Lesley in Hong Kong

Beards, they're just wrong.

I have to say it.

 Even George doesn't look good with one.

I am compelled to say it.

 Clean shaven is best, here is proof.

I really dislike beards.  I don't like them at all, not even a little bit.  Not even stubble and not even, actually, especially, moustaches.  I spent November in a state of constant-mild-shudder as I saw so many men sporting that unshaven, unkempt look.  Facial hair eeeuuww.

 

 

I find beards repellant.  I find them ugly and unclean.  When I see a man with a beard I jump to conclusions about his general hygiene levels.  I have nightmarish thoughts rushing through my head about the state of his sheets and his bathroom and wonder just how wild is other body hair is.  I know you will jump back at me with how wrong I possibly am and that there are grooming products regarding the general upkeep and oiling and waxing of facial hair.  But that is not what I see.

Other parts of the body

There is now an expectation to trim body hair.  In fact, let's get right to the point here.  On some body parts it has become the norm to remove that hair completely. Arm pits, legs, chest back and pubic.  There I said it!  There are products and services all over the place claiming to remove superfluous hair and leave the skin smooth and rash free.  It is a booming business.

History 

Yes, ALL body parts.

 

Hair Removal

We are all expected to have smooth, hairless bodies otherwise we are not grooming properly and just not taking care of ourselves.  That is the message pushed out there in the media and, my word, it has been taken to heart with so many salons, products and devices to remove unwanted hair in places we deem unacceptable.  I could get into the porn star -v- real life argument here, but I think I'll save that for another blog.

Skin good, body hair bad.

Fashion?

But for some baffling reason the fashion to grow the hair on male chins has begun to take over the world.  It is linked with the tweed jacket and check-shirt wearing hipster look where a massive bushy beard is an accessory.  
But dear oh dear it is getting out of control.  It's not funny or even ironic any more. I see the trend has moved on from having two day stubble into a wild, bushy woodland growth on the face.  

Slightly more than 5 0 clock shadow Justin

Just plain lazy   JUST STOP IT!

There is nothing attractive about a beard.  Here is proof.  Good looking men with beards become unattractive.  This is a fact.

Unattractive Brad.

Unattractive David

Unattractive Ryan

 

I hereby officially request that all men who have grown beards in the name of fashion or plain laziness (I suspect that is the real reason) to get back in the bathroom in the mornings and shave.  Present yourself with a smooth chin and face the world with a fresh clean-shaven confidence.  Go on!  It'll make me happy and what could be more important than that? 

 

Ray Lewis The Release Effect TRE

Ray Lewis is visiting Hong Kong from 17th April 2015 for two weeks and can be contacted on   9748 7538.

 

A few years ago I met Ray Lewis on a plane.  We had a very interesting conversation about his job which he told me was 'helping people'.  He explained a little about how he did this and it was so compelling that I followed up his suggestion of reading his website once I was home.  

 

The Release Effect     Take a little time to explore his method if you are interested.

 

 

I pursued his ideas and went ahead and did some, he recommends five,  sessions with him where he asked me questions and then asked me to sit quietly and listen to him.  I cannot really explain what happened after that apart from to say that I was aware of what was happening and could hear his voice.  It was calming and easy.

 

Afterwards, not immediately afterwards, and I can't really be precise about the timing of how my negative feelings were alleviated, but I had a complete change of feeling.  I felt lighter and no longer afraid.  The same old crap was going on but I felt Teflon coated after the sessions and it just didn't bother me in the same way.  I had more strength to live my life.

 

The Release Effect    Ray Lewis

 

Ray in visiting Hong Kong again and will be doing an informative free talk on 20th April at Reflections for all who are interested.   All the details are below from Ruby of Reflections.  

 

 

Reflections - TRE 20th April 2015

 

Ray Lewis spent most of his adult life (more than 20 years) battling severe  manic/depression or bi-polar as it has come to be known, and during that  time he spent thousands of hours and many more thousands of dollars trying  to get "the monkeys off his back".   He was addicted to therapies and would try anything to get relief from the nightmare of his own mind that he was trapped in.  He'd tried different types of therapies, attended umpteen different types of weekend seminar and read hundreds of self help books that inspired him, and according to Ray, they all worked, and provided some relief, but unfortunately, eventually the negative feelings would always come back again.
 

Fifteen years ago through a chance conversation, Ray stumbled across the missing link in the puzzle of the nightmare he found  himself in.  The answer came in the knowledge of a small part of the brain that was relatively unknown until the famous neuro-science professor Joseph  La Doux, (NYU) discovered aspects of a little part of the brain called the Amygdala in the Limbic System, which led to the development of The Release Effect.  

 

The Amygdala can store memories as a feeling memory even before our first conscious memories which usually start around the ages of 2-5.  For example, a baby left alone too long could feel abandoned, which to a baby would feel like a life threatening situation, and then in the future, anything even remotely similar to being alone can trigger the same fight/flight response that the Amygdala remembered from all those years before.  Even though the current situation is not logically relevant to that feeling memory.  The Release Effect does not require a memory of the original event that created the feelings, it does not use analysis of the past.

 

 

 

The Release Effect evolved and in the last ten years, Ray has successfully treated  nearly two thousand people with this technique, to help them get rid of their "monkeys" as well, and finally find that elusive peace of mind. 

 

Ray has been free of his depression and feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, failure, fear of poverty, unappreciated and unloved etc for over 20 years and has devoted most of his time to travelling to take this new approach to people all around the world.  He finds people in Hong Kong to be very open-minded and looks forward to meeting you at an almost free talk on April 20 evening, where you can learn more about The Release Effect.

  Love Offering :     HK$77

 

To join the evening talk on April 20 with Ray, call Reflections on 2504 1333. 

 

 

Related articles

Ray Lewis The Release Effect TRE

Swimming

Swim Training - oh no 

Years ago I used to be a good swimmer.  For a while I was part of a team who trained and improved and entered competitions.  In my childhood memory this seems like it was years of intense training, but it probably wasn't,  and that feeling of desperately not wanting to swim another stroke and crying while I was completing the 40th lap (and that was just the warm up) is more pronounced in my memory than any enjoyment of winning a race.

Teaching

I never warmed to competitive swimming but I did go on to be a swimming teacher and teach children and adults to swim.  It is a marvellous moment to see a person going from non swimmer to swimmer and then just get better and better as their confidence kicks in.  I maintain that everyone can swim, I did not actually teach them, they could always do it really.

