Trinny and Susannah do talk some sense when it comes to foundation garments and have exposed a number of out of control wobbling bottoms in their attempt to up the standard of acceptable dress in the UK. Magic Knickers
Girls, don't continue with ill fitting knickers that dig into your flesh and cause bulges ga lour. There are some excellent body shaping items in Marks & Spencer these days.
And Spanx have a whole range of items to smooth any lump or bump. See the Spanx Before and After photographs for yourself.
There is even a male version of Spanx and I don't think men should shy away from this garment. It could be a revolution for bellies world wide. Spanx for Men offer compression under garments to help suck in bellies, its the Playtex 18 hour girdle for men. It had to come one day.
Gentle reader, I conducted my own photographic survey this morning of pants in the local vicinity and I was shocked and horrified at some of the sights I found hanging around the place for all to see. My mother was too shy to hang her pants on the washing line and kept them drying inside for modesty sake! But some of the examples of shabby, worn out rags that pass as underwear need to be seriously assessed and made into dusters at once. (that's what my mother also used to do). Check your knicker drawer now and if there are any that look like this, put them in the bin.
The washed out dark blue
Little and Large
Skiddies!
Duster pretending to be underwear.
Dumber
Does the internet make us stupid?
It seems quite hypocritical of me to write a blog which is anti Google. To write anything and publish it on the internet for all to share and read while at the same time be full of doubt and worry and concern about whether it makes us stupid could make me stupid too?
But I am genuinely worried.
Click Here
Is the capability of finding information at the click of a button really the best way to run ones life?
Who is Accountable?
The number one question has to be about trust. Do you trust the information you are taken to? Is it up to date? Is it ethical? Is it accountable? Newspapers can be taken to Court for slander or liable if they do not report the truth. They are accountable whatever you think of them, even the News of the World or even South China Morning Post (actually I need to check that!). But any old slapper can write an article and whack it up on a website and pass it off as being true. People can pretend to be someone else and actively try to hide their identity. (My name IS Lesley Croft btw).
Close Your Lid
As a teacher of students who all have their own MacBook on their desk and have the capability of googling anything. I suspect that they have all become completely addicted to their computers and are a bunch of slovenly layabouts who can't even do any thinking for themselves. The recent best seller by Nicholas Carr called The Shallows suggests that the use of the internet is altering the way we think and we have become less able to digest large and complex amounts of information such as...books. Are we now a world of 'slacktivists'. More about Nicholas Carr
"Should we reintroduce the death penalty?" I ask my class in an attempt to spark a discussion where opinions will be flying around the room like electricity. (not meant to be a pun)
Then I find a student who has typed the question into google and sets about opening up the squillion results to find the right answer. FGS (I'm not sure if that is a cool and hip acronym to write, like LOL, but For God's Sake comes natural to me so I feel it is worthy of a FGS). Use your own brain I yell! Close your lid!
Shirley Turkle has expressed much the same concerns in her book, Alone Together Why we Expect more from Technology and Less from Each Other. Because when it boils down to it using the powerful tool that is the internet via your lap top or your blackberry or your iphone is just you, in a room alone. You/we/me enjoy the contact and communication and sense of sharing we can get through the power of the internet. As humans we want to share and we get immense enjoyment out of sharing. This must be true otherwise why would Facebook or Twitter or the capability to comment on any random YouTube video be so popular? But would we enjoy it more or less if we had that face to face communication as easily. In this world of social networking just how sociable are we really?
Hello FB Friends! Come to my party
So if I was in a real live room with all my real live friends on Facebook would I be so keen to like them or comment on their new hat or latest holiday snaps? I predict there would be lots of moments of awkwardness, perhaps a few stifled yawns where the latest photos of their latest meal would get the better of me. Would I really be able to show the same enthusiasm towards their beautiful wife on her birthday. In the past those sentiments would only be shared in a personal birthday card which would stand on the sideboard. Now everyone gets to read it! I would struggle to remember names. And there would be at least one full-on-punches-and-everything-thrown fight, quite a few slanging matches not to mention one or two intimate, yet flirtatious, conversations in a few dark corners. And because all of these people are my friends I would be responsible for such an event and be the one who is blamed for the disaster that would be a party.
