Lesley in Hong Kong

Hidden Extras - Hong Kong Property 'haunted house'

25 Cromwell Street, Gloucester  - demolished

Seriel Killer's Homes are not desirable

If there is, say, a man arrested and subsequently charged with murdering at least 11 women over a number of years we are able to read about such a heinous crime in the newspapers.  As was the case of Fred West and his wife Rosemary.  Biography of West Their house, pictured above, was the scene of the murders and was demolished in an effort to rid the neighbourhood of the legacy of such an evil couple.  The not so publicised reason for the demolition was to prevent the property prices being negatively effected in the area.  I doubt that any estate agent's particulars would mention the fact that Cromwell Street was once the home of a serial killer?   That isn't what any one wants from a des res.

Independent 1995

Buying and Selling uk/hk

Having dipped my toe into the Hong Kong property market quite recently I am becoming familiar with the system of buying and selling compared with the system in the UK.  It is quite different, a little bit more scary - no actually much more scary. 

Exchange of Contracts

In the UK a house can be on the market with an agent and if someone wants to put an offer in then the vendor can accept that offer.  Both parties then approach their solicitor to begin the legal conveyancing process.  No one is actually legally obliged to complete the purchase ie. pay for it, until exchange of contracts takes place.  The exchange may not take place for months and so at any time either party can withdraw from the agreed sale or purchase.  This can be disappointing and frustrating but nothing can be done when this happens. 

In Hong Kong once an offer has been accepted the purchaser must immediately stump up a deposit of 5% of the agreed price and two weeks later another 5% must be paid when an official Assignment is signed with an agreed date for the completion to take place and also when the rest of the money is handed over.

If either party decides not to continue with the sale or the purchase the deposit is forfeited by the purchasers and they are legally bound to pay the double deposit to the vendor.  If the vendor decides not to sell they must return the deposit plus the same amount again to the potential purchaser as compensation for withdrawing from the agreement.   See - scary isn't it?

Valuation

Another aspect which is different, is the valuation of property.  In the UK an Estate Agent will come and have a look at your property, tape measure in hand, and will poke about in your roof space, garage and bathrooms tutting and humming as he values your pride and joy, your home sweet home, your castle.   Once a valuation price has been established it will go on the market for that price.  If someone then wants a mortgage to purchase the property a qualified representative of the bank or building society will call around with a bigger tape measure and do more tutting and perhaps humphing at damp proof courses and roof insulation thicknesses.  Only after that quite thorough inspection will you be offered money to make the purchase.

Virtual Valuation

In Hong Kong the valuation of a property is done either online or over the phone.  No one from the Estate Agency or the Bank will actually view the property or even care what state it is in but will come up with a price.  The valuations are done based on the square footage and sales of similar properties in the area.  Not really that skillful or accurate in my opinion.  So if you spend pots of cash on that lovely new bathroom with Italian fittings it means bugger all and will have little impact on the bank valuation. 

Death List

There is also one other issue I have just become aware of which does effect the valuation of property in Hong Kong and that is the 'haunted house', haunted meaning if any one has ever died in the property. 

Unlucky Number

As we all know the Chinese are very superstitious and any mention of the word death or dead or even just a word that sounds a bit like it ( the number 4 or 14 for instance) must never be uttered.  So there will be no house number 4 or 14 in a street, there will be no tower number 4 or 14 in a block of high rise buildings and no 4 or 14 apartment on floor 4 or 14.  

 

As well as that there is a published list of so called 'haunted houses' so that potential buyers can see if anyone ever died in the place they are considering buying.  If someone did die then it will mean the valuation is lower than the surrounding properties. 

Here is the link to the 'Haunted House' list Check this before making an offer

It is depressing reading and there are far too many 'jumpers' who committed suicide.  It is a fact that the preferred method of suicide in Hong Kong is either burning charcoal in an enclosed room so the fumes kill, or jumping from a high building and there are a lot of tall buildings in these parts.

Unlike the West's house, which has now disappeared from the street, it is not possible to demolish an apartment in a huge tower block so what happens to these 'haunted houses'?  Do people buy them at a lower prices and live happily ever after or do they avoid them and they remain empty for years...