I spent years being either in the water or on the edge of a pool in charge of other people's children.  I don't want to sound over dramatic here but - this is a life and death situation.  It would be a little awkward to explain to a parent that you started off with a class of 20 and only returned 19 and it was their particular child who...

Follow the Rules

Strict rules had to be set.  No running, no back flips, no spins, no diving in the shallow end, no bombing, no no no no.  All for the ultimate safety of my students and peace of mind of all concerned.  It has been a constant embarrassment for my own children over the years because when being around a swimming pool in the capacity of holiday maker for leisure and not actually on duty as TEACHER, I would find it extremely difficult to not shout WALK or call someone over to 'have a word' about just how dangerous bombing can be if you hit the base of your spine on the pool floor, or go into detail about how severe a neck injury can be...

Swimming Style

The other thing I find hard to leave behind, now that I am not a swimming teacher, is technique.  Of course I don't say anything, but I do look on at struggling swimmers and want to give them the odd tip about how not to look like they are drowning or how to leave the pool feeling they've had a work out but have not swam very far.

Front Crawl

It's all about the breathing.  Statistically* 1 in 10 people are unable to swim with a flat body position, do side breathing whilst simultaneously doing a straight leg kick and move the arms smoothly, breaking the water with the fingers - and repeating this action for a whole length.

Instead there are many versions of front crawl to be seen in every swimming pool.  The worst one being attempting this stroke with the head up at all times whilst thrashing at the water with bent elbows and flailing the head meaninglessly from side to side.   Alternatively its the one where they start with the head down, it looks good for two arm pulls, then the head is lifted forward, an attempt at breathing takes place, the head is moved from side to side, optional snorting noises at this point, before it is placed back down again 

Breaststroke  

It is a fact* that 97.7%* of women are taught to swim this stroke correctly but some how cannot stop themselves from doing it wrong.  They persist in going to default granny-stroke-mode.  The advantage of this is the hair stays dry and breathing can be successfully maintained at a normal resting rate.  They can stroll around a pool using the granny-stroke technique in the same way they can window shop.  It is pointless and there is no result.  The disadvantage is that you look silly and old.  This is a true and tested statistic*.  9 out of 10 teenagers who were asked to rate the swimming technique of their mothers rated it as 'silly' and did not hold back in calling it granny-stroke and, therefore, ladies, it makes you look old.

So instead of looking like a champion

You look like this.

 

Backstroke

Apart from in the correct and proper context ie an Olympic race, it should never be attempted in a public swimming pool unless you want to seriously piss everyone else off.

Butterfly

See backstroke advice.

 

*(I made up the statistics) 

 

 

 

Enough Said Directed by Nicole Holofcener - is there hope?

Enough Said

Staring  James Gandolfini off of The Sopranos as Albert

and

Julia Louis-Dreyfus off of Seinfeld as Eva

Enough Said is essentially a love story to make the hoards of baby boomers, now finding themselves divorced, alone and single, but still with the responsibility of having dependent children, feel like there is  hope.  In their new dating world Albert and Eva go through the crushing discomfort of their first date that progresses to plain awkwardness and then, happily, to the thrill of new intimacy.   The dramatic irony we are then party to causes us to beg Eva to behave like the grown-up she actually is instead of the fool she appears to be and just be honest with Albert. 

I will not be a plot spoiler.  I do recommend you go and watch it.

What I particularly liked about this film is the way Gandolfini, a larger man, was cast in a romantic role as opposed to the typically handsome Brad Pitt, Hugh Grant or Colin Firth type.  Hollywood rarely makes the fat man the one who gets the girl.  

I know that there are a zillion perfect 10 actresses out there but we also have our fair share of curvaceous women who have rallied the cause for girls bigger than a size 10.  Miranda Hart, Oprah Whitney, Queen Latifah and Dawn French to name a few.  We see such women being happy and successful and loved.  They have the 'Love me for who I am" vibe going on loud and strong and we love them for it.

In Hollywood land we don't see very many men who are not conventionally handsome and I found it really refreshing to see a larger man in a role that involved romance, sex and genuine care for the women in his life.  In an experiment, in my own head, I changed the body types around to make the female role the 'larger' lady and the male role the trim, six pack firm bicep one and played out some scenes from that point of view.  I doubt if the crack about the calorie counter book or the digs about how much dip was consumed would have been received with anything but aggression and plate smashing.

As I said both characters have children who get on airplanes and fly to distant colleges, to be educated and make their own way in the world.  I REALLY cried at that part.   

 

 

Bag Blog

A Handbag?

I am aware that some people own, yearn and lust over bags, fashion items that cost thousands of dollars.  I know that some people have collections of bags and even have a special room to keep them in.  I am also aware that expensive designer hand bags are part of a clever marketing technique where they are referred to as investment bags.  The trick is to make the buyer believe they are spending money on a product that will hold its value and, therefore, their money is not only safe, it may actually increase in value.   Just a minute while I bite my fist to stifle a cynical laugh.

How much is it (outraged tone)?

 

Old Bag

I am wise (not very rich)  and not in the market for such items of frippery.  I do, however, want a sylish bag to match my outfit, I'm not a total slob, but I know from experince that any bag will become bashed and tatty with bits of old lipstick, pen and gum stuck to the inside.  I know that it will get to the point where you just need a new bag rather than clean out the old one.  So I don't want any bag to have cost so much that I'm afraid to take it out of its dust cover (I learnt about dust covers from reading the Bag and Accessories Section of a second hand items for sale website where all the bags for sale are cheaper than their purchase price).  I want a useable, useful bag and if it's bought from Top Shop, Temple Street Ladies Market or Primarni, I do not really care but what I don't want is a bloody ruck sack/back pack.

That ruck sack does not match your outfit!

Nylon ruck sacks with many straps and pockets and secret features are not meant to be matched with any city/work outfit for any female person.  Their dangling straps and clicky plastic fastenings are meant for sport/outdoor getting wet and dirty activities.  Just because they may be practical for carrying a bunch of stuff in doesn't mean you have to succumb to using one in the street.  

Ugly Ruck Sack/Back Pack - NO NO NO!

 

Females you have been told.  I have been blunt I know - but I feel it needed to be said.

