Lesley in Hong Kong

One Man, Two Guvnors 41st Hong Kong Arts Festival 2013

If you didn't get your act together and booked your ticket for this wonderful event, which is part of the 2013 Arts Festival, way back in October, then you've probably missed your window of opportunity to see it in Hong Kong.  So you're going to be feeling totally frustrated and generally pissed off once you read my blog telling you how bloody marvelous it is.

It is bloody marvelous!

One Man, Two Guvnors is a brilliant play encompassing the basic elements of a British farce with very satisfying door swinging, mistaken identity and trousers down moments linked with Commedia dell'Arte  and based on Goldoni's The Servant of Two Masters.  So if you don't know (I didn't) have a quick read on Wikipedia and learn.

Set in Brighton (which is interesting) 1963 our protagonist, Francis Henshall, a most cheeky chappy who is on stage for 99% of the time and holds the whole play together, while interacting with the audience as well as making us all believe and care about his character, even when he appears to go out of character - keep your wits about you - which was all part of the suspension of disbelief and I was suspended and believed hook line and sinker.

I loved the baddie, the cad the cavalier Stanley Stubbers, even though I wasn't supposed to,  but his line 'Smells worse than a doctor's finger' was, for me, one of the funniest of the night. 

I particularly loved the set which was large painted sections of movable walls with a nod to the era using 1960's colour and design (which means clashing, bordering on bad taste kitsch)  while at the same time tricked the eye resulting in a feel of the whole stage being much taller and deeper than it really is. 

I have to mention the band.  So refreshing in Hong Kong to have musicians on view and also looking cool.  As a special treat the boys in the band, think Buddy Holly/Beatles lookalike and soundalike, come up on stage at the beginning and during set changes to entertain.  Dressed in matching suits and skinny black ties, thier slicked backed quiffs and large horn rimmed glasses add to the 60's mood and I loved the metal vintage microphones.

I had a wonderful evening of entertainment in Wan Chai's Lyric Theatre and it was very convenient to partake in a little beverage or two in one of the many fine establishments after the play was over.  Hey hey!

You can get all sorts in Wan Chai

And Marks and Spencer's Food provides a very useful service.

Peripheral Vision

I am truly aware that the subject of walking along the pavement does not, on the face of it, seem like a subject to spark much interesting conversation. And for those of you who absolutely and completely disagree with the above and before you start yelling at your screen.

 

I feel your pain.

 

I am truly aware that walking along the pavement in Hong Kong has been covered and at the risk of seeming hyperbolic - seven million times before! It even has a name 'Asian drift'

 

Moreover (*see below) I am truly aware that people, and by that I mean people who are my friends or could be a potential friend) understand, appreciate and embrace the unwritten rules of pavement etiquette. The subtext meaning, and I feel it necessary to be completely transparent here, because if you don't understand pavement etiquette you may not get that you are not and never will be my friend if you don't practice pavement etiquette.  I have standards. 

In an all embracing positive educational lesson in personal growth the following is the previously unwritten, unspoken pavement etiquette for those of you who need it spelling out.

Pace

Keeping a pace or speed that enables the rest of humanity on the pavement  to smoothly convey themselves from lets say, their home to their work place, and not make them explode out of frustration due to the snail pace adopted by many pavement etiquette challenged people is the number one essential skill.   Walking faster than a depressed sloth is unacceptable.  Speed up!

One foot in front of the other

Getting from point a) to point b) can be much more efficient if each footfall is approximately the size of two of your own feet, one in front of the f***ing other.   This is simply achieved by picking up each foot and moving it swiftly forward.  It is essential to miss out dragging the heel of the shoe, sandal or flip flop along the pavement in a sluvenly manner.  I may need to point out that once the first foot has made it the second one should follow for the sake of succinct progress.

Stelthness

I am not suggesting you adopt a cat burglar style of walking simply a quieter one.  Pay attention to any noise you tend to make whilst in the act of walking.  If you can hear a rhythmic shushing noise which stops when you stop walking, that's you.  If you are unaware of how the noise occurs try picking your feet up as you walk and resist the temptation to drag making an annoying shushing.  I am also  aware of podiatrist advice that flip flops are really bad for your feet and also posture and cause long term spine damage, so get some shoes that stay on your feet and allow you to run for a bus if you need to.

Straight Line

In these days of smart phones there is the fairly new phenomenon of texting/viewing/sexting/lisening/adding/capturing while walking.  But, dear reader, the phenomena of drifting off the unmarked walking in a straight line - line is not new.  It is common and has been common for years and years that in Hong Kong pedestrians are given to literally wandering along pavements in a meandering fashion.  The indecisiveness of  the drifitng walk is frustrating given that pavements here are busy, in fact chockablock full of folk, all meandering along causing difficult access for others who simply want to overtake.  Without actual lines drawn on the pavement (and that is another idea hatching) the drifters are simply unable to sense another pedestrian in their peripheral vision resulting in a person (me for instance) in several failed attempts to get past. 

