Lesley in Hong Kong

Le Crazy Horse Paris - Lyric Theatre, Hong Kong

Sexy Army   You Tube clip (take a peek!)

 

It was with immense anticipation that I took my seat in the Lyric Theatre, Wan Chai, Hong Kong on the evening of 19th September.  I bought the tickets feeling quite flushed with excitement at the very thought of watching a burlesque show.  Or was it that the high ticket price made my heart race?  I mean, what would my mother think?  It was billed as being an erotic performance for over 18s only.  

 

Please take some time to watch the You Tube clip which is the opening act of the show - Sexy Army.

 

Did you watch it?  What did you think?  My first thought was "Small tits"  then after a minute and a half of nothing much happening I thought "Yeh so, when does the erotic dancing start?"

The female form is a wonderful thing.  I appreciate the curves and their beauty.  Crazy Horse has been running for 60 years in a darkened intimate club where the audience is at close proximity to the nakedness and wine, possibly, is being consumed.  I can see that the term erotic is appropriate in such a context.  But in the soulless space of the A.P.A. and the comatosed audience that is the norm rather than the exception in Hong Kong on a Thursday night - frankly it was dull dull dull.

Oh yeh - apart from the bit when the super bendy flexible hip hop male dancer, fully dressed, wowed us with his moves.  That was great.

After the first couple of routines I looked at my friend and she looked back.  We shrugged with puzzled expressions.  We were still hopeful that it would get better, that it would actually become exciting.  The two elderly ladies with their tight grey curly perms in front of us were certainly well equipped with their binoculars - but I suspect they were as disappointed as we were.  It didn't get any better.  

We - meaning us - meaning the 21st Century - are used to sexy dancing.  We see it on MTV every day.  Beyonce and Britney have been doing it for years and doing it to a much higher standard.  Plus they can sing. A few girls with their tits and arses out - moving quite slowly, lacking excitement or originality just didn't cut it.  

 

Mad Men

The American Man

I've come late to this series but in a way I like that.  It means that I am never left wanting.  There is no end-of-episode tension or end-of-season bereft feeling when I am waiting for the next installment.  There are a whole six seasons just sitting there waiting for me to enjoy as and when it suits me.  The whole series is at my beck and call.  I can view them at any time or any place.  Mad Men is a whore for me.

Over the past few weeks I have become intensely interested in those New York accents.  I just love those dastardly characters with their side partened brylcreamed hair and suits.  I am strangely attracted to the smoking and drinking funk that must emanate through their clothes, their breath and every piece of paper they handle.

The Playtex Pitch

The silhouettes of the secretaries are so carefully and skillfully shot so as to frame the outline of each playtex clad breast and most likely 24 hour pantie girdle Playtext 60's ad keeping everything just so pert and firm.  Christina Hendricks is a siren in red and I think I want to be her.

Joan on the sofa

Joan at her best. She is a present.  You Tube clip - Christmas Party

I am fascinated by the sets.  The attention to detail is tremendous.  Every item is so well placed from the desks in the office to the fridge in the Draper's home to the art on the walls and the style of glass used to neck back yet another whiskey before lunch.

Drinking at lunch time, drinking at any time you care to mention, followed by a fag (a cigarette for our American friends) and then the whole routine repeats.  It's an unsustainable work ethic that I crave to be part of if only for the dresses.  I would be a secretary as I'm a girl and that's what girls do - happy, actually grateful, just to sit outside Don Draper's (who is unfeasibly handsome) office waiting for a task "Yes Mr Draper" I'd say- whereupon I would spring into action ordering flowers for his latest woman, lying over the phone to his latest woman or actually lying on the sofa in his office being his latest woman.  Oh yes I would!  And then I'd be promoted to be Roger Stirling's secretary

Yes Mr Stirling?

Its the Americaness of the whole concept that really appeals to me.  More specifically the New Yorkness of it.  Its a place I've never been but its calling me.  In the last year I have read the poetry and discovered Langston Hughes, I've experienced Jack Kerouac's journey into New York, I've researched the documentation of graffiti art on New York subway trains by New York photographers and I've even watched Metropolis which is based on a futuristic New York. 

Poster for Metropolis

 I need to go there.

America's Next Top Model - the wrong message

Tyra Banks, with her gang of bullies and misogynists,  orchestrate misery and unhappiness for the benefit of their viewing figures week by week.  Through cleverly manipulating young women into believing that it is mandatory to carry out tasks that are painful or frightening means that they have what it takes to be a top model.  According to the America's Next Top Model mantra - suffering is what it takes.