Now for you men.

Ruck Sacks for men - also wrong

The subject of a man bag is directly associated with sexuality. Apparantly if you carry a well made leather bag and NOT a badly designed nylon ruck sack  for your 'stuff'  then your masculinity is questioned.  The more scruffy, smelly and the more dangling straps (what are they for?) on the ugly nylon ruck sack means it is more manly.  What on earth does a man need to carry anyway, money and keys.  That is it - so what's with the bag?

A style sin

Bulging in the trouser area

The other very poor alternative for carrying stuff for men is the trouser pocket.  Let me be blunt here too.  Bulging pockets are not in any way attractive.  I know there is a joke there (is that a canoe in your pocket or are you....finish the rest yourself) but having a phone shaped bulge on your thigh is unsightly.

unslightly bulge.

Get yourself a nice, stylish bag preferably made of leather and essentially not one made of brightly coloured nylon with adjustably shoulder straps. NB A ruck sack is allowed if you are hiking or doing any other outdoor physical activity.  Other than that - strictly - NO.   And just to be clear the holdall bearing the brand name of a sports manufacturer is also a bit crap.  

Here are some ideas

   Nice bag and men respectively. 

 

                                                 Bag with style  

 

 

Nude or Black?

I am talking about shoes.  

 

I have had a careful assessment of my shoes.  I have taken them all out of  my shoe cupboard to find that I own numerous pairs of shoes for different occasions.  Having shoes for different occasions is a good thing.  Shoes for actually walking places, shoes for sitting down, shoes for making an entrance, shoes for making that dress look vavavoom.   That part is the good thing.  I have made shoe purchases based on that criteria.

I also have black shoes for the very same reasons although I have to say that having black shoes brings the sexy back (as Justin says).  

When said shoes were all spread out on the floor the glaringly obvious fact became clear to me.  I only own shoes that are sensibly black or sensibly nude/beige.  I have one pair of red shoes.  I love those red shoes with all my heart.   My shoe purchases revolve around making them all match to any given outfit I decide to wear each morning.  Or an outfit I decide to wear for an evening out.  Having a black pair or a nude pair is so useful, so practical and so well...predictable.  I do not own, say a green pair or a pink pair or a blue pair.

And this revelation has lead to me realizing that I can say the same about my underwear.  I only own black or nude/flesh coloured knickers and bras because they go with every outfit I wear.  If worn correctly they do not show through any fabric - unless I make a bad choice in the dark and wear black knickers under white trousers - god forbid.  However, in the same way (compare and contrast coming up) I do own a red set of underwear that I also love as much as my one pair of red shoes.  

Now I am beginning to think that if I was analyzed by a psychiatrist  regarding my choice of shoe and knicker colour then the analyst would have to conclude that I have OCD tendencies regarding colour compulsiveness.  Well - I'm not too sure about that but now I have begun to realise that a little colour in my knicker drawer as well as my shoe cupboard might be a good thing.

In my life, so far, I have no memory of owning a green pair of shoes.  I have no memory of owning a green pair of knickers either.  I cannot go on with such a list as it would be predictable and boring and most probably would lead to boredom and being bored is boring.  But you get the picture?  I am not boring.  Really I'm not! 

So dear reader - my new year's resolution, starting in September of course, is that I will be more adventurous with my shoe and knicker purchases and I might even go wild and buy a green bra and wear it under a white top - hold me back someone?

possible alternatives

 

Big green knickers

 

Ear phones - are they the curse of the young?

It is with great trepidation that I want to start this blog with "When I was young" because the sub-text reads "I am old now". Perhaps it's not about age, perhaps its about technological advances, which have been vast over the last 48 years?  Such changes make the way things were and the way things are now result in making me feel wise and experienced. See how I steered that away from using the 'old' word there? I am talking specifically about the way I listened to music and was introduced to new music because it is so very different to the way that happens now.

Music Centre

When I was growing up in my house we had a television and a record player in the living room, a radio in the kitchen and when I got to be about 14 I had a portable record player in my bedroom which sat on the floor. The living room was where the records, 45s and LPs, were kept in a special stacking unit under the teak display cabinet next to the telly which had 3 channels. The only progress I remember was when we got a colour telly which meant we could watch Play Days on BBC2 in colour. We also got a music centre which meant we could play the radio, cassette tapes and records on the same piece of equipment. All of these music playing machines were kept in the same corner of the living room.

 

Parent's Music Taste

The way music was played back then meant that everyone in the family got to hear your choice of music. My mother liked John Denver and my dad liked Irish folk music. When they put their records on I listened to the tracks. I learned the words of many songs just because they were being played in the background while I went about my business. When I played my records they listened to my choice. When I was deeply involved with Donny Osmond's Puppy Love and played it loud enough so I could hear it in the garden (with the arm across so it repeated) there was a few tuts but I continued to listen and so did they. When my brother was all consumed with Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel and what became a life long love of punk I also became knowledgeable about punk music even though I only owned The Osmonds and David Essex LPs.

 

Top of the Pops - BBC Radio 1

Then there was Top of the Pops and Radio 1.  That was the way I heard new music and decided if I liked it enough to buy it.   The new number one was announced on a Sunday and I would listen for hours to ensure that I knew who it was so I would be all knowledgeable on a Monday morning at school.  And then on Thursdays that number one song would be the last to be played on TOTP. 

There was a time when me and my brother would attempt to use our small cassette player to record music from the telly.  This meant standing by until the disc jockey had announced the band (sometims that would be Jimmy Saville) and then pressing record and play simultaniously and then, most importantly, remain totally silent until it had finished thereupon jumping up to press 'stop' so as not to get Jimmy or Tony or Dave or Noel's voice on the recording. 

I remember this proving really difficult during Sugar Baby Love by the Rubetts because the lead voice was so incredibly high it made us convulse into fits of laughter and have to go in the kitchen until that bit was over. 

Purchasing Music

Based upon my exposure to music via Top of the Pops or Radio 1 I would decide whether I liked a song enough to buy the single and then if I really liked the artist whether to go the full distance and buy their LP, which would have tracks on both sides, that I'd never ever heard and was taking a huge risk shelling out my hard earned Saturday girl money for.

When I got home and put the record on everyone else got to hear it.  I took it rounds my friend's house sometimes so they could hear it too. 