I try approaching from the left and just as I am in danger of getting my foot entangled with theirs they veer off to the left so I have to slow down and hang back in their slip stream while I change tactics and try the maneuver from the right.  Then there may be a possible elbow touching or shoulder bag blockage once again forcing me back into their slip stream and once again, getting frustrated now, having to walk behind a slow paced, flip flop dragging pavement etiquette challenged individual who has no peripheral vision capability.

My advice for those of you who do not realize when other people are overtaking you is to turn you head to the right or left occasionally and look.

Groups

Now to tackle the group walking along the pavement which is difficult enough to negotiate when in the group.  But to be forced into an encounter with a group and by that I mean three or more, is incredibly frustrating.  A group becomes an impenetrable mass impossible to overtake and who so often adopt a sloth paced shuffle blocking access to shop door ways or various differing turn off points along the pavement.  Should an innocent solo pavement user, like myself, decide that she wants to break away from her straight line, fairly fast paced, stealth-like walk and enter a shop,  then a group is present on  said pavement, it is near impossible to make them aware of the necessary change of direction she wants to take. 

The present situation means that a shoulder tackle of some force has to be used in order to get through the group who are heading straight (ish).  Unbelievably at these times when barging and pushing has been absolutely necessary, the members of the group adopt a hurt and shocked attitude as if they are completely unaware of the blockage they are causing.  In fact I believe they believe they are the only people on the pavement or actually in the world because their empathy with other pavement users is zilch. 

My advice to group pavement walkers is to adopt some semblance of good manners and try standing to one side while gesturing with one hand a clear and unobstructed path for any other solo pavement user to pass in front.  You could make this experience a little more enjoyable for all concerned if you said "After you" or similar, at this point. 

Couples

Walking down a crowded street holding hands is particularly annoying and blocks the steady flow of other pavement users.  Stop it!

Door Holding

Holding a door for anyone is an alien concept in these parts.  There are two ways to improve this situation.  If you go through a door first and someone is directly behind you it is good manners to hold the door for then as opposed to letting it go and risk it slamming in their face.  If you approach a door and there is a woman with a baby in a pushchair behind you, open the door wide for her and let her go first.  This goes for disabled people or injured people and is not grounds for a medal just expected behaviour in the civilized world.  Do it!

* moreover is a word that needs to be eliminated from Hong Kong.

See me - that is my teacher voice - all who continue - for detention and possible spanking.

Guilin, Yangshuo – Overnight Train from Shenzhen

A recent weekend break to China on an aeroplane actually involved sitting on the tarmac at Hong Kong International Airport for hours and hours, getting to the hotel way after midnight, feeling jaded and then experiencing the same frustrating delay on the return journey.  The result meant that instead of feeling invigorated and refreshed after my mini break I felt like I needed a week off work to recover from the ordeal. 

 So, in July I tried an alternative mode of transport into China and booked return tickets on the overnight sleeper train from Shenzhen to Guilin.  Tickets can be booked in advance from a small office in Hung Hom Station, TST.  They will charge an extra $100 commission for their service and be prepared to pay cash.  Even though they have a computer, once they’ve finished their noodles, their admin process involves hand writing receipts and keeping cash in a drawer under the desk.  There is a choice of hard seat, bottom hard sleeper and bottom soft sleeper and the price varies according to the comfort you desire.  I went for the soft sleeper which is approximately HK$500 one-way.  The journey takes around 13 hours leaving at 17.50 from Shenzhen each day. 

 As I had a China visa already I took the KCR to Lo Wu, passed through immigration into Shenzhen and walked to the Railway Station following signs for ‘long distance trains’.   

 

The waiting area bustled with travellers and once the call went out to board the train we were all duly and efficiently in our designated carriage to leave on time.  The soft sleeper is the first class area of the train and is a 4-berth compartment with clean sheets, a pillow and a duvet.  There was a chaotic buffet car which I declined to make use of.

 I was pleasantly surprised as the train pulled smoothly out of the station and after a picnic and a drop of wine, which I had cunningly prepared earlier, I simply made myself comfortable, stretching out on the soft (ish) sleeper, read my book, chatted to the nice polite Dutch couple in the same compartment, before sleeping for most of the night.  Certainly better than sitting up in economy class all night.  No one came to ask me if I wanted the chicken or the fish, no one made me put my seat belt on and I wasn’t squashed against another human wrestling for elbow space.  The toilets were better than anticipated and were even functioning and clean the next morning as we trundled into Guilin Station. 

 

Once off the train we found a local mini bus and headed for the small town of Yangshuo which is 90 minutes from Guilin.   The gorgeous limestone karst pinnacles are located right in the town of Yangshuo and surround it.  The countryside is stunning and away from the main road is quiet and peaceful.   It is possible to book a variety of tours from a variety of travel agents around the town and it’s also easy to hire a bicycle and explore without any prior, and more expensive, arrangement.   There are also options of rock climbing and kayaking for the more adventurous.

 

As it was very hot, early morning starts seemed to be the best bet to beat the crowds. We hired a couple of bikes and took them on a bamboo raft down the Li Jiang to the small village of Fuli, then to the village of Liu Gong Gu Pu where we left the raft and began a flat, easy ride back to the main town, keeping by the river, but not before sampling the freshly ground coffee at a small café offered to us by a charming waitress and her children.  We just couldn’t refuse.