 

 

Viz Educational Recruitment

Viz Adult Comic

 

I just had to share these spoof adverts from this months Viz.  I am thinking of applying!

 

Rutland Council Schools Service

WANTED

Large-Breasted Female English Teacher   24-30K

A busy boys-only secondary school in Oakham is seeking a new English teacher.  The appointee will have a good knowledge of 20th Century English Literature, familiarity with the requirements of the National Curriculum and a flimsy blouse, straining at the buttons.

Main duties will involve providing masturbatory inspiration for boys in Years 9, 10 and 11, as well as subject matter for crudely-drawn desk-lid graffiti.  An existing rumour about having posed for pornographic photographs on the internet would be an advantage but is not essential, as this will start following the first assembly the successful applicant attends.

For an application form contact Mr Geoff Plywood, Deputy Head, St. Oswalds High Street, Rutland

"Helping Pupils Maximise Achievement of their Individual Potential" 

Rutland Council Schools Service

or

 

Redditch County Council require a

Bitter, Jaded Geography Teacher

Grade 2  38-41K pa

Redditch County Council are seeking a tired, disenchanted professional to go through the motions of teaching geography A level at a comprehensive school in the borough.

We're looking for someone with a complete lack of drive and ambition to sit in front of a class, drinking coffee for up to 40 minutes at a time.  The successful candidate will have:-

• a farcial record of absenteeism
• given every piece of homework he has ever marked 7/10 without reading it
• absolutely no desire for promotion
• not changed his lesson plans for at least 15 years

In addition he will be cynically counting the days to the earliest opportunity he has to take early retirement on the grounds of ill health whilst retaining his full pension entitlement.

If this sounds like you, then reply enclosing the same CV you had in 1976 to Mrs Audrey Frodsham, ref. V654, Town Hall Reddith RE5

Reddich Schools, more than just schools...Redditch Schools!

New Passport British Consulate Hong Kong

 

Did you know that the procedure for applying for a British passport through the British Consulate in Hong Kong has changed?

It has.

the following is copied from the British Consulate Website

Changes to your application from 18 August

Please note the following changes that will affect your passport application. With effect from 18 August 2011, the Regional Passport Processing Centre in Hong Kong will process your passport. The passport will be printed in the United Kingdom. You will receive two packages, one containing the supporting documents you submitted, and the second package directly from the UK with your new passport.

 

Previously if you needed a new passport while living in Hong Kong you could go along to the Consulate, queue up to get through security, hand your phone in, then have your application processed in that office.   This has changed.  You can still submit your application to that office but it is sent to the UK, printed in the UK and sent back to you via DHL. 

This means it takes much longer than it used to so be aware - you need to give yourself at least four  weeks.  I suggest six to be on the safe side, plus you can apply for a passport nine months before it expires.

If you fail to do this and do need to travel and have no vailid passport then you can apply for an Emergency Travel Document (100 pounds) which you can only apply for the day before you travel.

How to apply from Hong Kong

All the information is on the website but I really thought I should make people aware of this change because you need to allow a lot more time since they changed the system in August 2011

How to get there

 

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Location and access

 

British Consulate-General, Hong Kong

---

The British Consulate-General is located at

1 Supreme Court Road,

opposite the Conrad International Hotel.

The closest MTR station is Admiralty. Use Exit C1 and take the escalator up into Queensway Shopping Centre and walk into Pacific Place. Take the escalators up towards Hong Kong Park. You will come out on Supreme Court Road. Turn left for the British Council and British Consulate-General.

Entrance to our consular, visa and passport services is located on Justice Drive.

There is no parking or waiting room for cars outside the Consulate building.

Tom Wood Painter

Tom posing next to his portrait of Prince Charles in the National Portrail Gallery in London

 

Here is a link to Tom Wood's new book show casing some beautiful paintings of recent times.

It's produced on a site called Blurb, you can have a look through the virtual pages and then place an order if you so wish.

 

Tom Wood's new book

 

Tom Wood Artist

Click on the link above to read Tom's blog.

 

 

 

 

DV8 Physical Theatre Can We Talk About This?

