Lesley in Hong Kong

Island Yoga, Koh Yao Noi Island, Phuket

 

Island Yoga, Phuket

 

 

My bungalow

 

I spent a week at Island Yoga at the beginning of July and had a most wonderful time.  I am slightly hesitant to even write about it just incase people start flocking to Koh Yao Noi and spoil the tranquility.  

Their website is easy to use and I booked myself in for six nights.  Once this was done communication came through email and instructions on how to pay the initial deposit with PayPal were simple and clear.  

They are also very flexible {pun is intended}  so there is no specific 'course' or set period of time that you have to fit into.  You can arrange the dates to suit your own schedule and join the classes upon arrival because they are always different, challenging and interesting.  

How to Get There

Koh Yoe Noi Island is situated to the east of Phuket Island.  I took a taxi from the airport to Bang Rong Peir which took about half an hour and sat and waited peacefully, with a few Thai's and a monkey, for the small speed boat to take me on the 200 Baht trip to the Island.  There were a few tuk tuks waiting at the pier and they knew exactly where Island Yoga was.   Last boat each day is 5.30pm.

 

 

On the speed boat

 

Koh Yoe Noi

This small island does have some lovely places to stay including Sixth Sense Koh Yoe and Koyao Island Resort , is unspoilt and very quiet.  It has one circular road so it's impossible to get lost.  The local population is mostly muslim.  It was Ramadan when I was there and perhaps that made it even quieter, I'm not sure, but I liked it.  If you are familiar with the heady markets and bar world of Thailand this is the complete opposite.  It is an unspoilt place with no one pushing their wares at you. The locals were very friendly and would even stop and offer a lift just to be nice.  There are a few basic shops, 7/11 and one or two ATMs. The roads are empty so hiring a scooter or even a bike is relatively safe.  

Just as an example of how friendly it is, the  chain on my bike popped off. Once my fingers were covered in black oil and I realized I had no idea how to put it back on, I pushed it to a sleepy massage place and asked them if they could get me a tuk tuk to take me back to Island Yoga.  They quickly found a tool and fixed the chain for me and happily waved me on my way.

(Secretly, I wanted to ride in the tuk tuk)

 

Accommodation

Within Island Yoga there are a few options.  Some basic bungalows, meaning just a fan.  You can opt to share or you can stay in another location on the island and do pop-in classes to suit yourself.  I went for my own bungalow with air con.  I'm too used to air con to not have it!  I loved my bungalow, it had a comfortable bed with mosquito net, plenty of cupboard space for hanging clothes, a very nice hammock on the little deck for relaxing after a hard morning in the sala.

Food

After the first yoga session of the morning, which finished at 9.30am, breakfast was waiting for us.  A delicious spread of cereal, yoghurt, fruit as well as Thai vegetarian dishes.   This is included in the package.  If you want food at other times the wonderful Ning and her Thai family, who run the catering side, can russle up meals or snacks and this is added to your bill at check-out.

 

Me after yoga and breakfast.

 

Yoga - Two Classes Each Day

There are two classes per day.  The morning one is 90 minutes and starts at 7.30am.  This was a really excellent energising start to the day and each day the class was different.  One day we were out on the beach, one day we did laughing yoga, one morning we all were taught the secret of the netty pot and one session involved absoltuely no downward dogs at all.  The second session at 4.30pm for an hour, was Yin Yoga which involved a much more 'cushioned' variety where poses were held for longer periods of time.  

The instructors (I had Heather and Kierra) were highly knowledgable and committed to their practice.  They were bursting with creativity and filled everyone with the confidence to be strong and really enjoy each pose.  Afterall if you don't like something it'll soon be over and in the past anyway!

Yoga Sala

End of class relaxation

psssst  - So just between you and me and the gate post, sssshhhhh this place is fantastic.  I want to go back but don't tell anyone, ok!
 

 

 

Swimming

Swim Training - oh no 

Years ago I used to be a good swimmer.  For a while I was part of a team who trained and improved and entered competitions.  In my childhood memory this seems like it was years of intense training, but it probably wasn't,  and that feeling of desperately not wanting to swim another stroke and crying while I was completing the 40th lap (and that was just the warm up) is more pronounced in my memory than any enjoyment of winning a race.