New Way

These days the way I listen to music and find out about new music is completely different.  It is hardly ever from the television and when I listen to the radio I do it through a podcast of various BBC shows and for copyright reasons I can only listen to the voice of the DJ, the music is not available.  The people around me do not pollute my space with their music.  That would be rude.

They play their own personal music through earphones into their brain.  So my question is how do we know about other people's music and new music?  I feel my music education happened because I had to listen to the music of others and be exposed to various different tastes.  I had to listen to music I didn't particularly like so as to get to the stuff I did like.

Now it is possible to only buy selected tracks from albums which I think is a real shame because when you have a whole album you start off liking some tracks and then you might warm to the others over time.  But if you never gave yourself the chance in the first place and only bought a few tracks then you could be missing out?

Earphone benefits?

Earphone wearing has its benefits - I understand that.  But as we all go about our business listening to our own personal music through earphones we may fail to be exposed to music of different eras and genres because although the range of music available to illegally download via You Tube is vast, I suspect only a small amount is explored because it seems that the same narrow range music is being listened to all over the globe in the same way as T-shirts and jeans are the most common choice of dress all over the world. 

There are homes all over the world where 3 or 4 people may inhabit the same living space but no one plays their music out loud into the room,  they all listen to their own private music pumped into their ears via earphones and thus depriving the rest of the household from saying 'turn that bloody noise down' or even better 'is that a girl or a bloke singing that?"

Children can be sucked into their own You Tube Itunes world and never know the musical taste of their parents, never have to suffer their parents Radio 2 choice of music, never know all the words to American Pie and never have the opportunity to get to know where the original track came from.

 

 

On The Road the movie of the novel by Jack Kerouac

On The Road is an autobiographical novel by Jack Kerouac, published in 1957, depicting his own journey across America in the 1950s and in particular describing the relationship with his friend Neal Cassidy. The names are changed presumably to protect the innocent however there is absolutely nothing innocent about any of the characters. There is more than a smattering of staying up late and upsetting the wife/girlfriend/mother/grandmother to drug taking, stealing (hearts as well as tangible items), reckless driving and sex with a creative mixture of gender combinations.

The main character is Sal - really Kerouac, his friend is Dean, really Cassidy - both are writers, both young and completely and utterly concerned with their own self exploration in an effort to be inspired to write.

The movie, directed by Walter Salles, is beautifully filmed so we are treated to vast and varying landscapes, intoxicating jazz and dance scenes in Harlem and plenty of male nakedness, namely Garrett Hedlund, which always brightens up a movie in my opinion.

The love interests, I stress on the plural here, are played by Kristen Stewart and Kirsten Dunst who are both captivating on screen.

My overall experience was a positive but spoilt by the two young women and one man sat next to me who continually text on their bloody mobile phones throughout the movie causing distraction in a completely selfish way. I tried my best not to turn into my scary school teacher role, I shielded my eyes from them in an attempt to block out their annoying little lights but it didn't work. The longer it went on the more my cinematic experience was spoilt and the more I began to think that if I didn't say anything I would kick myself tomorrow. And so I told them off! "Will you please stop it with the mobile phones now". I guess if I had been any where else in the world this could have turned into a nasty uncomfortable incident that I could have seriously regretted, instead the two women were mortified, apologized sincerely and left!

I recommend this film and I recommend telling people in movie theatres to behave themselves and abide by the rules.

Girl Put Your Records On...

Music is a wonderful thing

Record Player

Best of The Eagles back cover

I have been listening to it on a daily basis all my life and in these high-tech-state-of-the-art and other cliched phrases I could use about the way music is marketed to us masses - it is easier than ever.  It is cheaper than ever and its probably of a such a high quality that our ears don't even appreciate it.  I am speaking for myself in case you want to write and challenge me on that last point.

Technical Process

I can download music while sitting at my laptop (in bed, on the sofa in Starbucks)  and have it immediately coming into my ears by the process of - well I have not idea how it works, perhaps it's magic?  I can still buy a CD from a shop that sells music and then download it onto itunes and then my ipod and then I can have it with me 24 hours a day - if I so choose.  I can have music playing from my laptop, from my tv, from my car radio, from my ipod dock.  If I so wished I could install integral speakers into the ceiling of my home and have music piped into every room including the bathroom.  If I so choose. 

Vinyl Discs

But it didn't used to be like that.  I used to save up my pounds shillings and pence and buy vinyl records.  I will provide a photograph of the circular black vinyl discs for those too young to have a clue what I'm talking about.

This is a long playing vinyl record which plays at 33 1/3 revolutions per minute

And then I would take my record out of its paper sleeve and play it on my record player which was kept on the floor of my bedroom.  It had a plug and 3 speeds, 72 rpm, 33rpm and 45 rpm and a speaker.  You can see the two knobs on the front, off/on and the volume.  There was nothing else to control. 

Mine was like this

I've Got a Record Player

The breaking news I'm building up to is that I now have a record player.  It's true.  I have a 'new' record player and old records and have spent a very pleasant day playing them.  I hadn't remembered how labour intensive it is.  I had to constantly keep tending the machine, changing the record, putting them back in their paper sleeve and then the slightly awkward more difficult process of slipping the paper bit back into the cardboard bit.  You know what I mean?  If you don't get the angle right it just doesn't slip in smoothly (yak yak fnar fnar).

I started with The Eagles and as soon as I had placed the needle on the first track (with small coin fixed on the top for extra weight), heard the familiar crackle,  and then the introduction.  One of These Nights burst out into the room I was back in my bedroom and a 16 year old - alone- learning the words.  That was my aim, to listen to each track continuously for days and days and months and months until I knew the song and then not only would I know the track off by heart, I knew how long the pause would be before the next introduction to the next song would take and come in, on time, with the first line.  I could not listen to this song anywhere else unless I took it round my mates house to play on her record player, there was no way to listen if I wasn't right by my record player in my room. 

I've had a blast from the past with Best of The Eagles and a few Rod and The Faces and I've re experienced Frankie Goes to Hollywood ' Relax' and danced in the lounge and now I've discovered that I actually do like Led Zepplin which I truely didn't know.  I know I like Stairway to Heaven, I mean who doens't, but my memory of Led Zep as a teenager was a terrible uncomfortable noise coming out of the sixth form common room.  I pretended to like it to impress a boy once, but I was too besotted with The Bay City Rollers at the time to give Plant and Page much attention. 

