Lesley in Hong Kong

Bag Blog

A Handbag?

I am aware that some people own, yearn and lust over bags, fashion items that cost thousands of dollars.  I know that some people have collections of bags and even have a special room to keep them in.  I am also aware that expensive designer hand bags are part of a clever marketing technique where they are referred to as investment bags.  The trick is to make the buyer believe they are spending money on a product that will hold its value and, therefore, their money is not only safe, it may actually increase in value.   Just a minute while I bite my fist to stifle a cynical laugh.

How much is it (outraged tone)?

 

Old Bag

I am wise (not very rich)  and not in the market for such items of frippery.  I do, however, want a sylish bag to match my outfit, I'm not a total slob, but I know from experince that any bag will become bashed and tatty with bits of old lipstick, pen and gum stuck to the inside.  I know that it will get to the point where you just need a new bag rather than clean out the old one.  So I don't want any bag to have cost so much that I'm afraid to take it out of its dust cover (I learnt about dust covers from reading the Bag and Accessories Section of a second hand items for sale website where all the bags for sale are cheaper than their purchase price).  I want a useable, useful bag and if it's bought from Top Shop, Temple Street Ladies Market or Primarni, I do not really care but what I don't want is a bloody ruck sack/back pack.

That ruck sack does not match your outfit!

Nylon ruck sacks with many straps and pockets and secret features are not meant to be matched with any city/work outfit for any female person.  Their dangling straps and clicky plastic fastenings are meant for sport/outdoor getting wet and dirty activities.  Just because they may be practical for carrying a bunch of stuff in doesn't mean you have to succumb to using one in the street.  

Ugly Ruck Sack/Back Pack - NO NO NO!

 

Females you have been told.  I have been blunt I know - but I feel it needed to be said.

Now for you men.

Ruck Sacks for men - also wrong

The subject of a man bag is directly associated with sexuality. Apparantly if you carry a well made leather bag and NOT a badly designed nylon ruck sack  for your 'stuff'  then your masculinity is questioned.  The more scruffy, smelly and the more dangling straps (what are they for?) on the ugly nylon ruck sack means it is more manly.  What on earth does a man need to carry anyway, money and keys.  That is it - so what's with the bag?

A style sin

Bulging in the trouser area

The other very poor alternative for carrying stuff for men is the trouser pocket.  Let me be blunt here too.  Bulging pockets are not in any way attractive.  I know there is a joke there (is that a canoe in your pocket or are you....finish the rest yourself) but having a phone shaped bulge on your thigh is unsightly.

unslightly bulge.

Get yourself a nice, stylish bag preferably made of leather and essentially not one made of brightly coloured nylon with adjustably shoulder straps. NB A ruck sack is allowed if you are hiking or doing any other outdoor physical activity.  Other than that - strictly - NO.   And just to be clear the holdall bearing the brand name of a sports manufacturer is also a bit crap.  

Here are some ideas

   Nice bag and men respectively. 

 

                                                 Bag with style  

 

 

Nude or Black?

I am talking about shoes.  

 

I have had a careful assessment of my shoes.  I have taken them all out of  my shoe cupboard to find that I own numerous pairs of shoes for different occasions.  Having shoes for different occasions is a good thing.  Shoes for actually walking places, shoes for sitting down, shoes for making an entrance, shoes for making that dress look vavavoom.   That part is the good thing.  I have made shoe purchases based on that criteria.

I also have black shoes for the very same reasons although I have to say that having black shoes brings the sexy back (as Justin says).  

When said shoes were all spread out on the floor the glaringly obvious fact became clear to me.  I only own shoes that are sensibly black or sensibly nude/beige.  I have one pair of red shoes.  I love those red shoes with all my heart.   My shoe purchases revolve around making them all match to any given outfit I decide to wear each morning.  Or an outfit I decide to wear for an evening out.  Having a black pair or a nude pair is so useful, so practical and so well...predictable.  I do not own, say a green pair or a pink pair or a blue pair.