DV8 Physical Theatre

Can We Talk About This?

 

This production is currently on in London DV8 Physical Theatre National Theatre, South Bank

 

"It is very, very easy not to be offended by a book.
You just have to shut it."
Salman Rushdie

 

 

I watched in awe as DV8, the physical theatre company from England, delivered a very powerful message about free speech, Islam and multiculturalism in the west.  Whilst contorting themselves around doorways, upside down - in fact many different positions and speeds, I felt totally refreshed after listening to their message which was utterly correct.  I almost I forgot I was in conservative Hong Kong. The performance was 1hr 20m with no intermission and I had no concept of the time, it held my attention throughout.

I am now contemplating changing my teaching technique to incorporate physical movements such as drinking tea while sat on the back of a large male colleague who manipulates me around his body or standing on my head to put on a pair of trousers - all movements and positions will be designed to keep my audience enthralled and I will not miss a queue or even trip slightly as my lesson is delivered and, essentially, my students will remember it once they leave the room.

My only criticism is that it is so rare to have the opportunity to see such a high standard of contemporary physical theatre in Hong Kong and I want more. (stamping of foot)

New in Hong Kong

Have you just arrived?

It is the time of year when a lot of new people arrive in Hong Kong.  There is a period of settling in and discoveries are made.  If you are new, let me warn you now, that you will feel a range of emotions on an hourly basis and the main focus of these emotions will be whether you have made the right decision about giving up your previous life to live away from your old friends and family.  You will change your mind depending upon the peaks and troughs of your experience, as I say, on an hourly basis.

OK may be I'm exaggerating about feeling differently every hour, but you will have moments of doubt.  

Spending Money

Obviously when you first arrive it is exciting and there are loads of things to do, organize and buy.  There will be a hemorrhaging from your bank account as you shell out two months of rent in advance, perhaps buy a car (not so much 2nd hand) tax a car (outrageous), Bonus Driving Blog FYI furnish your apartment.  And all the incidental purchases that make a home homely add up.  You will need mosquito, cockroach and ant deterrent, dehumidifiers to suck up the extra moisture that lingers in your wardrobes and rots your clothes, damp patch blog anti mold potions to keep the unsightly black film off your bathroom ceiling and new filters for your air conditioning units which may never have been cleaned. 

Funds will Fly

Your funds will fly out of your wallet in the flurry of socializing and meeting new people.  Hong Kong bar prices can be painfully high but you don't know that yet because you haven't established the exchange rate in your head accurately so you keep on buying drinks.  And because you are new and have no friends you say yes to all invitations because you want to come across as friendly and interesting.   After a while you will stop even attempting to remember any exchange rate and you will also become wiser about happy hours.

Oh and keep in mind that you will receive a lovely green envelope through the post probably just after Christmas,  this will be your tax bill.

Domestic Helpers

Guide to employing a domestic helper

You will have conversations with people who are not so new about 'helpers'.  In some cases it will be essential to hire a domestic helper so that you can actually go out of the house and do the job you have come to Hong Kong for, leaving your children to be looked after by the helper you don't know yet.  That will mean cooking, cleaning, delivering children to school, picking them up again, playing with your children and getting their pjs on just in time for you to come home, exhausted, to say good night!   A myriad of emotions just there.

Decadence

In some cases you might just want the luxury of having a cleaner.  Someone to wash and iron and make your apartment spic and span as if the fairies really did come when you were out, removed all dirt and make your home into a showroom.   You may not feel the need for such a service to start with.  You may not be used to such decadence, it may be against your principles to employ a third country national and pay them the minimum wage.  You may feel strongly that you should clean up your own mess.  Don't spend too much time beating yourself up about this - get a helper as soon as possible!

Weather Warnings

Hong Kong Observatory

Your first typhoon could be exciting, you might even have a day off from the new job and the government will infiltrate your mind through pubic service warnings encouraging you to tape over your windows, bring in heavy objects from the balcony and hide under the bed.  This will undoubtedly be unnecessary and you will be left wondering if the typhoon happened or not?  The same goes for the colour of rain, a science no one understands involving amber, red or lucky black.  Lucky because it could be a potential day off too. What to do 'official guide' Hot and Cold weather warnings are also there to protect the population so you will be advised to wear a vest when its cold and stay indoors when its hot.  A government official will call around to check on the vest wearing in winter, be warned!