 

 

 

The town of Yangshuo has a plethora of small craft shops selling any amount of trinkets and slightly quirky items to adorn yourself and your home.  There are tons of places to eat and as well as traditional Chinese food there is also a few places offering food from Italy and the USA, I’ll leave it you to guess the menu.

 

The return train left Guilin Railway Station at 21.40 so we ate a hearty meal before boarding and once back in Shenzhen at 10.30am we were ready for breakfast.    Not as luxurious or as expensive as flying first class but the benefits are equal.  All in all it was a refreshing and invigorating trip made easier by being able to sleep during the journey.  Recommended.

Corrupt Leaders of the world, and C.Y. Leung.

The new Chief Executive of Hong Kong, C.Y. Leung, is under scrutiny by the Hong Kong media.  They are like a dog with a bone constantly referring to his questionable integrity and honesty. 

So let's just have a look at how bad other world leaders have been and then let's compare C.Y. Leung's alledged 'illegal activity'

 Ferdinand Marcos - President of the Philippines from 1972 to 1986 embezzled $10 billion dollars for his own personal use and a few pairs of shoes for his lovely wife.

Slobodan Milosevic  - President of Yugoslavia/Serbia from 1989 to 2000 embezzled $1 billion and found guilty of crimes against humanity involving torture, murder and medieval savagery against his people.

Jean-Claude Duvalier (Baby Doc) - President of Haiti from 1971 to 1986 embezzled $800 billion, violated human rights related to disappearances and abuse of his people.

Richard Nixon - President of USA from 1969 to 1974 forced to resign from office after Watergate scandal revealed his involvement in a cover-up which he had initially vehemently denied.

Bill Clinton - President of USA from 1993 to 2001 world wide humiliation for himself, his lover and his family as a consequence of sexual improprieties in the White House Office involving a cigar and Monica Lewinsky.  The world's conservative media had a field day in lambasting him once he stopped denying it and said "Yeh I did it!"  Doh!

Now here is the shocking heinous crime of Hong Kong Chief Executive C.Y. Leung ...

Having an office fitted with some extra partitions and, brace yourself, having an extension built on his luxury home. Illegal Structures - Lesley's blog

I know that your world is rocked by this horrible and vicious act committed by Mr Leung and I genuinely hope you are not traumatised by my revealing the extent of his corruption. 

Just stop focusing on this pathetic accusation, no one cares.

IKEA, MegaBox, Kowloon Bay, Hong Kong - a day out.

Going to IKEA can be fraught with difficulties.  Getting around the designated pathway takes an age, getting around other customers who don't appear to be there to actually buy something, merely to stroll around at a snail's pace for a leisurely day out, similar to a walk around the park but indoors.

Today I took photographs of the various showrooms at the MegaBox IKEA of people taking advantages of the furniture to have a little rest, a sit down and even using the desk to do a bit of homework.

                                           Homework space

 

                                            Texting in the lounge room

 

                                             Snoozing not even pretending to buy the chair

                                            More texting opportunities

                                            What's on telly?

                                            Girlfriend on the high stool, boyfriend on the sofa - just flirting.

Wilson Trail Section 4 Ho Chung Road to Fei Ngo Shan

It has been hot, hot enough for the  HK Observatory to put out a Hot Weather Warning,  which means stay at home, be fanned continuously while sucking on ice cubes.   But after a stormy and thundery night things cooled slightly and the clouds made us believe that it would be alright to go for a hike...

Cooled slightly actually meant it was still bloody hot, mid 30Cs, but overcast so we set off from our front door in Ho Chung and headed up hill through the allotments to get onto the Wilson Trail Section 4. It is very well sign posted and had recently been cleared of over grown bush so we were on our way up up up.

I can't pretend it was easy.  It was an arduous trek and relentlessly steep.  The heat addled my brain so the idea I had, when feeling exhausted in a tempetuous childish way, about just sitting down and waiting for someone to carry me home seemed so sensible at the time.  I set myself up for disappointment as that was never going to happen.  The only way was up, I just had to keep going.

After about an hour of steps and more steps and after lots of rests for water and to get my puff back, oh and of course to appreciate the view of Sai Kung and the South China Sea, it was decided we were about... half way there.  Only half way?  My heart sank and my legs wobbled.

It started to get darker although it was the middle of the afternoon.  An ominous rain cloud positioned itself directly overhead and then dumped its stair rods of cold water.  I've never appreciated rain so much.  I was soaked through to the skin, but it cooled me down and revived me enough to continue up the steep steep slope.  (I only cried a bit)

This was just part of section 4 of the Wilson Trail, we stopped when we got to the viewing point at Fei Ngo Shan where we could see Kowloon and over to the Island.  Even in our wet t-shirt competition state a taxi driver agreed to let us in his cab, I almost tipped him!

The fancy app on the iphone told us that we had walked for a paultry 1 hour 40 minutes and a distance of 4K.