A Led Zepplin record wot I like

I announce to the world that I do in fact like Led Zepplin.  I have to go now the neighbours are banging on the door and seem angry...

 

 

 

 

Learn to type young man, learn to type! Smart phone usage update.

I know it's quite a radical way of thinking but I want to put it out to you all that every one should learn to type on a keyboard using all of their fingers and thumbs.  This also involves sitting up straight at a desk with feet flat on the floor.  This skill is not taught formally yet millions of people use a keyboard every day. 

To become a skillful touch typist it takes around six weeks to master the home keys of

ASDF (SPACE) JKL;

and after that each finger is taught to remember where the other letters are. It is not that difficult, just repetitive.

Six weeks is not a lot of time.  I can type as fast as I can think. 

Now I have a smart phone I can use one finger nail to type a message or alternatively two thumbs.  This is proving quite difficult, inaccurate and frankly it's a right palaver.   I am a ham fisted, special needs lummox at smart phone typing.

I did say I would keep you posted regarding the evolution of my smart phone usage - well I've been rating it at the status of 'hate' but in the last day it's gone up, slightly,  to 'I'm not really getting on with it'

And frankly why do I need notification beeps when someone emails because when I decide to look at my laptop I can see that information - when I decide to look...is the need for immediate response that great?  I am not a world leader or whiz invester who needs to buy - no - sell...

 

 

Viz Educational Recruitment

Viz Adult Comic

 

I just had to share these spoof adverts from this months Viz.  I am thinking of applying!

 

Rutland Council Schools Service

WANTED

Large-Breasted Female English Teacher   24-30K

A busy boys-only secondary school in Oakham is seeking a new English teacher.  The appointee will have a good knowledge of 20th Century English Literature, familiarity with the requirements of the National Curriculum and a flimsy blouse, straining at the buttons.

Main duties will involve providing masturbatory inspiration for boys in Years 9, 10 and 11, as well as subject matter for crudely-drawn desk-lid graffiti.  An existing rumour about having posed for pornographic photographs on the internet would be an advantage but is not essential, as this will start following the first assembly the successful applicant attends.

For an application form contact Mr Geoff Plywood, Deputy Head, St. Oswalds High Street, Rutland

"Helping Pupils Maximise Achievement of their Individual Potential" 

Rutland Council Schools Service

or

 

Redditch County Council require a

Bitter, Jaded Geography Teacher

Grade 2  38-41K pa

Redditch County Council are seeking a tired, disenchanted professional to go through the motions of teaching geography A level at a comprehensive school in the borough.

We're looking for someone with a complete lack of drive and ambition to sit in front of a class, drinking coffee for up to 40 minutes at a time.  The successful candidate will have:-

• a farcial record of absenteeism
• given every piece of homework he has ever marked 7/10 without reading it
• absolutely no desire for promotion
• not changed his lesson plans for at least 15 years

In addition he will be cynically counting the days to the earliest opportunity he has to take early retirement on the grounds of ill health whilst retaining his full pension entitlement.

If this sounds like you, then reply enclosing the same CV you had in 1976 to Mrs Audrey Frodsham, ref. V654, Town Hall Reddith RE5

Reddich Schools, more than just schools...Redditch Schools!

How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran

I feel it has become acceptable to criticize men much more so than it is to criticize women.  Having a pair of tits is not the funniest joke in the world any more but making generalizations about maleness (can't multi task, can't ask for direction, useless at remembering anniversaries blah blah blah) is more than acceptable and I don't like it.  Men - the truth I don't believe it is good enough to pass off horrible behaviour in the classroom as 'its because he is a boy'.  Horrible behaviour is horrible regardless of gender.

A feminist book

So it was with trepidation that I picked up a feminist book called 'How to be a Woman' because I thought it might be another opportunity of cheap man knocking.  I was wrong.  It turns out that me and Caitlin Moran think almost the same about a long list of issues.

Investment Handbags  are just wrong

There are a whole load of vacuous so called symbols of femininity that I don't get. Gel nails with sparkles, long hair, OK Magazine and shopping or even worse shopping with friends, having more than one handbag, having a handbag that costs the same as a car!  Moran is of the opinion that having an 'investment' handbag is total nonsense.  I totally agree.  A bag is meant to carry things around (not small dogs) and with luck matches your outfit, so don't be sucked in by the global marketing techniques that matches a stick insect woman with an ugly handbag.  Expensive equals good does it?   NO!  And if you think otherwise then you'll have to be satisfied with the fact that I am right and you are wrong!

The modern wedding

The average cost of a wedding is 25,000 pounds.  That is a shocking amount of money and I blame the conveyor belt mentality on advertising and reality tv. Conveyor belt meaning that the couple get whisked along on a spending spree of what they think is expected of them and the belt keeps on moving them along until they wave good bye to all the guests to boogie the night away at the reception.  After that is when the shock of managing their budget month to month, paying a mortgage and bringing up children they wish they'd used that money on something more practical. Moran feels the same and she talks so much sense on the subject. Set up surprise proposals and having a wedding planner, matching table centre pieces and bridesmaids is not real.

Superfluous Hair

The removal of hair from various parts of the body for very confusing socially acceptable or unacceptable reasons has become the norm and Moran's theory is this new fashion is fuelled by the easy access of porn via the internet where hair has been eliminated for the sake of a good shot (if you pardon the expression).  I too have expressed my opinion about hair in a previous blog Superfluous Hair so you can see that I should have written this book and become as rich and famous as Ms Moran.

Caitlin has become my hero, she loves her husband and her children, loves femine clothes and particularly underwear, but not high heels.  I think her description of  the birth of her first child sounds like a horror story although she got it all right the second time.  I felt rather smug at this point in the book because I got it right on the first go - I have no horror story about child birth.  I had two text book, natural births with no drama invovled and didn't feel the need to utter expletives throughout the experience.

It is so funny

I encourage you all, male or female, to read How to be a Woman because it made me laugh an incredible amount (there is a sad, controvertial bit, be warned).   She does say towards the end that she still doesn't know how to be a woman because she hasn't yet reached the menopause, had teenage children or experienced the death of a parent so I guess I must be ahead of her about learning how to do it.

I am a fan of Speedos

 

I'm Sexy and I know it

I will say it again.  I am a fan of Speedos.  I said it in an earlier blog Speedos My confession

and I think this video truly confirms why I am right!