Being a Giant

Map of MTR lines

Transport will be tricky.  Not only will it take time to become confident and not anxious about getting places on the MTR or mini bus you will also constantly feel like a giant person when travelling on public transport.  The seats and the width of the steps seem tiny as do every other asian person around you.  I cannot honestly say that this improves over time.   This is also a feature of clothes buying but I would need a few miles of blogging to vent my feelings about sizes of lovely clothes that don't fit and how my whole wardrobe has been purchased on holidays back home or from M&S.

Obey all Rules

Fun Police Blog

 Be aware that you must conform and do everything exactly as the Hong Kong Government and  every assosiated agency require.  If you try to buck any system you will not succeed.  Every form you are required to fill in must be 100% accurate.  If  you are asked to produce photocopies of your Grannies 25 yards swimming certificate to your last water rates bill don't for one second think they don't mean it, they most certainly do, so read every form 28 times before submitting it.  You will be asked for your HK ID card number every step of the way so memorize it immediately and be grateful for it.  Without it you will get no where, whether its getting a phone line or library book that ID card makes things happen.  

If you are an experienced Hong Kong expat what advice would you give the newbies?

 

 

 

Nowhere Boy - directed by Sam Taylor-Wood

John Lennon  1961

Aaron Johnson  plays John Lennon 2010

 

I enjoyed this film a lot.  It is the story of John Lennon's adolescence, an important period in his life when his beloved uncle died suddenly leaving him with his Aunt Mimi and  also explains the very very complicated relationship he had with his mother. It ends, and I don't think I'm giving away anything here, as he heads off to Hamburg with his new band, what were they called again?  The Beatles, that's it.

We meet Paul and George fleetingly, it's too early for Ringo, but it's not about The Beetles, it's about John as a teenager and the relationships in his life which probably had a massive influence on his music and choice of instrument later.

It is British.  I am a total fan of the quiet portrayal of a character who comes alive in an authentic setting.   The attention to detail in every frame and set is delicious.  I was enthralled by each room, perfectly constructed to transport us to 1955 Liverpool.  If it was Aunt Mimi's semi detached middle class parlor or the Head master's office it was so good you could almost smell it. 

It's not a new release, it came out last year, but has only just made it to Broadway Cinamatique in Yau Ma Tei click here for  On line Ticket Sales

This is the first movie directed by the artist/photographer Sam Taylor-Wood and she has obviously used her 'eye' in the making of this, I look forward to her next work.

The Internet and me, a work in progress.

Dumber

Does the internet make us stupid?

It seems quite hypocritical of me to write a blog which is anti Google.  To write anything and publish it on the internet for all to share and read while at the same time be full of doubt and worry and concern about whether it makes us stupid could make me stupid too?

 But I am genuinely worried.

 
Click Here

Is the capability of finding information at the click of a button  really the best way to run ones life?

 Who is Accountable?

The number one question has to be about trust.  Do you trust the information you are taken to?  Is it up to date?  Is it ethical?  Is it accountable?  Newspapers can be taken to Court for slander or liable if they do not report the truth.  They are accountable whatever you think of them, even the News of the World  or even South China Morning Post (actually I need to check that!).   But any old slapper can write an article and whack it up on a  website and pass it off as being true.  People can pretend to be someone else and actively try to hide their identity.  (My name IS Lesley Croft btw).

Close Your Lid

As a teacher of students who all have their own MacBook on their desk and have the capability of googling anything.  I suspect that they have all become completely addicted to their computers and are a bunch of slovenly layabouts who can't even do any thinking for themselves. The recent best seller by Nicholas Carr called The Shallows  suggests that the use of the internet is altering the way we think and we have become less able to digest large and complex amounts of information such as...books.  Are we now a world of 'slacktivists'.  More about Nicholas Carr

"Should we reintroduce the death penalty?" I ask my class in an attempt to spark a discussion where opinions will be flying around the room like electricity. (not meant to be a pun)

Then I find a student who has typed the question into google and sets about opening up the squillion results to find the right answer.  FGS (I'm not sure if that is a cool and hip acronym to write, like LOL, but For God's Sake comes natural to me so I feel it is worthy of a FGS).  Use your own brain I yell!  Close your lid!