Teaching

I never warmed to competitive swimming but I did go on to be a swimming teacher and teach children and adults to swim.  It is a marvellous moment to see a person going from non swimmer to swimmer and then just get better and better as their confidence kicks in.  I maintain that everyone can swim, I did not actually teach them, they could always do it really.

I spent years being either in the water or on the edge of a pool in charge of other people's children.  I don't want to sound over dramatic here but - this is a life and death situation.  It would be a little awkward to explain to a parent that you started off with a class of 20 and only returned 19 and it was their particular child who...

Follow the Rules

Strict rules had to be set.  No running, no back flips, no spins, no diving in the shallow end, no bombing, no no no no.  All for the ultimate safety of my students and peace of mind of all concerned.  It has been a constant embarrassment for my own children over the years because when being around a swimming pool in the capacity of holiday maker for leisure and not actually on duty as TEACHER, I would find it extremely difficult to not shout WALK or call someone over to 'have a word' about just how dangerous bombing can be if you hit the base of your spine on the pool floor, or go into detail about how severe a neck injury can be...

Swimming Style

The other thing I find hard to leave behind, now that I am not a swimming teacher, is technique.  Of course I don't say anything, but I do look on at struggling swimmers and want to give them the odd tip about how not to look like they are drowning or how to leave the pool feeling they've had a work out but have not swam very far.

Front Crawl

It's all about the breathing.  Statistically* 1 in 10 people are unable to swim with a flat body position, do side breathing whilst simultaneously doing a straight leg kick and move the arms smoothly, breaking the water with the fingers - and repeating this action for a whole length.

Instead there are many versions of front crawl to be seen in every swimming pool.  The worst one being attempting this stroke with the head up at all times whilst thrashing at the water with bent elbows and flailing the head meaninglessly from side to side.   Alternatively its the one where they start with the head down, it looks good for two arm pulls, then the head is lifted forward, an attempt at breathing takes place, the head is moved from side to side, optional snorting noises at this point, before it is placed back down again 

Breaststroke  

It is a fact* that 97.7%* of women are taught to swim this stroke correctly but some how cannot stop themselves from doing it wrong.  They persist in going to default granny-stroke-mode.  The advantage of this is the hair stays dry and breathing can be successfully maintained at a normal resting rate.  They can stroll around a pool using the granny-stroke technique in the same way they can window shop.  It is pointless and there is no result.  The disadvantage is that you look silly and old.  This is a true and tested statistic*.  9 out of 10 teenagers who were asked to rate the swimming technique of their mothers rated it as 'silly' and did not hold back in calling it granny-stroke and, therefore, ladies, it makes you look old.

So instead of looking like a champion

You look like this.

 

Backstroke

Apart from in the correct and proper context ie an Olympic race, it should never be attempted in a public swimming pool unless you want to seriously piss everyone else off.

Butterfly

See backstroke advice.

 

*(I made up the statistics) 

 

 

 

Wilson Trail Section 4 Ho Chung Road to Fei Ngo Shan

It has been hot, hot enough for the  HK Observatory to put out a Hot Weather Warning,  which means stay at home, be fanned continuously while sucking on ice cubes.   But after a stormy and thundery night things cooled slightly and the clouds made us believe that it would be alright to go for a hike...

Cooled slightly actually meant it was still bloody hot, mid 30Cs, but overcast so we set off from our front door in Ho Chung and headed up hill through the allotments to get onto the Wilson Trail Section 4. It is very well sign posted and had recently been cleared of over grown bush so we were on our way up up up.

I can't pretend it was easy.  It was an arduous trek and relentlessly steep.  The heat addled my brain so the idea I had, when feeling exhausted in a tempetuous childish way, about just sitting down and waiting for someone to carry me home seemed so sensible at the time.  I set myself up for disappointment as that was never going to happen.  The only way was up, I just had to keep going.

After about an hour of steps and more steps and after lots of rests for water and to get my puff back, oh and of course to appreciate the view of Sai Kung and the South China Sea, it was decided we were about... half way there.  Only half way?  My heart sank and my legs wobbled.