 

 

 

 

 

The Rule of Pants

Pants - you have to have standards

I ventured into the realms of fashion a couple of days ago and made it known to the world that there are very strict rules regarding the wearing of socks.  If there are still folk out there who are unsure or unaware of the rules please refer to the previous blog called Socks- it's a mine field.  It has been suggested that I add a section about hikers and the red sock and chunky hiking boot plus there has been dispute over dark socks and trainers - honestly its a cheek!

I am now turning my attention to the subject of pants.  I mean pants, the sort you wear under your clothes (not trousers).  Briefs, knickers, panties, underwear, skivvies, smalls (feel free to add more names). 

I think this subject needs to be dealt with according to gender so I will tackle the men first.

There seems to be two main camps when the subject of male underwear is chosen and worn.  One lot prefer the boxer and the other the tighter cotton brief.  I am not a man.  It is a matter of personal choice, I cannot stress this enough.  But it has always been a bit of a mystery to me why men want to wear cotton boxers that have no support or stretch in them.  Surely a little support in that area would be beneficial?  I am just thinking how bras offer such support for females so it follows that the same would be true of the testicle area?  A further advantage of the brief would be less bulk under trousers or shorts, surely?  All explanations would be welcome here.

 

I also need to direct you to my previous blog on speedos and my confession at ths point.

Boxer Shorts

No Commandos Please

The strictest rule for males to adhere to is the wearing of underwear or at least if you have no underwear and are going to wear shorts then it is essential that the shorts have their own sewn in liner offering a snug hammock for the male parts and ensuring there is no embarrassment.  For instance when sitting down with legs apart or casually placing ones foot on a chair giving others an unrestricted view up the leg of the shorts. 

Female Pants

There are hundreds of different styles for women and it should logically follow that there should be enough styles for all the different shaped bottoms in the world.  But you'd be wrong.  Women's pants manufacturers are blind to the fact that pants have to cover cheeks so not make the dreaded VPL (visible pantie line) plus the invention of the thong has merely created a nasty infection spreading razor which is a useless piece of clothing.

Trinny and Susannah do talk some sense when it comes to foundation garments and have exposed a number of out of control wobbling bottoms in their attempt to up the standard of acceptable dress in the UK.  Magic Knickers

Girls, don't continue with ill fitting knickers that dig into your flesh and cause bulges ga lour.  There are some excellent body shaping items in Marks & Spencer these days.

And Spanx have a whole range of items to smooth any lump or bump.  See the Spanx Before and After photographs for yourself.  

 
There is even a male version of Spanx and I don't think men should shy away from this garment.  It could be a revolution for bellies world wide.  Spanx for Men offer compression under garments to help suck in bellies, its the Playtex 18 hour girdle for men.  It had to come one day.

 

Gentle reader, I conducted my own photographic survey this morning of pants in the local vicinity and I was shocked and horrified at some of the sights I found hanging around the place for all to see.  My mother was too shy to hang her pants on the washing line and kept them drying inside for modesty sake!  But some of the examples of shabby, worn out rags that pass  as underwear need to be seriously assessed and made into dusters at once.  (that's what my mother also used to do).  Check your knicker drawer now and if there are any that look like this, put them in the bin.

 

The washed out dark blue
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

                                                      Little and Large

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skiddies!

 

 

 

                                            Duster pretending to be underwear.

Socks - it's a mine field!

A law breaker

Are you fashion conscious?

Do you know how to coordinate colours?

Can you accurately tell what a fabric is just by touch?

Or do you simply not care what you look like, have no clue which colour contrasts with another, especially in the morning (then have to suffer it all day) , and constantly make shopping blunders which could be anything from getting the wrong size, wrong material or just plain wrong.

Fashion is a mine field.  There are so many choices to be made not only when shopping for new clothes but every single morning when the wardrobe doors are opened and items must be selected, obviously depending on what's in the wash.

It is the small accessories that can add a certain je ne sais quoi to any outfit.  That statement jewelry, the correctly placed belt or the right shoes can have a dramatic effect.  But the one item which can make or break an outfit is the in the foot area and if the choice of foot ware is wrong you are in serious danger of being ostracised by society and labelled as a total loser.

You think I exaggerate? I do not.  There are so many unwritten rules about sock wearing and I feel it my duty to explain a few points to you all.

No Socks with Sandals - it's the law

The sock wearing rule about wearing socks with sandals should never, under any circumstances, be broken.  If you still do not know about this one and are wondering why people point and laugh at you in the street, why your children walk six paces behind you and you are constantly drinking alone then look at your feet.  Are you an offender?  Are you wearing sandals because the weather has warmed up?  Yes would be a good answer especially in summer.  But have you omitted to leave your socks in the drawer?  Dear reader, even if you want to wear sandals but feel your feet will be cold or will be uncomfortable rubbing on the harsh newly purchased items you still cannot wear socks.  You must suffer cold feet and anything else that comes along because you must never break the sock wearing rule EVER!

Law breaker

Trainers and Sock Rule

If you are a sporty type person or wear trainers for comfort and fashion be aware of the sock wearing rule connected with trainers.  It used to be fine to wear a white ankle length sports sock with trainers.  It is not and never has been fine to wear any other colour of sock with trainers. But that was back in the 80's.  The more modern approach to sock wearing and trainers is the 'trainer sock'.  This is because the new law about sock wearing is that they have to be secret socks that, under any circumstances, must not show above the shoe.

Secret socks. Ssshh we are not really here

School Shoes Rule

As well as secret socks with trainers it has become an absolute crime for school girls to wear school shoes with socks that show above the shoe.  If mothers are not aware of this and are wondering why their daughter is unhappy in school, is sullen or sulky  try looking in her sock drawer.  This could be the answer to all future happiness in her school life.  It is absolutely essential to buy school shoes according to the school rules but also to buy socks according to the rule of socks.  Mums, learn this now, they must not show.  Girls, if your mum or your teacher makes you wear ankle socks that actually give away the fact that you are wearing socks the only alternative is to roll the sock down and flip it under your heel.  That is the method adopted by school girls who want to have friends.  It is a bit like rolling the waist band of your skirt up at the bus stop after you've left home and before you get to school.

This child is lonely and sad

There are other sock wearing rules that one must never break because if you do, the method of your sock wearing can change who you as a person.