Photoshoot Hissy Fit

By pressurizing the contestants into attending photo shoots where at least one girl from the group is extremely uncomfortable, afraid or just looks plain stupid means that at least two of them will have a hysterical moment and cry, thus making her mascara run down her doll-like make-up clad face.

Save it for later

The incident will later be referred to while the review of the days shooting takes place.  Whatever the circumstances it is ALWAYS the constestants fault.  She is always made to feel like she was 100% in the wrong and was completely out of order to complain about the situation on the day.  There is never any question that, in fact, the girl was being badly treated or being asked to do something against her better judgement or beliefs. 

It appears that to work in the model industry and be successful you have to do exactly what you told and never object or open her mouth to express her opinion in any way. 

The wrong message

This is my objection to the message of the programme.   It is the wrong message.  If the contestants, or in fact, any woman, is in a situation where it is her body that is her assest then surely it is her who should be solely in charge of what she feels comfortable doing with it.

If she is asked to dangle from a hideously high building or snuggle up next to a farm animal and she doesn't like that then she needs to speak up and say 'No'.  It is indicative of the modelling industry to portray sickly looking emaciated girls as being beautiful and so this look has become something hundreds of women have begun to believe is the desired and most attractive way to be.  Again a wrong message.

Say NO!

It is doubly wrong to portray the models being bossed around in circumstances where they have no control over what they can or cannot do during their or photo sessions with so called professional people. 

Is it pimping?

The girls should be empowered into believing that if they do not feel comfortable in a situation then they need not go through it, they can and should say no.  Without this power is is merely exploitation, nothing more than pimping.

Digital Methods

 

While the photo shoot is in full swing the photographer, who is operating  expenisve and highly technological equipment, can see the results on a monitor.  By the power of digital photography the image can be viewed instantly.  There is no dark room hit-or-miss developing to take place, no opening the back of the camera by mistake and letting light in or forgetting to put a film in the camera - those days are gone.  A simple memory stick and a computer ensures the result is on view.

Too what?

Then how on earth can Tyra and her mean gang have each girl stand, exposed and vulnerable, in front of the panel to be shown their 'best' photo and it be the responsibility of the model whether it is an acceptable photograph for the purposes of fashion magazines - or the other one - whether it is horrible.   So often the girls are personally critisized for a bad photograph "Your neck looks too short"  "Your leg looks odd"  "Your arm is droopy" .  Well why did'nt the photographer with the plethora of fancy equipment tell her that at the time.  He is the one who is looking down the lens and he is the one who is looking at the monitor at the instant result.  Could he not ask her to move her neck, leg or arm at the time instead of saving up the faulty work to use it for humiliation and belittlement later on?

So America's Next Top Exploited Young Girl get a grip of yourself and don't let Tyra and her gang push you around - speak up for yourself and say no especially if they suggest dying your hair white blonde when you are naturally a brunette or having your head shaved when you've spent years growing your hair.

I am a fan of Speedos

 

I'm Sexy and I know it

I will say it again.  I am a fan of Speedos.  I said it in an earlier blog Speedos My confession

and I think this video truly confirms why I am right!

 

 

 

 

 

Nipple Covers

BEST KNICKERS

Marks and Spencer's is a very reliable and homey shop.  You just know where you are with M&S.  Their products are renowned for lasting many washes, especially their under garments.  You can't beat a pair of M&S knickers.

A NEW PRODUCT?

When I was browsing the under garment section I discovered a new product.  Something I had never seen before.  In a small plastic pouch was 'nipple covers'. I was intrigued by  this item.  It was not possible to open the package in the shop so truly believing all M&S goods to be of a high standard I made a purchase.

THE COLD AND NIPPLES

For those of you mystified as to why a girl should require nipple covers I will attempt to throw light on the matter.  You see, when its a bit cold, and your top is a bit on the flimsy side, nipples tend to pop out for the world to see.  Living in air conditioned Hong Kong this happens a lot.  You step inside after being out in a hot and humid 30+ degrees and out they pop.

I thought that using this new fangled item would be the answer to this little problem.

TEST RUN

The next morning I decided to try them.  I opened the packet to find they were made from a thin 'band aid' type material in the shape of large daisies.  The center of the daisy was a slightly padded circle.  It was early, it was dark in my bedroom, I wasn't properly awake to read the 'How to Apply' section on the back of the packet and besides I couldn't find my glasses.

It seemed straight forward.  I peeled off the backing paper and stuck them over my nipples. Easy.