It started to get darker although it was the middle of the afternoon.  An ominous rain cloud positioned itself directly overhead and then dumped its stair rods of cold water.  I've never appreciated rain so much.  I was soaked through to the skin, but it cooled me down and revived me enough to continue up the steep steep slope.  (I only cried a bit)

This was just part of section 4 of the Wilson Trail, we stopped when we got to the viewing point at Fei Ngo Shan where we could see Kowloon and over to the Island.  Even in our wet t-shirt competition state a taxi driver agreed to let us in his cab, I almost tipped him!

The fancy app on the iphone told us that we had walked for a paultry 1 hour 40 minutes and a distance of 4K.

Quite honestly I could have stamped on the iphone for telling me this because it sounds like chicken feed, 4K is not very far, 1 hour 40 minutes is hardly a challenging hike in the scope of hikes I have completed,  but it was up hill the whole way.  Have I stressed just how steep it was?  Do you appreciate that it was up hill ALL the way?  Do you understanding that I hated every step?  

I did it, I achieved it but I am filled with negativity about the experience and doubt I will repeat it.  Just for the record my achilles are still throbbing two days later.

 

Confirmation that Speedos should be worn by all men

St. Kilda's Beach Australia

Please watch the Man dancing to LMFAO with his boom box.

 

Speedos - My Confession

I will not back down on this subject.  Speedos are good.  Speedos make sense.  Watch the video of the guy in Australia.  And obviously no one complained when David Wilkie won his gold medal at the Olympics wearing said perfectly acceptable swim wear.

 

 

 

The Rule of Pants

Pants - you have to have standards

I ventured into the realms of fashion a couple of days ago and made it known to the world that there are very strict rules regarding the wearing of socks.  If there are still folk out there who are unsure or unaware of the rules please refer to the previous blog called Socks- it's a mine field.  It has been suggested that I add a section about hikers and the red sock and chunky hiking boot plus there has been dispute over dark socks and trainers - honestly its a cheek!

I am now turning my attention to the subject of pants.  I mean pants, the sort you wear under your clothes (not trousers).  Briefs, knickers, panties, underwear, skivvies, smalls (feel free to add more names). 

I think this subject needs to be dealt with according to gender so I will tackle the men first.

There seems to be two main camps when the subject of male underwear is chosen and worn.  One lot prefer the boxer and the other the tighter cotton brief.  I am not a man.  It is a matter of personal choice, I cannot stress this enough.  But it has always been a bit of a mystery to me why men want to wear cotton boxers that have no support or stretch in them.  Surely a little support in that area would be beneficial?  I am just thinking how bras offer such support for females so it follows that the same would be true of the testicle area?  A further advantage of the brief would be less bulk under trousers or shorts, surely?  All explanations would be welcome here.

 

I also need to direct you to my previous blog on speedos and my confession at ths point.

Boxer Shorts

No Commandos Please

The strictest rule for males to adhere to is the wearing of underwear or at least if you have no underwear and are going to wear shorts then it is essential that the shorts have their own sewn in liner offering a snug hammock for the male parts and ensuring there is no embarrassment.  For instance when sitting down with legs apart or casually placing ones foot on a chair giving others an unrestricted view up the leg of the shorts. 

Female Pants

There are hundreds of different styles for women and it should logically follow that there should be enough styles for all the different shaped bottoms in the world.  But you'd be wrong.  Women's pants manufacturers are blind to the fact that pants have to cover cheeks so not make the dreaded VPL (visible pantie line) plus the invention of the thong has merely created a nasty infection spreading razor which is a useless piece of clothing.

Trinny and Susannah do talk some sense when it comes to foundation garments and have exposed a number of out of control wobbling bottoms in their attempt to up the standard of acceptable dress in the UK.  Magic Knickers

Girls, don't continue with ill fitting knickers that dig into your flesh and cause bulges ga lour.  There are some excellent body shaping items in Marks & Spencer these days.

And Spanx have a whole range of items to smooth any lump or bump.  See the Spanx Before and After photographs for yourself.  