Socks with flip flops - makes you a complete idiot.

utterly ridiculous

Knee high socks - for women over the age of 10, makes you a complete flibbertigibbet.

 

Flibbertigibbet

White socks dark shoes, oh no!

For men the pairing of a white sock and a formal dark shoe makes you an untrustworthy car salesman type and people will call you a plonker to your face. If you are actually a car salesmen you will probably not sell many cars unless it is to other white sock wearing/dark shoe wearing men.

Oi Rodney! You plonker

Cartoon Socks - zany?

Cartoon socks are in the same category as cartoon ties.  Must only be worn by male primary school teachers on specified 'fun days' other than that they should be designated to the back of the drawer and forgotten about.  I know people think they are a fun stocking filler at Christmas but they are never meant to be worn by grown males. If worn it makes you a zany fun loving guy, which really means a complete tosser.

Keep them in the back of the drawer for ever

Holes (or potaoes) 

Then there is the most heinous of crimes.  You may have got the length right.  You may have got the colour right.  But your chosen socks for the day have holes in them and, god forbid, you are required to take your shoes off and expose your self as a total slob, loser or cretin who has let themselves go, has no self respect and probably is loved by no one not even your mother.  It is that critical.  Never never never wear socks with holes.

The unloved

Public Warning

Wear socks with due care and attention.  Your future happiness depends on it.

Sea Foot Reflexology, Sai Kung

Pedicure, Shanghai Style

A few months ago I blogged about a wonderful experience I had in Shanghai involving a man with a head torch and a sharp blade.  He used this to rid my heels of hard skin and he was so incredibly skilled at this and I was so incredibly impressed I wanted to tell the world. 

You can get Everything in Sai Kung

I have now found that in Sai Kung there is an option of a Shanghai style pedicure at Sea Foot Reflexology House, 1/F, 60 Po Tung Road, 2791 0328. 

Sure enough I was attended to by a lady with a chisel/blade and a very bright light who attended to my feet while I relaxed and flicked through recent copies of Hello magazine.  Afterwards I was offered a foot massage and went away feeling truly attended to.  $260 thank you very much.

10th July, 2010

NB

For accuracy I have to now add that this morning I am in pain!  My left heel is so sore that I can't walk properly and have had to put a band aid over the sore patch so I can wear shoes.  This is bad news and I withdraw my recommendation of the Shanghai Style pedicure...

 

The Internet and me, a work in progress.

Dumber

Does the internet make us stupid?

It seems quite hypocritical of me to write a blog which is anti Google.  To write anything and publish it on the internet for all to share and read while at the same time be full of doubt and worry and concern about whether it makes us stupid could make me stupid too?

 But I am genuinely worried.

 
Click Here

Is the capability of finding information at the click of a button  really the best way to run ones life?

 Who is Accountable?

The number one question has to be about trust.  Do you trust the information you are taken to?  Is it up to date?  Is it ethical?  Is it accountable?  Newspapers can be taken to Court for slander or liable if they do not report the truth.  They are accountable whatever you think of them, even the News of the World  or even South China Morning Post (actually I need to check that!).   But any old slapper can write an article and whack it up on a  website and pass it off as being true.  People can pretend to be someone else and actively try to hide their identity.  (My name IS Lesley Croft btw).

Close Your Lid

As a teacher of students who all have their own MacBook on their desk and have the capability of googling anything.  I suspect that they have all become completely addicted to their computers and are a bunch of slovenly layabouts who can't even do any thinking for themselves. The recent best seller by Nicholas Carr called The Shallows  suggests that the use of the internet is altering the way we think and we have become less able to digest large and complex amounts of information such as...books.  Are we now a world of 'slacktivists'.  More about Nicholas Carr

"Should we reintroduce the death penalty?" I ask my class in an attempt to spark a discussion where opinions will be flying around the room like electricity. (not meant to be a pun)

Then I find a student who has typed the question into google and sets about opening up the squillion results to find the right answer.  FGS (I'm not sure if that is a cool and hip acronym to write, like LOL, but For God's Sake comes natural to me so I feel it is worthy of a FGS).  Use your own brain I yell!  Close your lid!

Shirley Turkle has expressed much the same concerns in her book, Alone Together Why we Expect more from Technology and Less from Each Other.  Because when it boils down to it using the powerful tool that is the internet via your lap top or your blackberry or your iphone is just you, in a room alone.  You/we/me enjoy the contact and communication and sense of sharing we can get through the power of the internet.  As humans we want to share and we get immense enjoyment out of sharing.  This must be true otherwise why would Facebook or Twitter or the capability to comment on any random YouTube video be so popular?   But would we enjoy it more or less if we had that face to face communication as easily. In this world of social networking just how sociable are we really?

Hello FB Friends!  Come to my party

So if I was in a real live room with all my real live friends on Facebook would I be so keen to like them or comment on their new hat or latest holiday snaps?  I predict there would be lots of moments of awkwardness, perhaps a few stifled yawns where the latest photos of their latest meal would get the better of me.  Would I really be able to show the same enthusiasm towards their beautiful wife on her birthday.  In the past those sentiments would only be shared in a personal birthday card which would stand on the sideboard.  Now everyone gets to read it!   I would struggle to remember names.  And there would be at least one full-on-punches-and-everything-thrown fight, quite a few slanging matches not to mention one or two intimate, yet flirtatious, conversations in a few dark corners.  And because all of these people are my friends I would be responsible for such an event and be the one who is blamed for the disaster that would be a party.

Those Where The Days

In my day when there was no internet or mobile phone or even a phone in the house.   What did I do?  I watched the three available channels on the telly, once they came on in the evening.  Before that I read as many Enid Blyton books as I could get my hands on.  I knocked on the doors of my friends to see if they wanted to come out to play.  All friends lived no more than 100 yards away.  When the local paper came I read that and found out what was happening in the area approximately of a 50 mile radius of where I lived.  For a change we would walk to the chip shop, sometimes we would have money to buy chips.  When I got older and could venture to Stockton to buy music I brought home 45rpm singles and played them on repeat with the arm back on the record player so I would learn them by heart (ask me to sing Puppy Love by Donny Osmond).

You know what, it was boring compared to the information sharing, movies, music and breaking news we have available to us now so perhaps this 'real world' that many hark back to is an illusion and just never really existed?  Being in a room alone with a computer seems much more attractive to being in a room alone with a Danset record player and a Donny Osmond 45.