Those Where The Days
In my day when there was no internet or mobile phone or even a phone in the house. What did I do? I watched the three available channels on the telly, once they came on in the evening. Before that I read as many Enid Blyton books as I could get my hands on. I knocked on the doors of my friends to see if they wanted to come out to play. All friends lived no more than 100 yards away. When the local paper came I read that and found out what was happening in the area approximately of a 50 mile radius of where I lived. For a change we would walk to the chip shop, sometimes we would have money to buy chips. When I got older and could venture to Stockton to buy music I brought home 45rpm singles and played them on repeat with the arm back on the record player so I would learn them by heart (ask me to sing Puppy Love by Donny Osmond).
You know what, it was boring compared to the information sharing, movies, music and breaking news we have available to us now so perhaps this 'real world' that many hark back to is an illusion and just never really existed? Being in a room alone with a computer seems much more attractive to being in a room alone with a Danset record player and a Donny Osmond 45.
I have fallen off the wagon and am now back in the routine of watching Coronation Street on a week day daily basis. I never thought it would catch me again having weened myself off it ten years ago. But Granada TV is now a channel on offer on Now TV in Hong Kong with a 6.30am and a 6.30pm viewing every day. On the weekend there is an omnibus edition on Sundays although I do avoid watching it then. Oh! what am I saying? I watch it then, sometimes, too!
Steve MacDonald
Quite a bit has changed over a decade and the Hong Kong viewing is about three years behind the real life happening now UK viewings. But it doesn't matter a jot to me because I haven't seen anything. Obviously I know there was a tram crash to mark the Ken Barlow 50th year in the longest running soap in the world, but I actually don't know who survived and who was snubbed out then.
So it doesn't matter. I know I can google it all but what's the fun in that? Plus it doesn't involve much concentration. It is possible to peel potatoes, chop onions, answer the phone, shave legs or carry out other slightly more demanding intellectual activities such as writing blogs.
Liz MacDonald
So this is what is happening now, deep breath, brace yourself :-
Liz MacDonald is the landlady of the Rovers Return and is married to Vernon (not Jim so she is). Steve lives in the Rovers with her and is with a smart woman who is the sister of Liam who is married to Maria who has just lost a baby and Liam's sister in law is Carla who is a widow so Liam's brother died (don't ask) and she lives with a Scottish bloke who works away and is rich so while he's away Carla flirts madly with Liam and it drives Maria bonkers. Now Maria is staying with Audrey who has just been in contact with Gail's dad after 50 years and he didn't even know he had a daughter and was well upset and now Gail wants to get in touch but Audrey is not bothered although it upsets Bill who she lives with. David is in jail for pushing his mother, Gail, down the stairs and she has forgiven him but why lord only knows and Sarah and Bethany are in Italy with the Canadian bloke who purports to be Gail's brother although how Audrey ever explained that one I don't know. Roy is running Roy's Rolls and phones Hayley in Africa but I haven't worked out why she is there.
Roy Cropper
Our ever favourite Jack Duckworth is a widower, Vera has died. It was SO sad. Now his stupid grandson Paul has set fire to Leanne Battersby's Italian restaurant on purpose for the insurance but then because Leanne would'nt be his girlfriend he has confessed to arson - stupid. Although it seems like Leanne got away with it. Jack is well pissed off with Paul who he says is his father's son (we all hated Terry).
Leanne Battersby
So that is a potted history of the story so far and you know it is of little consequence if you don't follow it or if you missed 10 years worth of programmes because you can soon pick it up and if you need a little background I can always fill you in and pre 2000 I consider myself a Platinum level expert in Corrie.
It's just a little kiss
Watching the Wedding Yesterday
Patriotism means, by definition, a devotion to ones country. In accordance with said definition I am, therefore, not patriotic because I cannot say wholeheartedly that I am devoted to my country. Being an expat in Hong Kong for 'n' amount of years could make others think I didn't care about England. But they'd be wrong. I am devoted and I am proud to be English. Yesterday I was glued to Theresa's telly all afternoon until the big moment of that kiss on that balcony and I truly truly enjoyed every minute of it.
The Royal Family
As the members of the British Royal Family made their way to Westminster Abbey and took their places, all behaving impeccably, it was obvious that they know how to put on a jolly good 'do'. They have their pick of the best church, the best flowers, the best carriages and of course the world class top number one best route to the venue and then on to the reception.
Queen Elizabeth I
But it's not just because they have one of the best driveways in the world to parade up and down (The Mall) its because of the crowds. The public, who turned out to wave at them in the hope of getting a quick glimpse of the Royals really made that wedding day into an atmospheric event and made it historically important.
