Lesley in Hong Kong

New in Hong Kong

Have you just arrived?

It is the time of year when a lot of new people arrive in Hong Kong.  There is a period of settling in and discoveries are made.  If you are new, let me warn you now, that you will feel a range of emotions on an hourly basis and the main focus of these emotions will be whether you have made the right decision about giving up your previous life to live away from your old friends and family.  You will change your mind depending upon the peaks and troughs of your experience, as I say, on an hourly basis.

OK may be I'm exaggerating about feeling differently every hour, but you will have moments of doubt.  

Spending Money

Obviously when you first arrive it is exciting and there are loads of things to do, organize and buy.  There will be a hemorrhaging from your bank account as you shell out two months of rent in advance, perhaps buy a car (not so much 2nd hand) tax a car (outrageous), Bonus Driving Blog FYI furnish your apartment.  And all the incidental purchases that make a home homely add up.  You will need mosquito, cockroach and ant deterrent, dehumidifiers to suck up the extra moisture that lingers in your wardrobes and rots your clothes, damp patch blog anti mold potions to keep the unsightly black film off your bathroom ceiling and new filters for your air conditioning units which may never have been cleaned. 

Funds will Fly

Your funds will fly out of your wallet in the flurry of socializing and meeting new people.  Hong Kong bar prices can be painfully high but you don't know that yet because you haven't established the exchange rate in your head accurately so you keep on buying drinks.  And because you are new and have no friends you say yes to all invitations because you want to come across as friendly and interesting.   After a while you will stop even attempting to remember any exchange rate and you will also become wiser about happy hours.

Oh and keep in mind that you will receive a lovely green envelope through the post probably just after Christmas,  this will be your tax bill.

Domestic Helpers

Guide to employing a domestic helper

You will have conversations with people who are not so new about 'helpers'.  In some cases it will be essential to hire a domestic helper so that you can actually go out of the house and do the job you have come to Hong Kong for, leaving your children to be looked after by the helper you don't know yet.  That will mean cooking, cleaning, delivering children to school, picking them up again, playing with your children and getting their pjs on just in time for you to come home, exhausted, to say good night!   A myriad of emotions just there.

Decadence

In some cases you might just want the luxury of having a cleaner.  Someone to wash and iron and make your apartment spic and span as if the fairies really did come when you were out, removed all dirt and make your home into a showroom.   You may not feel the need for such a service to start with.  You may not be used to such decadence, it may be against your principles to employ a third country national and pay them the minimum wage.  You may feel strongly that you should clean up your own mess.  Don't spend too much time beating yourself up about this - get a helper as soon as possible!

Weather Warnings

Hong Kong Observatory

Your first typhoon could be exciting, you might even have a day off from the new job and the government will infiltrate your mind through pubic service warnings encouraging you to tape over your windows, bring in heavy objects from the balcony and hide under the bed.  This will undoubtedly be unnecessary and you will be left wondering if the typhoon happened or not?  The same goes for the colour of rain, a science no one understands involving amber, red or lucky black.  Lucky because it could be a potential day off too. What to do 'official guide' Hot and Cold weather warnings are also there to protect the population so you will be advised to wear a vest when its cold and stay indoors when its hot.  A government official will call around to check on the vest wearing in winter, be warned!

Being a Giant

Map of MTR lines

Transport will be tricky.  Not only will it take time to become confident and not anxious about getting places on the MTR or mini bus you will also constantly feel like a giant person when travelling on public transport.  The seats and the width of the steps seem tiny as do every other asian person around you.  I cannot honestly say that this improves over time.   This is also a feature of clothes buying but I would need a few miles of blogging to vent my feelings about sizes of lovely clothes that don't fit and how my whole wardrobe has been purchased on holidays back home or from M&S.

Obey all Rules

Fun Police Blog

 Be aware that you must conform and do everything exactly as the Hong Kong Government and  every assosiated agency require.  If you try to buck any system you will not succeed.  Every form you are required to fill in must be 100% accurate.  If  you are asked to produce photocopies of your Grannies 25 yards swimming certificate to your last water rates bill don't for one second think they don't mean it, they most certainly do, so read every form 28 times before submitting it.  You will be asked for your HK ID card number every step of the way so memorize it immediately and be grateful for it.  Without it you will get no where, whether its getting a phone line or library book that ID card makes things happen.  