Quite honestly I could have stamped on the iphone for telling me this because it sounds like chicken feed, 4K is not very far, 1 hour 40 minutes is hardly a challenging hike in the scope of hikes I have completed,  but it was up hill the whole way.  Have I stressed just how steep it was?  Do you appreciate that it was up hill ALL the way?  Do you understanding that I hated every step?  

I did it, I achieved it but I am filled with negativity about the experience and doubt I will repeat it.  Just for the record my achilles are still throbbing two days later.

 

Ode to the Transport Department - part 2

I've warned you!

Do you remember the thrill of receiving actual post.  Paper letters that dropped through the letter box, landing on the hall floor tiles, looking enticing.  What could it be?  A love letter from a distant boyfriend?  A cheque from a recently deceased uncle's estate?  A long newsie letter from a friend you haven't seen in ages?

How it used to be done

These days correspondence, meaning paper letters, are few and far between.  Email is the favoured mode of communication, even utilitiy bills and bank statements are online with a cocophany of security devices of such a high level that even Tom Cruise couldn't work out your user ID or password never mind operate the card scanning machine combined with a secure password generator to check if that air miles coupon has been received yet.

But today I got a letter.

The outside of the envelope revealed that it was On Government Service and from the Transport Department and as you know, gentle reader, I now have a deep and inimate relationship with them due to the high volume of correspondence that has been exchanged between us over the last two weeks.

Feeling nervous, a slightly raised heart rate and bit of a sweat, I tore open the white official envelope in the giddy anticipation of receiving confirmation that they now have my new address and all is well with the world.

Gutted!

They have returned to me, at my new address (this is the operative phrase here) {to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas} my used envelope with stamp, my original letter informing them of the change of address, their letter to me asking for proof of address, a photocopy of 2 utility bills showing the new address, their letter to me saying they cannot accept the new address because I did not send a photocopy of my ID card, a photocopy of my ID Card and photocopy driving licence just to be on the safe side, and now their new letter to me, at my NEW ADDRESS with the option of 'Other' ticked and then hand written on the line.

'The new address is different with the address proof'

meaning that although they have now returned my documents and their documents to me three times to MY NEW ADDRESS and I have replied plus they have phoned me and spoken to me about this matter, they are unable to process the 'application' at the moment.

This is because the way the telephone company has written my new address on their letter to me is slightly different to the way I wrote my new address on my letter to the Transport Department and now they are confused. 

I have now tried their online service where 'Change of Address' is an option.  I clicked on a few 'Agree to Terms and Conditions' boxes and then waited.  Nothing happened for a good 3 minutes and it warned me that the process could take 5 to 10 minues.  After a while up popped an error message telling my system did not support their requirements to complete this Change of Address online process.

I am casting my eyes upwards to a higher being for help now.

If I was Basil Faulty I would lash the whole of the Transport Department with a tree branch.

If I was Mr Angry from Purley I would throw the phone down.

 

 

Letter to the Transport Department HK - an ode.

Dear Transport Department,

The continuing saga of my change of address

When I wrote you a letter informing you of my change of address you kindly replied immediately to my new address returning to me my used envelope and stamp, my original letter plus a pre printed letter from you asking me to provide proof of my new address by sending you copies of a recent utility bill so that you could confirm I had, in fact, changed my address.

I obliged immediately and copied a recent phone bill which I put in a new envelope and addressed to you, put my first letter in the new envelope together with your letter asking for a photocopy of said bill, the photocopy bill and then posted it to you.

Upon receipt of the letter, your letter and the requested photocopy bill showing my new address, you very kindly phoned me to tell me that I had failed to include a photocopy of my HK ID Card so could I either fax a photocopy of the HK ID card to you (because you can't receive emails) or go to the Transport Department and produce the HK ID Card so that you could verify that I am the person I say I am and that I have in fact changed my address.

After a little bit of negotiation we decided between us that I would post a photocopy of my HK ID Card to you so you informed me that you would post the original letter I sent to you informing you of my change of address, the letter you sent to me at my new address asking for the copy utility bill plus another letter asking me to send a photocopy of my HK ID Card to you so that you could verfy my new address.

I received in the post this very morning a fairly bulky letter from you, at my new address, returning my original letter, you letter to me asking for a utility bill, my photocopy of a utility bill, your letter to me asking for a copy HK ID plus my used envelope with attached used stamp duly stapled to the whole pile of papers.

I have today sent you a (to the tune of '12 days of Christmas' now)  copy of my HK ID Card, your letter asking me to send my HK ID Card, my copy of my utility bill addressed to me at my new address, your letter to me at my new address asking for a copy bill and my first letter to you informing you of my new address.

I am now wondering if the information I have sent you will surfice or will you need a photocopy of my arse before you are satisfied.

Regards

Lesley in Hong Kong

 

Hidden Extras - Hong Kong Property 'haunted house'

25 Cromwell Street, Gloucester  - demolished

Seriel Killer's Homes are not desirable

If there is, say, a man arrested and subsequently charged with murdering at least 11 women over a number of years we are able to read about such a heinous crime in the newspapers.  As was the case of Fred West and his wife Rosemary.  Biography of West Their house, pictured above, was the scene of the murders and was demolished in an effort to rid the neighbourhood of the legacy of such an evil couple.  The not so publicised reason for the demolition was to prevent the property prices being negatively effected in the area.  I doubt that any estate agent's particulars would mention the fact that Cromwell Street was once the home of a serial killer?   That isn't what any one wants from a des res.