And this revelation has lead to me realizing that I can say the same about my underwear.  I only own black or nude/flesh coloured knickers and bras because they go with every outfit I wear.  If worn correctly they do not show through any fabric - unless I make a bad choice in the dark and wear black knickers under white trousers - god forbid.  However, in the same way (compare and contrast coming up) I do own a red set of underwear that I also love as much as my one pair of red shoes.  

Now I am beginning to think that if I was analyzed by a psychiatrist  regarding my choice of shoe and knicker colour then the analyst would have to conclude that I have OCD tendencies regarding colour compulsiveness.  Well - I'm not too sure about that but now I have begun to realise that a little colour in my knicker drawer as well as my shoe cupboard might be a good thing.

In my life, so far, I have no memory of owning a green pair of shoes.  I have no memory of owning a green pair of knickers either.  I cannot go on with such a list as it would be predictable and boring and most probably would lead to boredom and being bored is boring.  But you get the picture?  I am not boring.  Really I'm not! 

So dear reader - my new year's resolution, starting in September of course, is that I will be more adventurous with my shoe and knicker purchases and I might even go wild and buy a green bra and wear it under a white top - hold me back someone?

possible alternatives

 

Big green knickers

 

Mad Men

The American Man

I've come late to this series but in a way I like that.  It means that I am never left wanting.  There is no end-of-episode tension or end-of-season bereft feeling when I am waiting for the next installment.  There are a whole six seasons just sitting there waiting for me to enjoy as and when it suits me.  The whole series is at my beck and call.  I can view them at any time or any place.  Mad Men is a whore for me.

Over the past few weeks I have become intensely interested in those New York accents.  I just love those dastardly characters with their side partened brylcreamed hair and suits.  I am strangely attracted to the smoking and drinking funk that must emanate through their clothes, their breath and every piece of paper they handle.

The Playtex Pitch

The silhouettes of the secretaries are so carefully and skillfully shot so as to frame the outline of each playtex clad breast and most likely 24 hour pantie girdle Playtext 60's ad keeping everything just so pert and firm.  Christina Hendricks is a siren in red and I think I want to be her.

Joan on the sofa

Joan at her best. She is a present.  You Tube clip - Christmas Party

I am fascinated by the sets.  The attention to detail is tremendous.  Every item is so well placed from the desks in the office to the fridge in the Draper's home to the art on the walls and the style of glass used to neck back yet another whiskey before lunch.

Drinking at lunch time, drinking at any time you care to mention, followed by a fag (a cigarette for our American friends) and then the whole routine repeats.  It's an unsustainable work ethic that I crave to be part of if only for the dresses.  I would be a secretary as I'm a girl and that's what girls do - happy, actually grateful, just to sit outside Don Draper's (who is unfeasibly handsome) office waiting for a task "Yes Mr Draper" I'd say- whereupon I would spring into action ordering flowers for his latest woman, lying over the phone to his latest woman or actually lying on the sofa in his office being his latest woman.  Oh yes I would!  And then I'd be promoted to be Roger Stirling's secretary

Yes Mr Stirling?

Its the Americaness of the whole concept that really appeals to me.  More specifically the New Yorkness of it.  Its a place I've never been but its calling me.  In the last year I have read the poetry and discovered Langston Hughes, I've experienced Jack Kerouac's journey into New York, I've researched the documentation of graffiti art on New York subway trains by New York photographers and I've even watched Metropolis which is based on a futuristic New York. 

Poster for Metropolis

 I need to go there.

Italian Vogue - Curvy Feature

 

In the June edition of Italian Vogue they have featured curvy women which means they have snubbed the thin models usually used to hang clothes on and chosen women with actual hips and breasts.   They are truly beautiful and sexy, the fact is they are human shaped, in fact, the shots are incredibly stunning and well worth a peek.

 

Belle Vere - Vogue.it

 

 

How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran

I feel it has become acceptable to criticize men much more so than it is to criticize women.  Having a pair of tits is not the funniest joke in the world any more but making generalizations about maleness (can't multi task, can't ask for direction, useless at remembering anniversaries blah blah blah) is more than acceptable and I don't like it.  Men - the truth I don't believe it is good enough to pass off horrible behaviour in the classroom as 'its because he is a boy'.  Horrible behaviour is horrible regardless of gender.