 
There is even a male version of Spanx and I don't think men should shy away from this garment.  It could be a revolution for bellies world wide.  Spanx for Men offer compression under garments to help suck in bellies, its the Playtex 18 hour girdle for men.  It had to come one day.

 

Gentle reader, I conducted my own photographic survey this morning of pants in the local vicinity and I was shocked and horrified at some of the sights I found hanging around the place for all to see.  My mother was too shy to hang her pants on the washing line and kept them drying inside for modesty sake!  But some of the examples of shabby, worn out rags that pass  as underwear need to be seriously assessed and made into dusters at once.  (that's what my mother also used to do).  Check your knicker drawer now and if there are any that look like this, put them in the bin.

 

The washed out dark blue
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

                                                      Little and Large

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skiddies!

 

 

 

                                            Duster pretending to be underwear.

Sea Foot Reflexology, Sai Kung

Pedicure, Shanghai Style

A few months ago I blogged about a wonderful experience I had in Shanghai involving a man with a head torch and a sharp blade.  He used this to rid my heels of hard skin and he was so incredibly skilled at this and I was so incredibly impressed I wanted to tell the world. 

You can get Everything in Sai Kung

I have now found that in Sai Kung there is an option of a Shanghai style pedicure at Sea Foot Reflexology House, 1/F, 60 Po Tung Road, 2791 0328. 

Sure enough I was attended to by a lady with a chisel/blade and a very bright light who attended to my feet while I relaxed and flicked through recent copies of Hello magazine.  Afterwards I was offered a foot massage and went away feeling truly attended to.  $260 thank you very much.

10th July, 2010

NB

For accuracy I have to now add that this morning I am in pain!  My left heel is so sore that I can't walk properly and have had to put a band aid over the sore patch so I can wear shoes.  This is bad news and I withdraw my recommendation of the Shanghai Style pedicure...

 

Ritz Carlton - World's Highest Hotel, Hong Kong

Ritz Carlton Hong Kong

The Ritz Carlton Hotel is situated on 1 Austin Road, Kowloon.  It is the highest hotel in the world.

More tea? 

It is 1,600 ft high although I have a strong suspicion that it won't hold the record for long because someone somewhere will get all competitive and want to go to even giddier heights.  The second, third and fourth highest hotels are in, surprise surprise, Dubai.

Flower arrangement Ritz Carlton The Lounge 
 
Even though this building is even higher than the famous IFC (1364ft) I hadn't even noticed it!  I put this down to being busy and having to go to work.  I thought it was just me who didn't know about its opening at the end of March but no, I got in a taxi in Jordon and asked for "Ritz Carlton, 1 Austin Road m goi"  I got the standard response 'Ha!'  At first he attempted to drop me off at BP International House also on Austin Road but come on, it didn't even sound a bit like Ritz Carlton and is not very high at all!  After one of those fraught journeys where the taxi driver talks on the phone in a confused way and gives you no confidence in actually getting to your destination he eventually made it and we ended as friends.

Before

 After ...
 
HOW TO GET THERE

For future reference ask for Elements Shopping Mall and the Ritz Carlton is actually situated at the top of a building called International Commerce Centre ICC which is the last building on the road - THE TALLEST ONE!  The hotel is actually perched on the top of the ICC on floors 102 to 118 and afternoon tea involves a lift ride with only stop from zero to floor 103 (it took ages and my ears popped) then a short escalator down one floor to The Lounge.

It is beautifully decorated with amazing views - obviously.  The tea involves everything you'd expect - three tiered plate full of goodies and copious amounts of tea from a wide choice.

For an extra thrill you can go even higher to the bar on floor 118 Ozone which even has a partly open area and yesterday there was quite a chilly breeze blowing around there.  I thought I was being quite brave getting close to the edge and looking down.  Gulp!

 
Afternoon Tea at the Ritz Carlton, Hong Kong 

The closest building on the right is the IFC, Hong Kong Side, across the harbour is the ICC - can you see me waving?

 

Circuit Training - Sai Kung Tang Shiu Kin Sports Ground

Teacher's Race!