Independent 1995

Buying and Selling uk/hk

Having dipped my toe into the Hong Kong property market quite recently I am becoming familiar with the system of buying and selling compared with the system in the UK.  It is quite different, a little bit more scary - no actually much more scary. 

Exchange of Contracts

In the UK a house can be on the market with an agent and if someone wants to put an offer in then the vendor can accept that offer.  Both parties then approach their solicitor to begin the legal conveyancing process.  No one is actually legally obliged to complete the purchase ie. pay for it, until exchange of contracts takes place.  The exchange may not take place for months and so at any time either party can withdraw from the agreed sale or purchase.  This can be disappointing and frustrating but nothing can be done when this happens. 

In Hong Kong once an offer has been accepted the purchaser must immediately stump up a deposit of 5% of the agreed price and two weeks later another 5% must be paid when an official Assignment is signed with an agreed date for the completion to take place and also when the rest of the money is handed over.

If either party decides not to continue with the sale or the purchase the deposit is forfeited by the purchasers and they are legally bound to pay the double deposit to the vendor.  If the vendor decides not to sell they must return the deposit plus the same amount again to the potential purchaser as compensation for withdrawing from the agreement.   See - scary isn't it?

Valuation

Another aspect which is different, is the valuation of property.  In the UK an Estate Agent will come and have a look at your property, tape measure in hand, and will poke about in your roof space, garage and bathrooms tutting and humming as he values your pride and joy, your home sweet home, your castle.   Once a valuation price has been established it will go on the market for that price.  If someone then wants a mortgage to purchase the property a qualified representative of the bank or building society will call around with a bigger tape measure and do more tutting and perhaps humphing at damp proof courses and roof insulation thicknesses.  Only after that quite thorough inspection will you be offered money to make the purchase.

Virtual Valuation

In Hong Kong the valuation of a property is done either online or over the phone.  No one from the Estate Agency or the Bank will actually view the property or even care what state it is in but will come up with a price.  The valuations are done based on the square footage and sales of similar properties in the area.  Not really that skillful or accurate in my opinion.  So if you spend pots of cash on that lovely new bathroom with Italian fittings it means bugger all and will have little impact on the bank valuation. 

Death List

There is also one other issue I have just become aware of which does effect the valuation of property in Hong Kong and that is the 'haunted house', haunted meaning if any one has ever died in the property. 

Unlucky Number

As we all know the Chinese are very superstitious and any mention of the word death or dead or even just a word that sounds a bit like it ( the number 4 or 14 for instance) must never be uttered.  So there will be no house number 4 or 14 in a street, there will be no tower number 4 or 14 in a block of high rise buildings and no 4 or 14 apartment on floor 4 or 14.  

 

As well as that there is a published list of so called 'haunted houses' so that potential buyers can see if anyone ever died in the place they are considering buying.  If someone did die then it will mean the valuation is lower than the surrounding properties. 

Here is the link to the 'Haunted House' list Check this before making an offer

It is depressing reading and there are far too many 'jumpers' who committed suicide.  It is a fact that the preferred method of suicide in Hong Kong is either burning charcoal in an enclosed room so the fumes kill, or jumping from a high building and there are a lot of tall buildings in these parts.

Unlike the West's house, which has now disappeared from the street, it is not possible to demolish an apartment in a huge tower block so what happens to these 'haunted houses'?  Do people buy them at a lower prices and live happily ever after or do they avoid them and they remain empty for years...

 

 

Street Food Beijing Wangfujing Street

Scorpion on a stick!

                                                                                                  Chili Sparrows

 

More scorpions, star fish and sea horses - on a stick.  Are you getting the culinary theme now?

 

 

 

 

 

I had a trip to Beijing.  The food was terrific and so, as is the way in Asia I took photographs of the food and have posted them for your delight.  Some are on Facebook, obviously, because that is the sole reason for its existence.  ie  Go out to eat, take photos of your plate of food (even if it looks like dog vomit) and then post the image on Facebook to show everyone just what a good time you had.

The street market at Wangfujing Street had some delicious snacks (I could have put snakes there for a hilarious typo but it would have been true not a joke) which reminded me of the scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian "Rat on a stick" - I know you understand my inter-textual reference because you are clever.  The People's Front

I have to tell that I couldn't actually eat anything that looked like a bug or a small bird especially when some of them were still wriggling their poor little legs.  They were not dead just speared on a stick and waiting to be grilled. 

 

I did try the toffee coated strawberries though and can highly recommend them.

The Temperature in Hong Kong Cinemas is too cold

I have just returned from a visit to the cinema at Mega Box, Kowloon Bay.  I saw  Wrath of the Titans  in 3D and I could write at length about the irritation of wearing the silly glasses and constantly jumping in an alarmed way when rocks, spears and snot nosed monsters appeared to be landing on my lap.  I don't think 3D is the future although I certainly do enjoy the IMAX experience.  Can I have the IMAX experience without the silly glasses please?

