Fantasy

I thought about it as I think you have too.  I think about it often, more than just once a year.  I fantasize about the result and imagine other people’s reactions.  The jealousy, the bitchiness as well as admiration and the massive boost to my self esteem. How it could improve my life, improve my health and get me a better job. I picture people throwing themselves at my feet and asking me my secret.

I mean dieting.  That is what I think about oh so often.  I am in a constant state of spiritual dieting.  By spiritual I mean that in reality I am, of course, not dieting, it only happens deep inside my brain.  I am constantly tormented by guilt at what goes in my mouth and subsequently filled with regret after enjoying something which exceeds the Weight Watcher’s points, is disapproved by Jason Vale or isn’t on the E-Diet list for Tuesdays. 

In the same way I am a spiritual runner.  In spirit I run in exactly the same way as I diet.  If I have to fill in a form which has a box for ‘Hobbies and Interests’ I have to wrestle with my conscious about whether to put running or not.  Can I really justify including running when I have not, all that recently, actually ran anywhere?  You see, I so want to call myself a runner because in spirit I am.  But I have to face facts that physically I have not actually heaved myself from the settee and ran.  How long do you have to not do something before you are struck off the list?

The guilt about food started about ten years ago when I reached my goal weight with Weight Watchers.  What a moment!  But no one told me that Weight Watchers would ruin my life.  Ever since that moment I have been tormented by food.  I am now the same weight as I was before the goal weight was achieved so the fact that I have lost weight before and even had people tell me I was too thin (a momentous day!) means that I could do it again if I really wanted to.

That is where the fantasies come in.  I dream about the day I will be too thin again.  I dream about the day when I will be a fully fledged runner again.  But where does it get me?  I lurch from one promise to the next while the torment continues.

So my new year’s resolution is not the predictable go on a diet and do more exercise one.  I think, with a big, deep breath, I will let the guilt go and just get fat.  That is goal I could achieve.  In no time at all I will be like the back end of a bus, waddling around the place feeling guilt-free because I will have fulfilled my resolution and will be happy…

What this space, its getting larger by the day.