Sai Kung is a marvelous place to live.  I know I am in danger of become a Sai Kung bore but I believe it to be true.  Once you live in Sai Kung you'll never have to go anywhere else.  There is no need for fancy, expensive gym membership because there is - wait for it - the 'outside' for running in.  No need for running machines installed infront of televisions to slowly stagnate the brain because it is possible to step outside your door and just start your exercise.

OUTDOOR TRAINING

As well as the countryside there is also the excellent public facility right in the centre of the town, Sai Kung Tang Shiu Kin Sports Ground.  The track has people running all the time.  Some are potential Olympians and some are grannies flip flopping their way around, beware of them - they may overtake you. 

[email protected]  Nina Blacklock

As an added extra bonus there is the lovely Nina Blacklock who offers outdoor circuit training sessions at the ground, Monday to Thursday every week and I strongly recommend them.

DO YOU WANT  CHALLENGE?

There are beginners and general sessions in the evenings which involve getting your heart thumping out of your chest and a copious amounts of sweat gushing from your skin.  There is a mixture of women and men and ability.  Be warned, Nina will challenge you! 

A typical class will start off with a run around the track.  Yes you heard me, all the way round one time.  I have to admit to being stunned at being asked to do such a thing the first time and really thought I would never make it. But, at my own pace I did it.

WHAT TO EXPECT

She will follow this by stretching and balance warm ups and then the fun starts.  Making good use of the sports ground we will be given exercises to do which target various parts of the body.  There will be lunges and squats, press ups, triceps dips, sprints, planks - pant pant pant - may be a rest if you're good, but no slacking at this point because you'll probably have to do it all again, then core then may be another run around the track and of course the stretch and cool down to finish.

By that time an hour will have disappeared and we'll all be begging for mercy...not really (well a bit) But it is worth it for the fantastic buzz of endorphins and with any luck those stubborn fat stores will be left at the track instead of hanging around my middle.

CONTACT NINA

If you are interested you can contact Nina Blacklock on her email for more details of times. [email protected]

The photo is me running at my school's sports day in the dreaded teachers race - something I never would have attempted before Nina's Outdoor Sessions.   Whether this is a good or a bad thing?  The jury is still out on that one.
 

 

 

The Ghost of Neil Diamond by David Milnes

The Ghost of Neil Diamond by David Milnes is a cracking read.  Milnes, who lived and worked in Hong Kong for many years as Head of English at King George V, is now retired and living in Spain, where I imagine him sitting in his casa sipping red wine while constructing another plot line.  I was forwarded a link to Amazon that took me to an extract from chapter one.  This short snippet was enough to make me buy the book and I highly recommend it. 

 

You don't need to know Hong Kong and you don't need to be a Neil Diamond fan to identify with the protagonist and smell Chun Kin Mansions.

It all begins in a karaoke bar where Neil Atherton impresses the crowd with his  'Reason to Believe'.  He is spotted by a not-so-honest agent who gives him his card, obviously, this is Hong Kong.   As he a male who finds themselves in Hong Kong with not contract and a richer and more successful wife,  his time is spent thinking about unfulfilled dreams and ambitions.  Our main character decides to try his hand at impersonating Neil Diamond thus, he imagines, he will find fame and fortune, perhaps happiness.  His wife is appalled by this mid-life crisis and gives him money to leave Hong Kong and her.

He takes her money but doesn't leave.  As he stops caring what she thinks of him and soon finds out she has quickly found a replacement, he takes risk and after risk to get into the club scene as the best Neil Diamond impersonator this side of...well... Neil Diamond I suppose.  He becomes very familiar with ChunKing Mansions and McDonald's as well as the slippery Chinese agent. 

It made me laugh.

I found myself mulling over the characters in this book even when I wasn't reading it.  I don't know if Mr Milnes intended it to be a film but as I read it I could visualize it and, appointing myself as casting director, and spiritually auditioned mid-forty year old males to play Neil.

Give it a go why don't you?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0955650011/ref=sib_rdr_dp

The Chippy, Pottinger Street, Hong Kong

The Chippy, a truly British experience.

www.chippy.com

Cultural Holiday

The summer holidays are approaching and soon I will be visiting Blighty for a reminder of the culture I am deprived of.  I haven't been home for a couple of years now so the lure of midget gems, fresh Cadbury's chocolate and cream cakes with real cream in them is becoming intense.  The food hall at Marks and Spencer's and all those supermarkets with aisles big enough for 2 trolleys to pass each other with a vast amount of choice will be so lovely. 