More importantly it is the freezing temperature of the cinema that I need to complain about.  I have special cinema clothes which I wear for such an outing regardless of the weather outside.   Hong Kong cinemas are so uncomfortably freezing cold that previous miserable cold shivering experiences have taught me that I must don my North Face jacket, woolly hat with ear flaps and compulsory thermal underwear in order to get through a movie. 

I have tried complaining to the staff and asked them to turn down the air conditioning so that they save money and keep me warm.  I have been told I can hire a jacket for $100.  I protested and missed bits of the plot in my attempts to creep to the front to, yet again, plead with the staff to raise the temperature so it is not necessary for the audience to wear ski clothes so they can watch a movie in a comfortable environment.

This situation has being going on for far too long.

It is typical of Hong Kong to ignore such environmental factors.

Lady Gaga Hong Kong ticket sales unfair

I am not in with the in crowd.

I am not an American Express credit card holder.

I really thought that if the tickets to see Lady Gaga went on sale today then that is what it would mean.

I was SO wrong.

All sold out.

I really do think that if you camped out on the street to buy the tickets then you deserve one, but pre sales to American Express card holders....STINKS

Private Lives, McAulay Studio Theatre, Wanchai, Hong Kong

The comic masterpiece by Noel Coward The man

Private Lives

February 22nd-25th, 2012

McAulay Studio Theatre, Wanchai, Hong Kong  Website

Adam Harris, Director and Elyot Chase and much much more

Noel Coward (1899-1971) wrote Private Lives What Wikipedia says over the course of just four days while recovering from illness at the Peace Hotel in Shanghai. 

(Tenuous Hong Kong link)  He typed up his final manuscript while staying at the Peninsula Hotel in Kowloon. 

After a provincial tour the play had its London opening at the Phoenix Theatre on 24th September, 1930 with Coward himself as Elyot and Gertrude Lawrence as Amanda.  Victor was played by a very young Laurence Olivier.

In this satire the affectations and polite manners of the upper crust in the 1930s are exposed, and ultimately shattered, by giving the audience an intimate glimpse of life behind closed doors.  It shows that the human condition has no class boundaries so the horrors of domestic violence, drug and alcohol abuse and the inevitable breakdown of a relationship is just as pathetic for the upper classes as it is for the participants of a Jeremy Kyle talk show.  I am quite sure that the twists and turns of Elyot and Amanda's relationship have been used in every soap opera from Coronation Street to Dallas.

The farcical sequence of events the four main characters are subjected to are comedic, but just like a member of a Jeremy Kyle audience, squirmingly uncomfortable to witness.  Snorting cocaine, face slapping, drink slinging and bottle breaking are there to shock and seduce. 

The close proximity of the audience to the cast in the McAuley Studio creates an intimate feel.  To witness a drama performance  in this way makes the experience highly engaging.  Watching Elyot and Amanda being intimate on their sofa, as if at home, almost made me want to avert my eyes.  Were we eves-dropping, spying on them?  Were we supposed to be there so involved in the sexual tension?  Seeing them relaxing, guard down in night wear, a smidgen away from nakedness?

It was particularly enjoyable to see Adam Harris in his pyjamas and especially thrilling to see him with such a dapper, slicked-back,  hair cut.  He is captivating to watch and, when dressed,  his costume was elegant and stylish.   Surely the driving force in this production.

Who on earth dressed Amanda?  The opening scene featured a very flimsy black full length petticoat which was badly made and ill-fitting.  She left the scene to 'slip on a dress' and entered with an even worse cream shiny number, again flimsy, badly made and ill-fitting but this time the zip had broken.  I know it is easy to get things made in Hong Kong - so why not get something substantial that fits?  The awful dresses would probably not have been so noticeable if it hadn't been for the dreadful nylon wig which had a greeny, yellow tinge and in no way could have been mistaken for real hair - forget the wig go with your real hair!

The character of Sibyl was truly annoying. She was meant to be irritating, spoilt, immature and asian.  She succeeded.

Private Lives produced and directed by the irrepressible and dapper Adam Harris, the George Clooney of Hong Kong, was an excellent and brave production.  I highly recommend going to see future performances or productions where Adam is involved.

 

Coming soon Vincent, a one-man show about the artist Vincent van Gogh in May

 

 

 

Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander

 

 

I saw this and thought "It must mean me?"

Hooked by this title I read on...  to a point it is very true and full of witertaining observations from a white, western point of view although it is based on the assumption that all white people live in America and have an affinity to Canada so that part fell on stony ground for me, and to some extent also assumes a maleness and even possibly an under 40sness.  I'm just saying!

He has a website also full of wise words about 'stuff' Stuff White People Like and if you like that you might also like a quick surf at White Whine.com A Collection of First-World Problems  which puts 'stuff' into perspective for those rich spoilt brats out there.

Here is a snippet from SWPL

Outdoor Performance Clothes

As white people get older, they like to have clear boundaries between their professional and personal lives.   They don't mind talking about their personal life at work, but they hate talking about their work life when they are enjoying a weekend or vacation.  But with BlackBerry's and laptops, white people could be working anywhere, at any time.  So how do you know when they are off the clock?  It's easy;  just check their clothes.