Shirley Turkle has expressed much the same concerns in her book, Alone Together Why we Expect more from Technology and Less from Each Other.  Because when it boils down to it using the powerful tool that is the internet via your lap top or your blackberry or your iphone is just you, in a room alone.  You/we/me enjoy the contact and communication and sense of sharing we can get through the power of the internet.  As humans we want to share and we get immense enjoyment out of sharing.  This must be true otherwise why would Facebook or Twitter or the capability to comment on any random YouTube video be so popular?   But would we enjoy it more or less if we had that face to face communication as easily. In this world of social networking just how sociable are we really?

Hello FB Friends!  Come to my party

So if I was in a real live room with all my real live friends on Facebook would I be so keen to like them or comment on their new hat or latest holiday snaps?  I predict there would be lots of moments of awkwardness, perhaps a few stifled yawns where the latest photos of their latest meal would get the better of me.  Would I really be able to show the same enthusiasm towards their beautiful wife on her birthday.  In the past those sentiments would only be shared in a personal birthday card which would stand on the sideboard.  Now everyone gets to read it!   I would struggle to remember names.  And there would be at least one full-on-punches-and-everything-thrown fight, quite a few slanging matches not to mention one or two intimate, yet flirtatious, conversations in a few dark corners.  And because all of these people are my friends I would be responsible for such an event and be the one who is blamed for the disaster that would be a party.

Those Where The Days

In my day when there was no internet or mobile phone or even a phone in the house.   What did I do?  I watched the three available channels on the telly, once they came on in the evening.  Before that I read as many Enid Blyton books as I could get my hands on.  I knocked on the doors of my friends to see if they wanted to come out to play.  All friends lived no more than 100 yards away.  When the local paper came I read that and found out what was happening in the area approximately of a 50 mile radius of where I lived.  For a change we would walk to the chip shop, sometimes we would have money to buy chips.  When I got older and could venture to Stockton to buy music I brought home 45rpm singles and played them on repeat with the arm back on the record player so I would learn them by heart (ask me to sing Puppy Love by Donny Osmond).

You know what, it was boring compared to the information sharing, movies, music and breaking news we have available to us now so perhaps this 'real world' that many hark back to is an illusion and just never really existed?  Being in a room alone with a computer seems much more attractive to being in a room alone with a Danset record player and a Donny Osmond 45.

 

Coronation Street

I have fallen off the wagon and am now back in the routine of watching Coronation Street on a week day daily basis.  I never thought it would catch me again having weened myself off it ten years ago.  But Granada TV is now a channel on offer on Now TV in Hong Kong with a 6.30am and a 6.30pm viewing every day.  On the weekend there is an omnibus edition on Sundays although I do avoid watching it then.  Oh! what am I saying?  I watch it then, sometimes, too!

Steve MacDonald

Quite a bit has changed over a decade and the Hong Kong viewing is about three years behind the real life happening now UK viewings.  But it doesn't matter a jot to me because I haven't seen anything.  Obviously I know there was a tram crash to mark the Ken Barlow 50th year in the longest running soap in the world, but I actually don't know who survived and who was snubbed out then.

So it doesn't matter.  I know I can google it all but what's the fun in that?  Plus it doesn't involve much concentration.  It is possible to peel potatoes, chop onions, answer the phone, shave legs or carry out other slightly more demanding intellectual activities such as writing blogs.