Emotional Day
It is very emotional to watch any wedding. The open exchange of vows and the support of both families is a marvelous and memorable event for any couple. Its guaranteed to form a lump in ones throat. Having the whole thing televised and broadcast around the world to over two billion people and having the route lined with thousands of enthusiastically waving people is mind blowing. And it's that atmosphere of the gathering of a large crowd in celebration that gets my bottom lip quivering. The emotion and overwhelming friendliness renews my patriotism and fuels my devotion to England. All of those people, some had camped out for days, sitting and standing in the open and feeling secure establishes a trust in mankind. People of all ages gathered together for the same purpose without fear.
Crowds on The Mall
There goes my bottom lip goes again!
Long may they reign over us
I have heard the press say that the moment the couple kissed on the balcony was the moment the British Royal Family re established themselves. I think they are wrong. The billions around the world who watched on screen and the thousands who made the journey to The Mall, Hyde Park and the streets lining the route from The Goring Hotel to Westminster Abbey and then on to Buckingham Palace didn't need that kiss. Be sure they wanted to see it. But the planning and excitement that was generated prior to the big day surely proves that Britain loves their Queen and that one day we will see King William and Princess Catherine.
Excellent idea!
Its a tradition that will continue as it has for centuries and I for one am proud of it and I am patriotic. The less said about the Princesses stupid hats the better...
Oh dear!
It has been said that I am a good cook. I think that I can produce some delicious meals with the help of my friends Jamie, Gordon and Delia. They have taught me a great deal in recent years and I have to mention the good grounding I got at home with my mother. She taught me the basics of pastry making, gravy making and the essential for all good northern women, the Yorkshire pudding. I have never mastered cake making and the only woman who helps me with that is Bettie Crocker. And now that I am reminiscing about people who have helped my cooking skills along the way I have to mention Maurice. He is not a famous chef just a bloke I shared a house with for a year or two. The way I cook spag bol, beef stew (not so much of the white cabbage these days) is down to him, oh and OXO.
But the way I cook the Christmas turkey is the Gary Rhodes way. One day I happened upon the said Mr Rhodes on the telly giving me the secret of the best way to cook the Christmas turkey. I taped it and have watched it every Christmas morning, just to refresh my memory, for the last 10 years. Its a winner every time and now, dear reader I am about to give you the knowledge.
Once it is defrosted (don't think for a minute it is possible to buy a free range fresh turkey in Hong Kong). And while we are on the subject for those of you in Hong Kong, who actually have an oven, get your bird from the frozen butcher behind Steamers in Sai Kung. Mine was $177 for an 11 pound bird. Top tip - take out the giblets BEFORE cooking ( speak from experience). Boil these up for the gravy.
Oven should be high for the first two hours - cover the bird with foil, for the last hour remove the foil so it gets a lovely golden brown.
The key is to protect the breast. I cannot stress this enough. Gary showed me how and I've never looked back.
Stuff the neck end with the stuffing of your choice. I use paxo and I am prepared for a sharp intake of breath at this point. I don't make my own because, frankly, I don't really like it but I put it in because its traditional. Then sew up the flap of skin.. Don't put too much in or it will burst out. If you can't bear the sewing you can just fold the skin underneath or even stick it with toothpicks.
Prise the skin away from the meat on the breast so it makes two pockets on top of the bird. Use at least 4 dessert spoons of butter and push it into the pockets between the skin and the meat. Really push your hand deep inside, underneath the skin. As you do this it will ease the skin away from the breast meat but be careful not to tear the skin. Once the butter is under the skin you can press it down, from the outside, to spread it over the breast. You can also add some herbs at this point, Jamie suggests balls of stuffing under the skin too.
Then use many many strips of streaky bacon to cover the whole of the bird including the legs. Do not scrimp on this bacon as this will stop the breast drying out in the cooking process. Lay the strips over the breast and make sure you lay it so it overlaps the previous piece. Its a bit like roofing. Leave no part of the breast or legs uncovered. A few thin bits randomly placed is not good enough. Remember, protecting the breast is key.
Place foil loosely over it, cook in the oven for prescribed amount of time. My 12 pounder will be in for about four hours and during that time I will be basting it regularly to protect that delicate breast. Turkey baster bought from Pantry Magic in Sheung Wan. Take the foil off for the last hour.