A feminist book

So it was with trepidation that I picked up a feminist book called 'How to be a Woman' because I thought it might be another opportunity of cheap man knocking.  I was wrong.  It turns out that me and Caitlin Moran think almost the same about a long list of issues.

Investment Handbags  are just wrong

There are a whole load of vacuous so called symbols of femininity that I don't get. Gel nails with sparkles, long hair, OK Magazine and shopping or even worse shopping with friends, having more than one handbag, having a handbag that costs the same as a car!  Moran is of the opinion that having an 'investment' handbag is total nonsense.  I totally agree.  A bag is meant to carry things around (not small dogs) and with luck matches your outfit, so don't be sucked in by the global marketing techniques that matches a stick insect woman with an ugly handbag.  Expensive equals good does it?   NO!  And if you think otherwise then you'll have to be satisfied with the fact that I am right and you are wrong!

The modern wedding

The average cost of a wedding is 25,000 pounds.  That is a shocking amount of money and I blame the conveyor belt mentality on advertising and reality tv. Conveyor belt meaning that the couple get whisked along on a spending spree of what they think is expected of them and the belt keeps on moving them along until they wave good bye to all the guests to boogie the night away at the reception.  After that is when the shock of managing their budget month to month, paying a mortgage and bringing up children they wish they'd used that money on something more practical. Moran feels the same and she talks so much sense on the subject. Set up surprise proposals and having a wedding planner, matching table centre pieces and bridesmaids is not real.

Superfluous Hair

The removal of hair from various parts of the body for very confusing socially acceptable or unacceptable reasons has become the norm and Moran's theory is this new fashion is fuelled by the easy access of porn via the internet where hair has been eliminated for the sake of a good shot (if you pardon the expression).  I too have expressed my opinion about hair in a previous blog Superfluous Hair so you can see that I should have written this book and become as rich and famous as Ms Moran.

Caitlin has become my hero, she loves her husband and her children, loves femine clothes and particularly underwear, but not high heels.  I think her description of  the birth of her first child sounds like a horror story although she got it all right the second time.  I felt rather smug at this point in the book because I got it right on the first go - I have no horror story about child birth.  I had two text book, natural births with no drama invovled and didn't feel the need to utter expletives throughout the experience.

It is so funny

I encourage you all, male or female, to read How to be a Woman because it made me laugh an incredible amount (there is a sad, controvertial bit, be warned).   She does say towards the end that she still doesn't know how to be a woman because she hasn't yet reached the menopause, had teenage children or experienced the death of a parent so I guess I must be ahead of her about learning how to do it.

I am a fan of Speedos

 

I'm Sexy and I know it

I will say it again.  I am a fan of Speedos.  I said it in an earlier blog Speedos My confession

and I think this video truly confirms why I am right!

 

 

 

 

 

The Rule of Pants

Pants - you have to have standards

I ventured into the realms of fashion a couple of days ago and made it known to the world that there are very strict rules regarding the wearing of socks.  If there are still folk out there who are unsure or unaware of the rules please refer to the previous blog called Socks- it's a mine field.  It has been suggested that I add a section about hikers and the red sock and chunky hiking boot plus there has been dispute over dark socks and trainers - honestly its a cheek!

I am now turning my attention to the subject of pants.  I mean pants, the sort you wear under your clothes (not trousers).  Briefs, knickers, panties, underwear, skivvies, smalls (feel free to add more names). 

I think this subject needs to be dealt with according to gender so I will tackle the men first.

There seems to be two main camps when the subject of male underwear is chosen and worn.  One lot prefer the boxer and the other the tighter cotton brief.  I am not a man.  It is a matter of personal choice, I cannot stress this enough.  But it has always been a bit of a mystery to me why men want to wear cotton boxers that have no support or stretch in them.  Surely a little support in that area would be beneficial?  I am just thinking how bras offer such support for females so it follows that the same would be true of the testicle area?  A further advantage of the brief would be less bulk under trousers or shorts, surely?  All explanations would be welcome here.