Fish, Chips, Mushy Peas, Bread and Butter, Mug of Tea

Yesterday as a pre holiday treat we went to eat at The Chippy.  It is exactly what you imagine.  It's a chip shop.  A very British chip shop right in Central Hong Kong.  They have recreated the grease and smell of a typical fish and chip shop with a menu that wouldn't be out of place in any town in the UK.  Cod, chips, mushy peas a mug (yes a mug) of tea (Tetleys) and a slice of white bread and butter.   Fish cakes, steak and kidney pie, chips and peas and then the deserts  deep fried Mars bar.  They also offer the full all day English breakfast with black pudding. 

Cholestral Levels

It is all bad but all good on the same place.  I just knew that grease was sticking to my arteries as I was savoring the scrumptious crispy batter on my lovely white flakes of deep fried cod and I knew the butter melting through the white slice as the heat of the chips warmed up the bread was raising my cholesterol levels but Lord I enjoyed it.  The big mug of tea washed all the fat away and left me feeling cleansed yet belt loosening full.

Posh Chips

The decor was, obviously, white tiles with a touch of seaside blue dado, a wall of blackboard for the menu, rickety wooden tables all stocked with the condiments you expect.  HP Brown Sauce, Heinz Tomato sauce, salt and yes you've guessed it - vinegar.  The glass counter had pickled onions and pickled eggs on offer in large glass jars.  The only pretentious features of The Chippy in Hong Kong, which you don't often get in England, is the reading material provided for customers - The Sunday Times Magazine.   The background music was BBC Radio 2 live, via the internet. All a bit posh frankly but it's what us expats expect these days!

Home Sweet Home

The whole experience made us feel comfortable and at home.  The only bad thing was knowing we were in Central and had to travel an hour back to the tranquility of Sai Kung in rush hour.  Once our clothes are washed and the smell of deep fried fat is removed we'll be fine.

 I'll be running tonight to work off those calories.

They're Happy Because

They Eat Chips

Gorilla Suit in Hong Kong

Is it real?

I am a proud mother, I don't deny it.  So have a look at my daughter's latest homework assignment.  She was asked to make a music video for her Media Studies course.  Click on the link and it will take you to You Tube where you can watch the video and listen to the music.  She borrowed two gorilla costumes from a children's party company then was filmed 'at large' in Hong Kong.  My daughter is the one wearing the scarf - otherwise she is unrecognizable!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGF8VULVSP4

 

Social Experiment

But I just have to comment on the social significance of this moment in time.  Where else in the world could you parade around on the streets of a busy 'world' city in a gorilla suit and not be acknowledged unless, of course, you jumped in front of people and scared the life out of them.  I think this says a lot about the compliance and inverted politeness, which may be misconstrued as aloofness, of Hong Kong people.  They just want and expect things to be safe and to run on schedule, to be expected and routine.  When, unusually, two people in gorilla costumes board the MTR their reaction is either "Ignore" "look down" "pretend it is not happening " or to whip out their mobile phone and take a picture of it preferably with the standard two fingered peace sign.  This features in EVERY photograph ever taken by people from Hong Kong - if they don't do that particular pose then the photograph just gets deleted and lost forever.  

Hello!  Who the **** is Kitty?

often imagine Hong Kongers looking through their photograph albums looking at pictures of themselves in the same pose at various times of the year, all photos taken in shopping malls with some sort of Hello Kitty or Mini Mouse theme going on in the background.  How dull!

Cheese or Cheers?

Actually there are a few more standard 'take a photograph with me" poses.  As well as the two fingered peace sign there is the tongue out and sticking up to one side pose, this is borderline porn star but because of the naivety in this city it passes off as cute (some would say - but not me) and then there is the finger poked in the cheek pose while at the same time making a screwing motion with said finger, oh and obviously, the grin has to be unnaturally large and cheesy (or is that cheersy - saying 'Cheese' while having your photograph taken has been lost in translation and becomes 'Cheers'.