If you are an experienced Hong Kong expat what advice would you give the newbies?

 

 

 

The Rule of Pants

Pants - you have to have standards

I ventured into the realms of fashion a couple of days ago and made it known to the world that there are very strict rules regarding the wearing of socks.  If there are still folk out there who are unsure or unaware of the rules please refer to the previous blog called Socks- it's a mine field.  It has been suggested that I add a section about hikers and the red sock and chunky hiking boot plus there has been dispute over dark socks and trainers - honestly its a cheek!

I am now turning my attention to the subject of pants.  I mean pants, the sort you wear under your clothes (not trousers).  Briefs, knickers, panties, underwear, skivvies, smalls (feel free to add more names). 

I think this subject needs to be dealt with according to gender so I will tackle the men first.

There seems to be two main camps when the subject of male underwear is chosen and worn.  One lot prefer the boxer and the other the tighter cotton brief.  I am not a man.  It is a matter of personal choice, I cannot stress this enough.  But it has always been a bit of a mystery to me why men want to wear cotton boxers that have no support or stretch in them.  Surely a little support in that area would be beneficial?  I am just thinking how bras offer such support for females so it follows that the same would be true of the testicle area?  A further advantage of the brief would be less bulk under trousers or shorts, surely?  All explanations would be welcome here.

 

I also need to direct you to my previous blog on speedos and my confession at ths point.

Boxer Shorts

No Commandos Please

The strictest rule for males to adhere to is the wearing of underwear or at least if you have no underwear and are going to wear shorts then it is essential that the shorts have their own sewn in liner offering a snug hammock for the male parts and ensuring there is no embarrassment.  For instance when sitting down with legs apart or casually placing ones foot on a chair giving others an unrestricted view up the leg of the shorts. 

Female Pants

There are hundreds of different styles for women and it should logically follow that there should be enough styles for all the different shaped bottoms in the world.  But you'd be wrong.  Women's pants manufacturers are blind to the fact that pants have to cover cheeks so not make the dreaded VPL (visible pantie line) plus the invention of the thong has merely created a nasty infection spreading razor which is a useless piece of clothing.

Trinny and Susannah do talk some sense when it comes to foundation garments and have exposed a number of out of control wobbling bottoms in their attempt to up the standard of acceptable dress in the UK.  Magic Knickers

Girls, don't continue with ill fitting knickers that dig into your flesh and cause bulges ga lour.  There are some excellent body shaping items in Marks & Spencer these days.

And Spanx have a whole range of items to smooth any lump or bump.  See the Spanx Before and After photographs for yourself.  

 
There is even a male version of Spanx and I don't think men should shy away from this garment.  It could be a revolution for bellies world wide.  Spanx for Men offer compression under garments to help suck in bellies, its the Playtex 18 hour girdle for men.  It had to come one day.

 

Gentle reader, I conducted my own photographic survey this morning of pants in the local vicinity and I was shocked and horrified at some of the sights I found hanging around the place for all to see.  My mother was too shy to hang her pants on the washing line and kept them drying inside for modesty sake!  But some of the examples of shabby, worn out rags that pass  as underwear need to be seriously assessed and made into dusters at once.  (that's what my mother also used to do).  Check your knicker drawer now and if there are any that look like this, put them in the bin.

 

The washed out dark blue
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

                                                      Little and Large

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skiddies!

 

 

 

                                            Duster pretending to be underwear.

Socks - it's a mine field!

A law breaker

Are you fashion conscious?

Do you know how to coordinate colours?

Can you accurately tell what a fabric is just by touch?

Or do you simply not care what you look like, have no clue which colour contrasts with another, especially in the morning (then have to suffer it all day) , and constantly make shopping blunders which could be anything from getting the wrong size, wrong material or just plain wrong.

Fashion is a mine field.  There are so many choices to be made not only when shopping for new clothes but every single morning when the wardrobe doors are opened and items must be selected, obviously depending on what's in the wash.

It is the small accessories that can add a certain je ne sais quoi to any outfit.  That statement jewelry, the correctly placed belt or the right shoes can have a dramatic effect.  But the one item which can make or break an outfit is the in the foot area and if the choice of foot ware is wrong you are in serious danger of being ostracised by society and labelled as a total loser.

You think I exaggerate? I do not.  There are so many unwritten rules about sock wearing and I feel it my duty to explain a few points to you all.