 

William and Kate - Royal Wedding - 29th April, 2011

God Save the Queen.

The Official Site of The Royal Wedding

The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton is on Friday.  Did you know?

It's at 11am british time so that makes it 6pm Hong Kong time.  How civilized.

I feel I am missing out on the celebrations and street parties because I am not in jolly old blighty.  I know I can watch wall to wall telly about 'how they met' 'who designed the dress' 'who is on the invitation list' 'how his parents met' (who were they?) etc etc but what I am missing out on is the cheap tat that will be inevitably be on sale in...I was going to say Woolworths, but that's long gone, so whatever the equivalent to Woolies is these days?  Probably ASDA or TESCO.

I am still mourning the breakage of the Charles and Diana mug that I bought 31 years ago although that drop may have been a freaky premonition.  Or just a smashed mug?

Here are some excellent examples of the William & Kate memoribilia - my personal favourite is the the William and Kate Fridge!

 

The Food for the reception

Is this the price of a stamp these days?

This beer has been created to celebrate the day.

Kiss me Kate

 Weird masks, balloons and plastic cups - everything you'll need for your street party

I am surprised I haven't seen for sale in Sai Kung.

bunting and flags

Condoms by appointment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   Well, if it was Prince Andrew it would be different.

 

Kate Middleton doll (could be full size with open mouth, not too sure)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My favourite - the fridge - a splendid addition to any modern kitchen

Knit your own Royal Wedding kit, corgis included - start now to be ready for the 29th!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is she really the girl next door?

  Love Hearts for those with a sweet tooth.

 

 

Totally chavvy nails.  A must for all slappers!

                                              Royal tea bags               Royal jigsaw puzzle

 

Top Shop Bunting Socks - a must for your big day William...

 

                                                              Isn't it K for Katherine?

This is just to remind me of the mug I smashed.

 

Ritz Carlton - World's Highest Hotel, Hong Kong

Ritz Carlton Hong Kong

The Ritz Carlton Hotel is situated on 1 Austin Road, Kowloon.  It is the highest hotel in the world.

More tea? 

It is 1,600 ft high although I have a strong suspicion that it won't hold the record for long because someone somewhere will get all competitive and want to go to even giddier heights.  The second, third and fourth highest hotels are in, surprise surprise, Dubai.

Flower arrangement Ritz Carlton The Lounge 
 
Even though this building is even higher than the famous IFC (1364ft) I hadn't even noticed it!  I put this down to being busy and having to go to work.  I thought it was just me who didn't know about its opening at the end of March but no, I got in a taxi in Jordon and asked for "Ritz Carlton, 1 Austin Road m goi"  I got the standard response 'Ha!'  At first he attempted to drop me off at BP International House also on Austin Road but come on, it didn't even sound a bit like Ritz Carlton and is not very high at all!  After one of those fraught journeys where the taxi driver talks on the phone in a confused way and gives you no confidence in actually getting to your destination he eventually made it and we ended as friends.

Before

 After ...
 
HOW TO GET THERE

For future reference ask for Elements Shopping Mall and the Ritz Carlton is actually situated at the top of a building called International Commerce Centre ICC which is the last building on the road - THE TALLEST ONE!  The hotel is actually perched on the top of the ICC on floors 102 to 118 and afternoon tea involves a lift ride with only stop from zero to floor 103 (it took ages and my ears popped) then a short escalator down one floor to The Lounge.

It is beautifully decorated with amazing views - obviously.  The tea involves everything you'd expect - three tiered plate full of goodies and copious amounts of tea from a wide choice.

For an extra thrill you can go even higher to the bar on floor 118 Ozone which even has a partly open area and yesterday there was quite a chilly breeze blowing around there.  I thought I was being quite brave getting close to the edge and looking down.  Gulp!

 
Afternoon Tea at the Ritz Carlton, Hong Kong 

The closest building on the right is the IFC, Hong Kong Side, across the harbour is the ICC - can you see me waving?

 

Circuit Training - Sai Kung Tang Shiu Kin Sports Ground

Teacher's Race!

Sai Kung is a marvelous place to live.  I know I am in danger of become a Sai Kung bore but I believe it to be true.  Once you live in Sai Kung you'll never have to go anywhere else.  There is no need for fancy, expensive gym membership because there is - wait for it - the 'outside' for running in.  No need for running machines installed infront of televisions to slowly stagnate the brain because it is possible to step outside your door and just start your exercise.

OUTDOOR TRAINING

As well as the countryside there is also the excellent public facility right in the centre of the town, Sai Kung Tang Shiu Kin Sports Ground.  The track has people running all the time.  Some are potential Olympians and some are grannies flip flopping their way around, beware of them - they may overtake you. 

[email protected]  Nina Blacklock

As an added extra bonus there is the lovely Nina Blacklock who offers outdoor circuit training sessions at the ground, Monday to Thursday every week and I strongly recommend them.

DO YOU WANT  CHALLENGE?

There are beginners and general sessions in the evenings which involve getting your heart thumping out of your chest and a copious amounts of sweat gushing from your skin.  There is a mixture of women and men and ability.  Be warned, Nina will challenge you! 

A typical class will start off with a run around the track.  Yes you heard me, all the way round one time.  I have to admit to being stunned at being asked to do such a thing the first time and really thought I would never make it. But, at my own pace I did it.

WHAT TO EXPECT

She will follow this by stretching and balance warm ups and then the fun starts.  Making good use of the sports ground we will be given exercises to do which target various parts of the body.  There will be lunges and squats, press ups, triceps dips, sprints, planks - pant pant pant - may be a rest if you're good, but no slacking at this point because you'll probably have to do it all again, then core then may be another run around the track and of course the stretch and cool down to finish.

By that time an hour will have disappeared and we'll all be begging for mercy...not really (well a bit) But it is worth it for the fantastic buzz of endorphins and with any luck those stubborn fat stores will be left at the track instead of hanging around my middle.

CONTACT NINA

If you are interested you can contact Nina Blacklock on her email for more details of times. [email protected]

The photo is me running at my school's sports day in the dreaded teachers race - something I never would have attempted before Nina's Outdoor Sessions.   Whether this is a good or a bad thing?  The jury is still out on that one.