 

I also need to direct you to my previous blog on speedos and my confession at ths point.

Boxer Shorts

No Commandos Please

The strictest rule for males to adhere to is the wearing of underwear or at least if you have no underwear and are going to wear shorts then it is essential that the shorts have their own sewn in liner offering a snug hammock for the male parts and ensuring there is no embarrassment.  For instance when sitting down with legs apart or casually placing ones foot on a chair giving others an unrestricted view up the leg of the shorts. 

Female Pants

There are hundreds of different styles for women and it should logically follow that there should be enough styles for all the different shaped bottoms in the world.  But you'd be wrong.  Women's pants manufacturers are blind to the fact that pants have to cover cheeks so not make the dreaded VPL (visible pantie line) plus the invention of the thong has merely created a nasty infection spreading razor which is a useless piece of clothing.

Trinny and Susannah do talk some sense when it comes to foundation garments and have exposed a number of out of control wobbling bottoms in their attempt to up the standard of acceptable dress in the UK.  Magic Knickers

Girls, don't continue with ill fitting knickers that dig into your flesh and cause bulges ga lour.  There are some excellent body shaping items in Marks & Spencer these days.

And Spanx have a whole range of items to smooth any lump or bump.  See the Spanx Before and After photographs for yourself.  

 
There is even a male version of Spanx and I don't think men should shy away from this garment.  It could be a revolution for bellies world wide.  Spanx for Men offer compression under garments to help suck in bellies, its the Playtex 18 hour girdle for men.  It had to come one day.

 

Gentle reader, I conducted my own photographic survey this morning of pants in the local vicinity and I was shocked and horrified at some of the sights I found hanging around the place for all to see.  My mother was too shy to hang her pants on the washing line and kept them drying inside for modesty sake!  But some of the examples of shabby, worn out rags that pass  as underwear need to be seriously assessed and made into dusters at once.  (that's what my mother also used to do).  Check your knicker drawer now and if there are any that look like this, put them in the bin.

 

The washed out dark blue
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

                                                      Little and Large

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Skiddies!

 

 

 

                                            Duster pretending to be underwear.

Nipple Covers

BEST KNICKERS

Marks and Spencer's is a very reliable and homey shop.  You just know where you are with M&S.  Their products are renowned for lasting many washes, especially their under garments.  You can't beat a pair of M&S knickers.

A NEW PRODUCT?

When I was browsing the under garment section I discovered a new product.  Something I had never seen before.  In a small plastic pouch was 'nipple covers'. I was intrigued by  this item.  It was not possible to open the package in the shop so truly believing all M&S goods to be of a high standard I made a purchase.

THE COLD AND NIPPLES

For those of you mystified as to why a girl should require nipple covers I will attempt to throw light on the matter.  You see, when its a bit cold, and your top is a bit on the flimsy side, nipples tend to pop out for the world to see.  Living in air conditioned Hong Kong this happens a lot.  You step inside after being out in a hot and humid 30+ degrees and out they pop.

I thought that using this new fangled item would be the answer to this little problem.

TEST RUN

The next morning I decided to try them.  I opened the packet to find they were made from a thin 'band aid' type material in the shape of large daisies.  The center of the daisy was a slightly padded circle.  It was early, it was dark in my bedroom, I wasn't properly awake to read the 'How to Apply' section on the back of the packet and besides I couldn't find my glasses.

It seemed straight forward.  I peeled off the backing paper and stuck them over my nipples. Easy.

I got dressed, went to work.  Never gave them a second thought.  I wasn't aware of people pointing at me on the air conditioned bus saying "Waa look at her nipples sticking out" so I presumed they were working.

THE REMOVAL -PANIC

When I got home after a hards days toil the first thing I did was strip off and get in the shower.  Upon the removal of my clothes I remembered the hastily applied nippled covers as I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror.  "Best take them off now" I thought to myself.