When white people aren't working, they generally like to wear outdoor performance clothes.  The top suppliers of these garments and accessories include North Face, REI, Mountain Equipment Co-Op, Columbia Sportswear and Patagonia.  When you see white people wearing these brands, it is important that you do not discuss business matters.  Instead you should say things like 'Where did you get that fleece?" and "What's that thing holding your keys to your shorts?" White people will be more than happy to talk to you about their sustainably produced possessions.

The main reason white people like these clothes is that they allow them to believe that at any moment they could find themselves with a Thule rack on top of their car headed to a national park.  It could be 4:00pm on a Saturday when they might get the call. "Hey, man, you know what we need to do?  Kayak then camping, right now.  I'm on my way to get you.  There is no time to change clothes."

Though this is unlikely that they will ever receive this call, white people hate the idea of missing an opportunity to enjoy outdoor activities just because they weren't wearing the right clothes.

If you plan on spending part of your weekend with a white person, it is strongly recommended that you purchase a jacket or some sort of 'high-performance' T-shirt, which is like a regular shirt, just a lot more expensive.

Viz Educational Recruitment

Viz Adult Comic

 

I just had to share these spoof adverts from this months Viz.  I am thinking of applying!

 

Rutland Council Schools Service

WANTED

Large-Breasted Female English Teacher   24-30K

A busy boys-only secondary school in Oakham is seeking a new English teacher.  The appointee will have a good knowledge of 20th Century English Literature, familiarity with the requirements of the National Curriculum and a flimsy blouse, straining at the buttons.

Main duties will involve providing masturbatory inspiration for boys in Years 9, 10 and 11, as well as subject matter for crudely-drawn desk-lid graffiti.  An existing rumour about having posed for pornographic photographs on the internet would be an advantage but is not essential, as this will start following the first assembly the successful applicant attends.

For an application form contact Mr Geoff Plywood, Deputy Head, St. Oswalds High Street, Rutland

"Helping Pupils Maximise Achievement of their Individual Potential" 

Rutland Council Schools Service

or

 

Redditch County Council require a

Bitter, Jaded Geography Teacher

Grade 2  38-41K pa

Redditch County Council are seeking a tired, disenchanted professional to go through the motions of teaching geography A level at a comprehensive school in the borough.

We're looking for someone with a complete lack of drive and ambition to sit in front of a class, drinking coffee for up to 40 minutes at a time.  The successful candidate will have:-

• a farcial record of absenteeism
• given every piece of homework he has ever marked 7/10 without reading it
• absolutely no desire for promotion
• not changed his lesson plans for at least 15 years

In addition he will be cynically counting the days to the earliest opportunity he has to take early retirement on the grounds of ill health whilst retaining his full pension entitlement.

If this sounds like you, then reply enclosing the same CV you had in 1976 to Mrs Audrey Frodsham, ref. V654, Town Hall Reddith RE5

Reddich Schools, more than just schools...Redditch Schools!

New Passport British Consulate Hong Kong

 

Did you know that the procedure for applying for a British passport through the British Consulate in Hong Kong has changed?

It has.

the following is copied from the British Consulate Website

Changes to your application from 18 August

Please note the following changes that will affect your passport application. With effect from 18 August 2011, the Regional Passport Processing Centre in Hong Kong will process your passport. The passport will be printed in the United Kingdom. You will receive two packages, one containing the supporting documents you submitted, and the second package directly from the UK with your new passport.

 

Previously if you needed a new passport while living in Hong Kong you could go along to the Consulate, queue up to get through security, hand your phone in, then have your application processed in that office.   This has changed.  You can still submit your application to that office but it is sent to the UK, printed in the UK and sent back to you via DHL. 

This means it takes much longer than it used to so be aware - you need to give yourself at least four  weeks.  I suggest six to be on the safe side, plus you can apply for a passport nine months before it expires.

If you fail to do this and do need to travel and have no vailid passport then you can apply for an Emergency Travel Document (100 pounds) which you can only apply for the day before you travel.

How to apply from Hong Kong

All the information is on the website but I really thought I should make people aware of this change because you need to allow a lot more time since they changed the system in August 2011

How to get there

 

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• Our Consul-General
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Location and access

 

British Consulate-General, Hong Kong

---

The British Consulate-General is located at

1 Supreme Court Road,

opposite the Conrad International Hotel.

The closest MTR station is Admiralty. Use Exit C1 and take the escalator up into Queensway Shopping Centre and walk into Pacific Place. Take the escalators up towards Hong Kong Park. You will come out on Supreme Court Road. Turn left for the British Council and British Consulate-General.

Entrance to our consular, visa and passport services is located on Justice Drive.

There is no parking or waiting room for cars outside the Consulate building.

Mountain Bike Adventure - Lhasa to Kathmandu August 2011

 

 

Lhasa to Kathmandu by Fred Croft

Through Tibet on a bike - a journey not a destination by Fred Croft

 Last August HB embarked upon a most challenging cycle ride starting in Lhasa in Tibet and ending in Kathmandu in Nepal taking in some of the highest mountain passes in the world and also Everest Base Camp.  He covered a distance of 1100km in 18 days and came back 'lighter'.