I got dressed, went to work.  Never gave them a second thought.  I wasn't aware of people pointing at me on the air conditioned bus saying "Waa look at her nipples sticking out" so I presumed they were working.

THE REMOVAL -PANIC

When I got home after a hards days toil the first thing I did was strip off and get in the shower.  Upon the removal of my clothes I remembered the hastily applied nippled covers as I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror.  "Best take them off now" I thought to myself.

Easier said than done.  The very thin sticky cover was almost impossible to get hold of.  I have nails but I couldn't just get one under the edge of the nipple covers to remove them.  I showered.  Tried again.  No better.  I showered again and used lots more shower gel to soften the fabric (steady on now!).  Still couldn't get hold of the edge to pull them off.  They were well and truly attached to my breasts and did not want to come off.

I found my glasses and the discarded packet and read the instructions.  This was not enlightening at all.  It just said stick them over nipples, peel them off when you are finished.  No clues, no hints.

STILL NOT REMOVED - GULP

About half an hour had gone by since I got home and I was still naked in the bathroom attempting to remove the offending articles.  Eventually I managed to get my thumb nail under the edge of the left one and began to peel it off.  Oh my God!  The pain was excruciating.  There was no way I could just rip it off quickly.  I had to slowly, slowly, millimeter by millimeter pull it off and try not to pass out with pain.

OH THE PAIN

I have had two children, I have ran a marathon.  I know pain.  But this?  It was really making me feel nauseous.  I came out in a hot and cold sweat and began to shiver.  Perhaps I was in shock?  I am guessing that the process took about 10 minutes and it was such a relief to remove the torturous devil item from my delicate anatomy.  But wait, horror of horrors - there was still the other one to remove.

I was almost crying at the thought.  I had a lie down to physiologically build myself up to the removal of the second nipple cover. 

It was the same horrible experience.  Sweating, shaking and on the brink of tears.

DON'T DO IT!

Gentle readers - do not ever buy these items.  They should have a health warning written on the packaging.  I definitely do not recommend them.  Don't be fooled by the steady and reliable Marks and Spencer's brand.  Give them a wide berth.

Superfluous Hair

I have a question for the world.

Bobby          Murkin                 Brazilan in action

Why is it acceptable to have hair on some parts of the body but totally and utterly unacceptable for it to sprout on other parts?

Let me be more specific.  Why is it that I, as a woman, cannot have under arm hair whereas men can?  Or that I cannot have hair sprouting from the edges of my bikini bottoms or anywhere on my legs whereas men can have great forests of it poking out from every seam but remove it from their chins?

Last week I had my legs waxed for the first time ever in my 39 years.  It was OK, I didn't even swear or cry.  But it got me thinking.  Why am I putting myself through this pain?  Hair grows on my legs, why not just leave it?

Chinese men cultivate long hair from facial moles but have little hair on their legs. It's true.  After extensive research over the summer - which means I looked at loads of Chinese men's legs while on the MTR, I have categorically concluded that Chinese men do not have leg hair.  And also, why is it that female leg hair is a complete no no while men, but not Chinese men, can have tons of it and wear shorts?   The mole hair is lucky but other facial hair is removed as part of the morning routine (apart from men with beards obviously, but that is just wrong).

It seems a strange situation to me.  Some people have hair where they don't want it and don't have hair where they do want it.  Hair is so confusing don't you think?  Balding men are targeted by loads of hair restoring adverts claiming to successfully grow hair on heads yet they religously remove the hair from their chins.  Hairy legged and hairy lipped women are targeted by loads of adverts claiming to remove the unwanted growth with cream, razors, threading, sugaring, lasers, plucking or waxing, the choice is extensive.  Then there are the products to remove the underarm hair or public hair.  The pubic hair removal seems to be the most creative of all.  The choice of shape is incredible.  Landing strip, heart shape and the dreaded yet extremeley interesting Brazilian.  Its all about removal, but the hair on our heads is precious and must be preserved at all costs.

But why do we have to pretend we have no hair on our female bodies apart from our heads?  Why do we continue battling against it when it will always grow back?  Why do some bald men try to hide their hair transplants or wigs and strive to regrow hair on their shiny pates?   Or even worse tend to their comb-overs when we can all plainly see that they have no hair on top.  Do they think a thin strip of greased down hair is really disguising the baldness? Why do women rush for the razor when there is occasion to wear a swimming costume?  As if the world is unaware that they have hair on their pubes.  Everyone knows that, stop fooling yourself!

So I put it to you all.  Let's stop removing hair and lets stop adding hair where it has already fallen out.  Life will be much simpler when we can all let our gardens grow full and bushy.