Easier said than done.  The very thin sticky cover was almost impossible to get hold of.  I have nails but I couldn't just get one under the edge of the nipple covers to remove them.  I showered.  Tried again.  No better.  I showered again and used lots more shower gel to soften the fabric (steady on now!).  Still couldn't get hold of the edge to pull them off.  They were well and truly attached to my breasts and did not want to come off.

I found my glasses and the discarded packet and read the instructions.  This was not enlightening at all.  It just said stick them over nipples, peel them off when you are finished.  No clues, no hints.

STILL NOT REMOVED - GULP

About half an hour had gone by since I got home and I was still naked in the bathroom attempting to remove the offending articles.  Eventually I managed to get my thumb nail under the edge of the left one and began to peel it off.  Oh my God!  The pain was excruciating.  There was no way I could just rip it off quickly.  I had to slowly, slowly, millimeter by millimeter pull it off and try not to pass out with pain.

OH THE PAIN

I have had two children, I have ran a marathon.  I know pain.  But this?  It was really making me feel nauseous.  I came out in a hot and cold sweat and began to shiver.  Perhaps I was in shock?  I am guessing that the process took about 10 minutes and it was such a relief to remove the torturous devil item from my delicate anatomy.  But wait, horror of horrors - there was still the other one to remove.

I was almost crying at the thought.  I had a lie down to physiologically build myself up to the removal of the second nipple cover. 

It was the same horrible experience.  Sweating, shaking and on the brink of tears.

DON'T DO IT!

Gentle readers - do not ever buy these items.  They should have a health warning written on the packaging.  I definitely do not recommend them.  Don't be fooled by the steady and reliable Marks and Spencer's brand.  Give them a wide berth.

Superfluous Hair

I have a question for the world.

Bobby          Murkin                 Brazilan in action

Why is it acceptable to have hair on some parts of the body but totally and utterly unacceptable for it to sprout on other parts?

Let me be more specific.  Why is it that I, as a woman, cannot have under arm hair whereas men can?  Or that I cannot have hair sprouting from the edges of my bikini bottoms or anywhere on my legs whereas men can have great forests of it poking out from every seam but remove it from their chins?

Last week I had my legs waxed for the first time ever in my 39 years.  It was OK, I didn't even swear or cry.  But it got me thinking.  Why am I putting myself through this pain?  Hair grows on my legs, why not just leave it?

Chinese men cultivate long hair from facial moles but have little hair on their legs. It's true.  After extensive research over the summer - which means I looked at loads of Chinese men's legs while on the MTR, I have categorically concluded that Chinese men do not have leg hair.  And also, why is it that female leg hair is a complete no no while men, but not Chinese men, can have tons of it and wear shorts?   The mole hair is lucky but other facial hair is removed as part of the morning routine (apart from men with beards obviously, but that is just wrong).

It seems a strange situation to me.  Some people have hair where they don't want it and don't have hair where they do want it.  Hair is so confusing don't you think?  Balding men are targeted by loads of hair restoring adverts claiming to successfully grow hair on heads yet they religously remove the hair from their chins.  Hairy legged and hairy lipped women are targeted by loads of adverts claiming to remove the unwanted growth with cream, razors, threading, sugaring, lasers, plucking or waxing, the choice is extensive.  Then there are the products to remove the underarm hair or public hair.  The pubic hair removal seems to be the most creative of all.  The choice of shape is incredible.  Landing strip, heart shape and the dreaded yet extremeley interesting Brazilian.  Its all about removal, but the hair on our heads is precious and must be preserved at all costs.

But why do we have to pretend we have no hair on our female bodies apart from our heads?  Why do we continue battling against it when it will always grow back?  Why do some bald men try to hide their hair transplants or wigs and strive to regrow hair on their shiny pates?   Or even worse tend to their comb-overs when we can all plainly see that they have no hair on top.  Do they think a thin strip of greased down hair is really disguising the baldness? Why do women rush for the razor when there is occasion to wear a swimming costume?  As if the world is unaware that they have hair on their pubes.  Everyone knows that, stop fooling yourself!

So I put it to you all.  Let's stop removing hair and lets stop adding hair where it has already fallen out.  Life will be much simpler when we can all let our gardens grow full and bushy.