You can also put sausages wrapped in bacon in the tray around the turkey during the cooking process. They will soak up the turkey and butter flavour and be yummy. I know that some people are passionate about the choice of sausage. I am not a purist when it comes to sausages. Walls pork are good enough for me.
Once it's cooked, and you can check this by stabbing into the meatiest part through the leg meat and into the body, the juices should run clear, if there is any blood then put it back in for a bit more. It will be OK as long as that breast is still covered in the bacon and you give it a good coat of the melted butter and other yummy juices from the tray.
Let it rest out of the oven for at least half an hour before carving. It can be longer. It doesn't really matter if it cools because your gravy will/should be piping hot.
You can make the gravy from the juices that run off as well as the liquid from the boiled up giblets, although a word of warning, it could be quite fatty what with all that butter. Spoon off the fat as much as you can before adding to your gravy. The turkey baster is jolly useful for this process.
Roast potatoes, roast parsnips, and cranberry sauce are essential as well as any other vegetable of your choice.
Do I need to say that it is essential to have Brussel spouts? Whether you like them or not you just have to have at least one on Christmas Day otherwise its just not Christmas proper.
I have also just done a quick search on You Tube for tips on cooking turkey. There is no one like Gary so take no notice of them!
Enjoy the whole process and eat while wearing a silly paper hat from the cracker whilst laughing at the joke
As I mature and develop into a much wiser human being (that just means I'm getting old) I now know there are things I just don't like. At some point there will be things you only think you don't like but may not have actually tried them. But as the years go by and more experiences are open to you, you have opportunities to try different things. You can't like everything can you?
By the process of elimination I now have a very definite list of things I don't like, dare I say, hate?
So here is my worst case scenario.
I am alone on a boat.
The toilet facilities involve squatting.
The only thing to eat is tinned tomatoes with brown sauce and piccalilli.
The tv remote has broken and the only programme I can watch is Extreme Makeoverr Home Edition.
I only have access to the South China Morning Post without the letters page and The Sun.
When not watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition and Sky News I have to play Monopoly.
The only beverage is espresso.
I am visited at night by a rat.
I am visited occasionally by a rotweiler.
The sun is burning hot and I have no suncream or shade but my feet are in a cold draught all the time.
The only decoration on the boat is a picture of Hello Kitty.
I can listen to music but it is classical and jazz.
My clothes are all made from 100% polyester.
The only cooling device is a ceiling fan.
I have long hair.
Sometimes I am allowed off the boat, say if the water is too calm so I actually stop feeling sea sick, and taken on a trip where I visit a dried fish and tofu shop.
I am made to join a prayer circle.
So what makes you sick, what makes your skin crawl, what brings you out in a cold sweat?
The Ghost of Neil Diamond by David Milnes is a cracking read. Milnes, who lived and worked in Hong Kong for many years as Head of English at King George V, is now retired and living in Spain, where I imagine him sitting in his casa sipping red wine while constructing another plot line. I was forwarded a link to Amazon that took me to an extract from chapter one. This short snippet was enough to make me buy the book and I highly recommend it.
You don't need to know Hong Kong and you don't need to be a Neil Diamond fan to identify with the protagonist and smell Chun Kin Mansions.
It all begins in a karaoke bar where Neil Atherton impresses the crowd with his 'Reason to Believe'. He is spotted by a not-so-honest agent who gives him his card, obviously, this is Hong Kong. As he a male who finds themselves in Hong Kong with not contract and a richer and more successful wife, his time is spent thinking about unfulfilled dreams and ambitions. Our main character decides to try his hand at impersonating Neil Diamond thus, he imagines, he will find fame and fortune, perhaps happiness. His wife is appalled by this mid-life crisis and gives him money to leave Hong Kong and her.
He takes her money but doesn't leave. As he stops caring what she thinks of him and soon finds out she has quickly found a replacement, he takes risk and after risk to get into the club scene as the best Neil Diamond impersonator this side of...well... Neil Diamond I suppose. He becomes very familiar with ChunKing Mansions and McDonald's as well as the slippery Chinese agent.
It made me laugh.
I found myself mulling over the characters in this book even when I wasn't reading it. I don't know if Mr Milnes intended it to be a film but as I read it I could visualize it and, appointing myself as casting director, and spiritually auditioned mid-forty year old males to play Neil.
Give it a go why don't you?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0955650011/ref=sib_rdr_dp
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