 

Click on the link which will take you to www.blurb.com a self publishing website where you can preview the book and then place an order.  Its a beautiful coffee table hard back edition containing many breath-taking photographs capturing the experience.

 

A Poem

 

How HK Expat Zeitgeist are you?

 

Are you whole house, or top floor
Duplex living, out in DB or Midlevels, are you moving
near the tunnel, with your soft top
Is the school good, and the teachers
Do you zumba, or play netball
Is it Curves, when you've got time

Majong or to Shehnzen, with mainland and congestion

Are you android, or just wireless
on your iphone, makes you feel good
Are you connected, on Facebook, or Skyping
back to home town, do they know you?
in the real time, would you go home, if you knew where

 

Immigration, with the masses

Have your thumb print, and the forms filled

Is it legal can they do that – can you make me?

Are you public, red taxi on the metre

Get a good price, if you ask him

Did you say that?  Did you get there?

Were you on time, is it faster

Is it OK, to be scathing, international or the locals

 

Are you aware that you are living on the edge of a communist regime with a woeful human rights record and a demographic transition interconnected with commercialism on a global scale?

 

Do you have - an air purifier

And a maid from Manila

Is she on time,  keeps your house clean,  an accountant

Does she cook, for your husband can she massage

Pick out presents, for the play dates

Comes in handy for the handoffs

On Sundays, do you miss her

 

After Christmas, can you pay it

Does your bonus really cut it

Did you weekend in The Hyatt, was the buffet as expected

Fizzy white wine from New Zealand,

With the sushi and the chocolate, not from Hong Kong

Always imports, is it hep B you recover from

 

Local media, do you see it

Can you miss it,

RTHK in a time warp

The advice from Legco

Be happy and be nice, to your family and the dentist

Use a cliché if in doubt.

So I guess what I’m kinda asking
While I’m kinda multi tasking
Is how freakin Zeitgeist are you?

 

Self-Storage - why?

The Self-Storage - waste of space

 

I really want to share this story from the BBC on my favourite topic.  I used to be one of those people who paid money for years to keep stuff in storage and when I eventually got round to sorting it out 90% of it never made it back into the house and  was immediately put in a skip.

Don't make this mistake - if in doubt chuck it out should be your mantra.

 

The photograph is including because it's lovely.  Isle of Sky, dolphin.

New in Hong Kong part 2

 

There is so much ground to cover on the subject of being new in Hong Kong I feel it needs a second installment...

 

Learning Cantonese

In the beginning you will have positive intentions about learning the language.  You will imagine that it is possible to pick it up from other Hong Kong friends you meet.  You may even consider or even attend Cantonese lessons.  In about a year, or longer, you will feel confident to say the name of your street in Cantonese to a taxi driver and even though his reaction will undoubtedly be 'HA!" with a confused tone and you have to repeat it 27 times and have a conversation in English with his control room in English, you will have made progress because at least the words are being emitted from your mouth.  You will also be more confident to ask the taxi driver or minibus driver to stop in Cantonese.  Top tip on the bus 'Pass the Jam Old Boy' gets the mini bus to stop, try shouting it out from the back seat today and see what happens.  You are allowed to feel proud if it stops where you want.  

Even though some words people say to you are actually English they have a Cantonese twist which make them harder to understand.   Just because you start copying these words doesn't mean you can speak Cantonese although you will be understood.   For example  MTR low for MTR,  capak for car park, ecuse me for excuse me or the strange custom of saying Cheers when posing for a photograph when obviously the word is Cheese (what does it mean anyway?).

Public Transport

Hong Kong public transport system is the world's best, and I mean that most sincerely folks.    But to start with the names of the stations will be just noise and your journey will involve intense interest in the map with the little lights.  Your heart rate may increase as you near your station with the anticipation of what to do once you get to street level.   You will be one of those annoying people who dither and delay when scanning the magical Octopus card (have you got one yet!)  or, god forbid, at the bottom of escalators.  You may even be at risk of looking like a tourist - someone who reads the Exit signs and carries a map trying to find their way.  It is your mission not to look like a tourist by the way so avoid huge baggy shorts and socks with sandals especially in Central or TST and try not to be so pale. 

Exotic Food 

As a newbie in Hong Kong some of the food may be a challenge. Challenging Food   Chop sticks may hinder your progress but believe me you'll master those quickly.   I doubt that pig intestine, chicken's feet or a number of deep sea endangered species will ever become normal but try to be receptive to the new food and products you see in restaurants and supermarkets.   It could be a mistake to be constantly craving that particular gravy mix or condiment from back home.  It is known for some expats to bring back suitcases of their favourite consumable or even have their mother send it in bulk as a special treat.  Stop this at once.  You can get everything in Hong Kong.  Absolutely anything you want is available you just need to know where to get it (be prepared to pay for it) and if you don't then ask me!

Useful sites to make your life easier

Welcome Delivers

Park N Shop

Broadway Circuit art house cinema

Asia Expat for second hand stuff

Get into the Country Parks

Hiking Options - there is more than city