Liz MacDonald

So this is what is happening now, deep breath, brace yourself :-

Liz MacDonald is the landlady of the Rovers Return and is married to Vernon (not Jim so she is).  Steve lives in the Rovers with her and is with a smart woman who is the sister of Liam who is married to Maria who has just lost a baby and Liam's sister in law is Carla who is a widow so Liam's brother died (don't ask) and she lives with a Scottish bloke who works away and is rich so while he's away Carla flirts madly with Liam and it drives Maria bonkers.  Now Maria is staying with Audrey who has just been in contact with Gail's dad after 50 years and he didn't even know he had a daughter and was well upset and now Gail wants to get in touch but Audrey is not bothered although it upsets Bill who she lives with.  David is in jail for pushing his mother, Gail, down the stairs and she has forgiven him but why lord only knows and Sarah and Bethany are in Italy with the Canadian bloke who purports to be Gail's brother although how Audrey ever explained that one I don't know.  Roy is running Roy's Rolls and phones Hayley in Africa but I haven't worked out why she is there.

Roy Cropper

Our ever favourite Jack Duckworth is a widower, Vera has died. It was SO sad.  Now his stupid grandson Paul has set fire to Leanne Battersby's Italian restaurant on purpose for the insurance but then because Leanne would'nt be his girlfriend he has confessed to arson - stupid.  Although it seems like Leanne got away with it.  Jack is well pissed off with Paul who he says is his father's son (we all hated Terry).

Leanne Battersby

So that is a potted history of the story so far and you know it is of little consequence if you don't follow it or if you missed 10 years worth of programmes because you can soon pick it up and if you need a little background I can always fill you in and pre 2000 I consider myself a Platinum level expert in Corrie.

 

Patriotism

 

                                                                     It's just a little kiss

See the kiss on the balcony

Watching the Wedding Yesterday

Patriotism means, by definition, a devotion to ones country.  In accordance with said definition I am, therefore, not patriotic because I cannot say wholeheartedly that I am devoted to my country.  Being an expat in Hong Kong for 'n' amount of years could make others think I didn't care about England.  But they'd be wrong.  I am devoted and I am proud to be English. Yesterday I was glued to Theresa's telly all afternoon until the big moment of that kiss on that balcony and I truly truly enjoyed every minute of it.

The Royal Family

As the members of the British Royal Family made their way to Westminster Abbey and took their places, all behaving impeccably, it was obvious that they know how to put on a jolly good 'do'.  They have their pick of the best church, the best flowers, the best carriages and of course the world class top number one best route to the venue and then on to the reception. 

Queen Elizabeth I

But it's not just because they have one of the best driveways in the world to parade up and down (The Mall) its because of the crowds.  The public, who turned out to wave at them in the hope of getting a quick glimpse of the Royals really made that wedding day into an atmospheric event and made it historically important. 

Emotional Day

It is very emotional to watch any wedding.  The open exchange of vows and the support of both families is a marvelous and memorable event for any couple.  Its guaranteed to form a lump in ones throat.  Having the whole thing televised and broadcast around the world to over two billion people and having the route lined with thousands of enthusiastically waving people is mind blowing.  And it's that atmosphere of the gathering of a large crowd in celebration that gets my bottom lip quivering.  The emotion and overwhelming friendliness renews my patriotism and fuels my devotion to England.  All of those people, some had camped out for days, sitting and standing in the open and feeling secure establishes a trust in mankind.  People of all ages gathered together for the same purpose without fear. 

 

Crowds on The Mall

There goes my bottom lip goes again! 

Long may they reign over us

I have heard the press say that the moment the couple kissed on the balcony was the moment the British Royal Family re established themselves.  I think they are wrong.  The billions around the world who watched on screen and the thousands who made the journey to The Mall, Hyde Park and the streets lining the route from The Goring Hotel to Westminster Abbey and then on to Buckingham Palace didn't need that kiss.  Be sure they wanted to see it.  But the planning and excitement that was generated prior to the big day surely proves that Britain loves their Queen and that one day we will see King William and Princess Catherine. 

                                                                  Excellent idea!

Its a tradition that will continue  as it has for centuries and I for one am proud of it and I am patriotic. The less said about the Princesses stupid hats the better...

Oh dear!

 

Cooking Turkey - the best way.