Dog Clothes

Oh and how could I forget photographs taken while posing but with the added interest of a dog dressed in clothes.  Come to Sai Kung on a Sunday afternoon and see this for yourself.

Tourist Reaction

Significantly the Western tourists on Nathan Road were the only ones to embrace the fun in the situation and have some sort of concept about how to react.  These people may possibly have travelledto other 'world' cities such as Paris or Barcelona or London and seen street theatre or just plain old busking.  They know it's for fun, they are on holiday and up for a good time.  Their reaction is different from the residents.

When I decide to do my Masters in Sociology I shall use this empirical evidence as the corner stone of my research.

Nipple Covers

BEST KNICKERS

Marks and Spencer's is a very reliable and homey shop.  You just know where you are with M&S.  Their products are renowned for lasting many washes, especially their under garments.  You can't beat a pair of M&S knickers.

A NEW PRODUCT?

When I was browsing the under garment section I discovered a new product.  Something I had never seen before.  In a small plastic pouch was 'nipple covers'. I was intrigued by  this item.  It was not possible to open the package in the shop so truly believing all M&S goods to be of a high standard I made a purchase.

THE COLD AND NIPPLES

For those of you mystified as to why a girl should require nipple covers I will attempt to throw light on the matter.  You see, when its a bit cold, and your top is a bit on the flimsy side, nipples tend to pop out for the world to see.  Living in air conditioned Hong Kong this happens a lot.  You step inside after being out in a hot and humid 30+ degrees and out they pop.

I thought that using this new fangled item would be the answer to this little problem.

TEST RUN

The next morning I decided to try them.  I opened the packet to find they were made from a thin 'band aid' type material in the shape of large daisies.  The center of the daisy was a slightly padded circle.  It was early, it was dark in my bedroom, I wasn't properly awake to read the 'How to Apply' section on the back of the packet and besides I couldn't find my glasses.

It seemed straight forward.  I peeled off the backing paper and stuck them over my nipples. Easy.

I got dressed, went to work.  Never gave them a second thought.  I wasn't aware of people pointing at me on the air conditioned bus saying "Waa look at her nipples sticking out" so I presumed they were working.

THE REMOVAL -PANIC

When I got home after a hards days toil the first thing I did was strip off and get in the shower.  Upon the removal of my clothes I remembered the hastily applied nippled covers as I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror.  "Best take them off now" I thought to myself.

Easier said than done.  The very thin sticky cover was almost impossible to get hold of.  I have nails but I couldn't just get one under the edge of the nipple covers to remove them.  I showered.  Tried again.  No better.  I showered again and used lots more shower gel to soften the fabric (steady on now!).  Still couldn't get hold of the edge to pull them off.  They were well and truly attached to my breasts and did not want to come off.

I found my glasses and the discarded packet and read the instructions.  This was not enlightening at all.  It just said stick them over nipples, peel them off when you are finished.  No clues, no hints.

STILL NOT REMOVED - GULP

About half an hour had gone by since I got home and I was still naked in the bathroom attempting to remove the offending articles.  Eventually I managed to get my thumb nail under the edge of the left one and began to peel it off.  Oh my God!  The pain was excruciating.  There was no way I could just rip it off quickly.  I had to slowly, slowly, millimeter by millimeter pull it off and try not to pass out with pain.

OH THE PAIN

I have had two children, I have ran a marathon.  I know pain.  But this?  It was really making me feel nauseous.  I came out in a hot and cold sweat and began to shiver.  Perhaps I was in shock?  I am guessing that the process took about 10 minutes and it was such a relief to remove the torturous devil item from my delicate anatomy.  But wait, horror of horrors - there was still the other one to remove.

I was almost crying at the thought.  I had a lie down to physiologically build myself up to the removal of the second nipple cover. 

It was the same horrible experience.  Sweating, shaking and on the brink of tears.

DON'T DO IT!

Gentle readers - do not ever buy these items.  They should have a health warning written on the packaging.  I definitely do not recommend them.  Don't be fooled by the steady and reliable Marks and Spencer's brand.  Give them a wide berth.