No Socks with Sandals - it's the law

The sock wearing rule about wearing socks with sandals should never, under any circumstances, be broken.  If you still do not know about this one and are wondering why people point and laugh at you in the street, why your children walk six paces behind you and you are constantly drinking alone then look at your feet.  Are you an offender?  Are you wearing sandals because the weather has warmed up?  Yes would be a good answer especially in summer.  But have you omitted to leave your socks in the drawer?  Dear reader, even if you want to wear sandals but feel your feet will be cold or will be uncomfortable rubbing on the harsh newly purchased items you still cannot wear socks.  You must suffer cold feet and anything else that comes along because you must never break the sock wearing rule EVER!

Law breaker

Trainers and Sock Rule

If you are a sporty type person or wear trainers for comfort and fashion be aware of the sock wearing rule connected with trainers.  It used to be fine to wear a white ankle length sports sock with trainers.  It is not and never has been fine to wear any other colour of sock with trainers. But that was back in the 80's.  The more modern approach to sock wearing and trainers is the 'trainer sock'.  This is because the new law about sock wearing is that they have to be secret socks that, under any circumstances, must not show above the shoe.

Secret socks. Ssshh we are not really here

School Shoes Rule

As well as secret socks with trainers it has become an absolute crime for school girls to wear school shoes with socks that show above the shoe.  If mothers are not aware of this and are wondering why their daughter is unhappy in school, is sullen or sulky  try looking in her sock drawer.  This could be the answer to all future happiness in her school life.  It is absolutely essential to buy school shoes according to the school rules but also to buy socks according to the rule of socks.  Mums, learn this now, they must not show.  Girls, if your mum or your teacher makes you wear ankle socks that actually give away the fact that you are wearing socks the only alternative is to roll the sock down and flip it under your heel.  That is the method adopted by school girls who want to have friends.  It is a bit like rolling the waist band of your skirt up at the bus stop after you've left home and before you get to school.

This child is lonely and sad

There are other sock wearing rules that one must never break because if you do, the method of your sock wearing can change who you as a person.

Socks with flip flops - makes you a complete idiot.

utterly ridiculous

Knee high socks - for women over the age of 10, makes you a complete flibbertigibbet.

 

Flibbertigibbet

White socks dark shoes, oh no!

For men the pairing of a white sock and a formal dark shoe makes you an untrustworthy car salesman type and people will call you a plonker to your face. If you are actually a car salesmen you will probably not sell many cars unless it is to other white sock wearing/dark shoe wearing men.

Oi Rodney! You plonker

Cartoon Socks - zany?

Cartoon socks are in the same category as cartoon ties.  Must only be worn by male primary school teachers on specified 'fun days' other than that they should be designated to the back of the drawer and forgotten about.  I know people think they are a fun stocking filler at Christmas but they are never meant to be worn by grown males. If worn it makes you a zany fun loving guy, which really means a complete tosser.

Keep them in the back of the drawer for ever

Holes (or potaoes) 

Then there is the most heinous of crimes.  You may have got the length right.  You may have got the colour right.  But your chosen socks for the day have holes in them and, god forbid, you are required to take your shoes off and expose your self as a total slob, loser or cretin who has let themselves go, has no self respect and probably is loved by no one not even your mother.  It is that critical.  Never never never wear socks with holes.

The unloved

Public Warning

Wear socks with due care and attention.  Your future happiness depends on it.

William and Kate - Royal Wedding - 29th April, 2011

God Save the Queen.

The Official Site of The Royal Wedding

The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton is on Friday.  Did you know?

It's at 11am british time so that makes it 6pm Hong Kong time.  How civilized.

I feel I am missing out on the celebrations and street parties because I am not in jolly old blighty.  I know I can watch wall to wall telly about 'how they met' 'who designed the dress' 'who is on the invitation list' 'how his parents met' (who were they?) etc etc but what I am missing out on is the cheap tat that will be inevitably be on sale in...I was going to say Woolworths, but that's long gone, so whatever the equivalent to Woolies is these days?  Probably ASDA or TESCO.

I am still mourning the breakage of the Charles and Diana mug that I bought 31 years ago although that drop may have been a freaky premonition.  Or just a smashed mug?

Here are some excellent examples of the William & Kate memoribilia - my personal favourite is the the William and Kate Fridge!