It has been said that I am a good cook.  I think that I can produce some delicious meals with the help of my friends Jamie, Gordon and Delia.  They have taught me a great deal in recent years and I have to mention the good grounding I got at home with my mother.  She taught me the basics of pastry making, gravy making and the essential for all good northern women, the Yorkshire pudding.  I have never mastered cake making and the only woman who helps me with that is Bettie Crocker.  And now that I am reminiscing about people who have helped my cooking skills along the way I have to mention Maurice.  He is not a famous chef just a bloke I shared a house with for a year or two.  The way I cook spag bol, beef stew (not so much of the white cabbage these days) is down to him, oh and OXO.

But the way I cook the Christmas turkey is the Gary Rhodes way.  One day I happened upon the said Mr Rhodes on the telly giving me the secret of the best way to cook the Christmas turkey.  I taped it and have watched it every Christmas morning, just to refresh my memory, for the last 10 years.  Its a winner every time and now, dear reader I am about to give you the knowledge.

Once it is defrosted (don't think for a minute it is possible to buy a free range fresh turkey in Hong Kong).  And while we are on the subject for those of you in Hong Kong, who actually have an oven, get your bird from the frozen butcher behind Steamers in Sai Kung.  Mine was $177 for an 11 pound bird. Top tip - take out the giblets BEFORE cooking ( speak from experience).  Boil these up for the gravy.

Oven should be high for the first two hours - cover the bird with foil, for the last hour remove the foil so it gets a lovely golden brown.

The key is to protect the breast.  I cannot stress this enough.  Gary showed me how and I've never looked back.

Stuff the neck end with the stuffing of your choice.  I use paxo and I am prepared for a sharp intake of breath at this point.  I don't make my own because, frankly, I don't really like it  but I put it in because its traditional.  Then sew up the flap of skin..  Don't put too much in or it will burst out.  If you can't bear the sewing you can just fold the skin underneath or even stick it with toothpicks.

Prise the skin away from the meat on the breast so it makes two pockets on top of the bird.  Use at least 4 dessert spoons of butter and push it into the pockets between the skin and the meat.  Really push your hand deep inside, underneath the skin.  As you do this it will ease the skin away from the breast meat but be careful not to tear the skin.  Once the butter is under the skin you can press it down, from the outside, to spread it over the breast.  You can also add some herbs at this point, Jamie suggests balls of stuffing under the skin too.

Then use many many strips of streaky bacon to cover the whole of the bird including the legs.  Do not scrimp on this bacon as this will stop the breast drying out in the cooking process.  Lay the strips over the breast and make sure you lay it so it overlaps the previous piece.  Its a bit like roofing.  Leave no part of the breast or legs uncovered.  A few thin bits randomly placed is not good enough.  Remember, protecting the breast is key.

 

Place foil loosely over it, cook in the oven for prescribed amount of time.  My 12 pounder will be in for about four hours and during that time I will be basting it regularly to protect that delicate breast. Turkey baster bought from Pantry Magic in Sheung Wan.  Take the foil off for the last hour.

You can also put sausages wrapped in bacon in the tray around the turkey during the cooking process.   They will soak up the turkey and butter flavour and be yummy.  I know that some people are passionate about the choice of sausage.  I am not a purist when it comes to sausages.  Walls pork are good enough for me.

Once it's cooked, and you can check this by stabbing into the meatiest part through the leg meat and into the body, the juices should run clear, if there is any blood then put it back in for a bit more.  It will be OK as long as that breast is still covered in the bacon and you give it a good coat of the melted butter and other yummy juices from the tray.

Let it rest out of the oven for at least half an hour before carving. It can be longer.  It doesn't really matter if it cools because your  gravy will/should be piping hot.

You can make the gravy from the juices that run off as well as the liquid from the boiled up giblets, although a word of warning, it could be quite fatty what with all that butter.  Spoon off the fat as much as you can before adding to your gravy.  The turkey baster is jolly useful for this process.

Roast potatoes, roast parsnips, and cranberry sauce are essential as well as any other vegetable of your choice.

Do I need to say that it is essential to have Brussel spouts?  Whether you like them or not you just have to have at least one on Christmas Day otherwise its just not Christmas proper.

I have also just done a quick search on You Tube for tips on cooking turkey.  There is no one like Gary so take no notice of them!

Enjoy the whole process and eat while wearing a silly paper hat from the cracker whilst laughing at the joke