 

The Food for the reception

Is this the price of a stamp these days?

This beer has been created to celebrate the day.

Kiss me Kate

 Weird masks, balloons and plastic cups - everything you'll need for your street party

I am surprised I haven't seen for sale in Sai Kung.

bunting and flags

Condoms by appointment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Well, if it was Prince Andrew it would be different.

 

Kate Middleton doll (could be full size with open mouth, not too sure)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My favourite - the fridge - a splendid addition to any modern kitchen

Knit your own Royal Wedding kit, corgis included - start now to be ready for the 29th!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is she really the girl next door?

  Love Hearts for those with a sweet tooth.

 

 

Totally chavvy nails.  A must for all slappers!

                                              Royal tea bags               Royal jigsaw puzzle

 

Top Shop Bunting Socks - a must for your big day William...

 

                                                              Isn't it K for Katherine?

This is just to remind me of the mug I smashed.

 

Nipple Covers

BEST KNICKERS

Marks and Spencer's is a very reliable and homey shop.  You just know where you are with M&S.  Their products are renowned for lasting many washes, especially their under garments.  You can't beat a pair of M&S knickers.

A NEW PRODUCT?

When I was browsing the under garment section I discovered a new product.  Something I had never seen before.  In a small plastic pouch was 'nipple covers'. I was intrigued by  this item.  It was not possible to open the package in the shop so truly believing all M&S goods to be of a high standard I made a purchase.

THE COLD AND NIPPLES

For those of you mystified as to why a girl should require nipple covers I will attempt to throw light on the matter.  You see, when its a bit cold, and your top is a bit on the flimsy side, nipples tend to pop out for the world to see.  Living in air conditioned Hong Kong this happens a lot.  You step inside after being out in a hot and humid 30+ degrees and out they pop.

I thought that using this new fangled item would be the answer to this little problem.

TEST RUN

The next morning I decided to try them.  I opened the packet to find they were made from a thin 'band aid' type material in the shape of large daisies.  The center of the daisy was a slightly padded circle.  It was early, it was dark in my bedroom, I wasn't properly awake to read the 'How to Apply' section on the back of the packet and besides I couldn't find my glasses.

It seemed straight forward.  I peeled off the backing paper and stuck them over my nipples. Easy.

I got dressed, went to work.  Never gave them a second thought.  I wasn't aware of people pointing at me on the air conditioned bus saying "Waa look at her nipples sticking out" so I presumed they were working.

THE REMOVAL -PANIC

When I got home after a hards days toil the first thing I did was strip off and get in the shower.  Upon the removal of my clothes I remembered the hastily applied nippled covers as I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror.  "Best take them off now" I thought to myself.

Easier said than done.  The very thin sticky cover was almost impossible to get hold of.  I have nails but I couldn't just get one under the edge of the nipple covers to remove them.  I showered.  Tried again.  No better.  I showered again and used lots more shower gel to soften the fabric (steady on now!).  Still couldn't get hold of the edge to pull them off.  They were well and truly attached to my breasts and did not want to come off.

I found my glasses and the discarded packet and read the instructions.  This was not enlightening at all.  It just said stick them over nipples, peel them off when you are finished.  No clues, no hints.

STILL NOT REMOVED - GULP

About half an hour had gone by since I got home and I was still naked in the bathroom attempting to remove the offending articles.  Eventually I managed to get my thumb nail under the edge of the left one and began to peel it off.  Oh my God!  The pain was excruciating.  There was no way I could just rip it off quickly.  I had to slowly, slowly, millimeter by millimeter pull it off and try not to pass out with pain.

OH THE PAIN

I have had two children, I have ran a marathon.  I know pain.  But this?  It was really making me feel nauseous.  I came out in a hot and cold sweat and began to shiver.  Perhaps I was in shock?  I am guessing that the process took about 10 minutes and it was such a relief to remove the torturous devil item from my delicate anatomy.  But wait, horror of horrors - there was still the other one to remove.

I was almost crying at the thought.  I had a lie down to physiologically build myself up to the removal of the second nipple cover. 

It was the same horrible experience.  Sweating, shaking and on the brink of tears.

DON'T DO IT!

Gentle readers - do not ever buy these items.  They should have a health warning written on the packaging.  I definitely do not recommend them.  Don't be fooled by the steady and reliable Marks and Spencer's brand.  Give them a wide berth.